Hello,

I've decided to knock my blog on the head. I feel a responsibility to blog everyday but I havent got the motivation. So in the interest of fairness and appropriate emdings I bid you all farewell.

Its been an interesting ride,
Blogging my life,
It has helped me through troubles,
I've started to build from the rubble.

Thank you for reading,
Receiving support i was needing,
Although my journey has just begun,
Its best if this blogging be done.

Abstinence is my goal,
Even though my ex-wife left a hole.
Today i'm confident and strong,
Will remain vigilant in case i am wrong.

My final little ditty lol.

Ciao for now

#goodbye #addiction #relapse #heroin #rehab #treatment #counselling #abuse #PTSD #anxiety #depression

Hello,

Good times today, I've got the kids for the weekend. Its stopped raining and everyone seems happy. Think a trip to the park is in order and some nice sofa cuddles and movies. Well as it turns out we found a massive park just round the corner from my mums. Lots of playing then home to make a tasty bolognese for dinner. I love my children so much, seeing them red faced and running about smiling really does lift my spirits. Its the simple things that really matter. Its so strange being back in my old manor. My daughter Freya is somehow doing musicly video's why playing in the park. They are pretty cool too.

Laughing smiling, happy children.
Flushed with fresh air and play.
Sliding, swinging in a big green garden.
Running, catching the sun ray by ray.

How quickly they make friends.
Lost to adults this skill.
Not to meet any ends.
Just for pure pleasure and thrills.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Today I became fully engaged with the local services. "Inclusion" a very apt name it would seem. Following my initial assessment on Monday I was seen today by my prescribing dr, whilst GP can prescribe Naltrexone a service has to prescribe longterm. The Dr I saw to day was a psychiatrist. He actually asked for a full history, recommended counselling straight away, groups he felt would suit my stage of recovery. He was very interested in the link between my abuse and the Chronic Anxiety, which has ultimately led to a life of self medication. Now I know counselling is actually available and not just mentioned occasionally, I feel I may at last be able to deal with the trauma if the abuse. It actually felt like I was receiving very professional treatment and service. What an absolute breath of fresh air, I feel a fresh glimmer of hope. What this does highlight for me is the stark contrast in services. My last area statistally had the highest amount of Opiate Dependants per Sq mile in the country at some point in the last 5 years. I wonder if there is a correlation here. Ultimately it'll boil down to funding and simply this area is clearly better funded.

On a related note the Nepalese drug of choice is Heroin/Opiates. There are high numbers of Nepalese in services. I wonder if this is a problem that cane with them. Possible I suppose taking into account Nepals geographical location, closer to source as it were.

Ciao for now

#opiate #heroin #addiction #blog #nepalese #drugtreatment #dependancy

Hello,

I thought I would share with my mum the abuse that happened when I was 8. I was tactful and asked if she would like to know what happened to me when I was 8, I got exactly the same response as I got from my exwife. Not wanting to know. Funny how things go, the 2 people i expected unconditional Love and support from didnt provide it. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from folk, I must remember that I haven't exactly provided them with much support over the last 5 years. I am however getting support from services, the new agency seems to have a lot more resources. I have only had 1 appt so far and counselling has been offered. Unable to attend some of the groups as my sibling and spouse go to them. Overall though I feel I'm able to move forward again. Its been a stagnant time for sure.

On another positive my kids are throughly enjoying their new school still, long may it continue. I've also had the opportunity to play some xbox one on my youngest sisters machine. What a great peice of kit. Probably should put getting one way down on my priority list but I love it. Its therapeutic and a fantastic distraction when feeling vulnerable, good for the sleepless times too. Theres only so much writing one cam do in a sitting.

There was a kidult from england,
Who found preventing relapse quite bland,
A game here and there did distract,
Its become quite a tool thats a fact,

Xbox is by far the best,
If I had one i'd give the poetry a rest.
Providing hours of non toxic fun,
Perhaps Microsoft could donate one.

Ciao for now

#relapseprevention #heroin #blog #xbox #support #abstinence #addiction #treatment #abuse #PTSD

Hello,

Well I've settled in ok at my mums. It was mice to have the kids stay with me overnight. There was lots of changing beds and shuffling about and stuff. Still it was nice. My daughter is finding it hardest, she misses me desperately as do i them. My son doesnt show his emotions so openly but the many squeezy cuddles tell me he's also missing me a lot. Its heartbreaking when I have to day goodbye.

If only i could bottle this misery and situation, give people a day of it, just 24 hours. It would deter a lot of people from making poor choices.

Experience the life, just for a day.
Friends and family fade away.
Teach them young, make them aware.
For if you use, this is how you'll fare.

Learn from others, living in pain.
See all they've lost and ne'er a gain.
Understand all this in a snapshot.
For if you ignore, that will be your lot.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well todays the day, I'm going to move back in with my mum. Will still be on a sofa but from time to time I can use a bed. If nothing else it will be nice to be able to provide her with some care at last. As previously mentioned my mum was a facilitator of my first drug experiences but is now completely drug free and elderly. My sister who is 22 now has been basically caring for our mum by herself, ai lived 160 miles away so I wasnt able to provide any real support. Its my turn now, my other sister is still very much in the throes of addiction and is unable to help all. Being severely bipolar she isnt really up to much, her meds dont leave her with much thinking power. I had some good news regarding my most important friend yesterday, his career is going from strength to strength. He may well be moving across the pond in the near future. In the midst of all my misery and woes there are still some bright lights that lift my spirits. On another positive the kids are helping me move to their nans today and are going to spend my first night with me. I forsee lots if cuddles and a movie, preceeded by a nice long walk around my old stomping ground. I have so much to show them, it will be great to spend some quality time together. I'll even cook them any dinner they choose, assuming they can agree in it without world war 3 ensuing. We can also talk about Monday its the first day in their new school, I can help ease their fears and I look forward to seeing them walk through the gates on the first day. The new uniforms are pretty cool.

Recovery is still going strong, long may it last.


Ciao for now

#addiction #recovery #moving #parenting #treatment #methadone #relocation #rehab #bloodyhashtag

Hello,

That was an interesting night, full of back pain and leg twitches. Soafing loafing when middle aged is an indurance sport. See how long I can take it before I have too seek an alternative sofa. Perhaps a change in discomfort will make it more interesting. On a positive note its my sons 10th birthday today and we are spending some time together. He got an Xbox one off his mum and grandma, he is over the moon. Unfortunately the updating process is taking quite some time, he's chomping at the bit. Patience is a virtue but not when you are 10 lol. Well off for a haircut and perhaps the 3gb update will be done by the time we finish. Its a lovely machine though, connected to the max. I can't believe my son has his own console and live account now. How time flies, before I know it they'll both be "all growed up". So far so good, they are both good kids, as biased as I am tis still true. Well at least for today I am safe and sound. The everpresent fear of relapse at this tumultuous time is wearing thin. Isn't life supposed to be amazing when in recovery, saying that if all the other areas of my life were sorted I suspect life would seem better. Must keep my chin up, my predilection for Doom and Gloom is risky, I must be mindful and positive.

Have a great day one and all.

Ciao for now

#relapse #addiction #birthday #blog #depression #heroin #methadone #treatment #rehab #hashtag

Hello,

Claustrophobic is the word for the day, i'm trapped by my lack of resources. Being a sunday this is highlighted even more. The friend I am staying with is on a bike run with his club, totally left to my own devices today. I have had a bath, done some washing so its not all doom and gloom. I have been talking to a couple of long term friends who drive for the local bus company. I'm thinking, I enjoy driving, chatting to everyday folk. Perhaps this is a job with some continuity for me. Its hard as I just wanted stuff my head in the sand and say "F*^k it all" but thats not an option. That road will lead ultimately lead to relapse. I'm determined to make it through the dark times, a full nights sleep would be nice but I know that will come. On a stranger note, my hometown has be taken over by nepalese folk. They seem really pleasant but are prolific, i've been told that they make up 20% of the local populace, it seems more. I think this is because they are mountain folk who like to walk so they are  more visible. I have no problem with this its just a strange contrast to adjust too. Well thats me, lost and fighting.

Ciao for now.

#recovery #rockbottom #dependance #heroin #relocation

Hello,

Well homeless, skint and emotionally distraught. Somehow I am staying clean though. Stopping on a friends sofa for a bit so at least I have shelter and food. From here the surely the only way can be up. Look for work on Monday, will have to go and live with my mum shortly. Thats going to be a doozy but as yet is the only real option. Strangley leaving the house wasnt emotional at all, it was only leaving the children that was. Perhaps that is a reflection of how unhappy I truly was there. Its time to set goals, work hard(both job and book). Got to become someone my children and myself can be proud of.

Ciao for now