Hello,
It's 2 hours from the dawn and this time of day is becoming a familiar companion. At times the long nights have been dark and harrowing but as I start to come through the worst of it they seem a little brighter. I'm averaging 2-3 hours sleep so that's an improvement. Once again I have had a message from Leanne which as always lifted my spirits. I am struggling to motivate myself during the day but have decided today to attempt a trip out on my own. I feel safe but also have a little anxiety about the social interactions I may find. I must motivate myself if I am to find employment any time soon. I suppose I'm very much caught in limbo. Stuck between exhaustion/recovery and the desire to get on and work/provide but I do heed the advice of others. Day by day, little by little. I must stay focussed on recovery and all else will fall into place. With that in mind I will take my Naltexone opiate to ensure safety in the community. Not that I feel I really need but do like the additional security.
On a lighter and more musical note I heard a cover of Simon and Garfunkels sound of silence by a rock band called the Disturbed. I was expecting screams and raw guitars but instead was surprised by this very moving song and video. Well I got goosebumps anyways. Enjoy:
http://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4
Ciao for now
Monday 29 February 2016
Hello,
I managed another 3 hours last night from 11.30-2.30, feeling really reflective this morning. I guess this is the time where I am starting to feel a little better and have to make choices and plans that will effect the rest of my life. It's a race to earn enough wages to pay 3 months mortgage. Perhaps look at some cheap transport or a train/bus pass. Need to find clothes, only have a couple of sets at the mo. I have been telling myself that doors open once a person has recovery under their belt for a time. However time is a luxury I don't have, I can do it though, need to be more positive. As I sit here typing this I hear a torrent of water coming through the kitchen ceiling, reaaaaally, that just about says it all. I really must make an effort to be more upbeat. I'm sure the few loyal readers I have are getting fed up of all the doom and gloom. I have just been real but I need to bring myself up and sort out some stuff in my life. Major responsibility in 4-5 weeks time, sole care of my daughter through the week. She is very independent but I am still the adult and need to provide whatever she needs. That being said we do have some good support and safety plans in place should the worst happen. I'm not going into this without ensuring she is safe and cared for no matter what. Being her main carer again will be very self affirming for me, build some self esteem and confidence. Real confidence that is not pretend. So much to do must use the smart approach thinking about everything at once tends to shut me down. Small steps and all that.
Much love to all.
Ciao for now
I managed another 3 hours last night from 11.30-2.30, feeling really reflective this morning. I guess this is the time where I am starting to feel a little better and have to make choices and plans that will effect the rest of my life. It's a race to earn enough wages to pay 3 months mortgage. Perhaps look at some cheap transport or a train/bus pass. Need to find clothes, only have a couple of sets at the mo. I have been telling myself that doors open once a person has recovery under their belt for a time. However time is a luxury I don't have, I can do it though, need to be more positive. As I sit here typing this I hear a torrent of water coming through the kitchen ceiling, reaaaaally, that just about says it all. I really must make an effort to be more upbeat. I'm sure the few loyal readers I have are getting fed up of all the doom and gloom. I have just been real but I need to bring myself up and sort out some stuff in my life. Major responsibility in 4-5 weeks time, sole care of my daughter through the week. She is very independent but I am still the adult and need to provide whatever she needs. That being said we do have some good support and safety plans in place should the worst happen. I'm not going into this without ensuring she is safe and cared for no matter what. Being her main carer again will be very self affirming for me, build some self esteem and confidence. Real confidence that is not pretend. So much to do must use the smart approach thinking about everything at once tends to shut me down. Small steps and all that.
Much love to all.
Ciao for now
Sunday 28 February 2016
Hello,
Actually got some sleep last night, from 2am till about 6am. It was great proper restful sleep. Still cramping legs and uncontrollable full body stretches, yawns and poorly tummy. However having sleep has made these so much easier to deal with. I must pull my finger out and find a job this week. It's time to get back into life, a bit daunting but I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I've never been work shy. Ironically I may have landed a job as a delivery driver for a Brewery of all places. Well at least they know the stock will be safe. Need to try and rescue my house so my daughter can stay here and finish her school year before moving on. She's doing so well it will benefit her to complete the year before transitioning to a new area. My son is going in 6 weeks with his mum to start his new school. This is ideal as he really has had trauma with bullying at school and the school not recognising as such for 6 months. Shocking really but I do feel for the bully as his dad's not around and who knows what homelike he has. I've tried educate my son towards a more deeper understanding of life and how there is usually a reason people are bad. I fully believe that nearly all humans are born a blank slate and learnt behaviours and environmental factors contribute to their make up. I suppose it's the nature versus nurture argument but however it comes people are born a clean slate. Funny how some religions put the sins of the world onto new born children till they are baptised, I've never managed to get my head round this concept.
Well I've digressed and gone off at a tangent but still it's all relative.
Ciao for now
Actually got some sleep last night, from 2am till about 6am. It was great proper restful sleep. Still cramping legs and uncontrollable full body stretches, yawns and poorly tummy. However having sleep has made these so much easier to deal with. I must pull my finger out and find a job this week. It's time to get back into life, a bit daunting but I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I've never been work shy. Ironically I may have landed a job as a delivery driver for a Brewery of all places. Well at least they know the stock will be safe. Need to try and rescue my house so my daughter can stay here and finish her school year before moving on. She's doing so well it will benefit her to complete the year before transitioning to a new area. My son is going in 6 weeks with his mum to start his new school. This is ideal as he really has had trauma with bullying at school and the school not recognising as such for 6 months. Shocking really but I do feel for the bully as his dad's not around and who knows what homelike he has. I've tried educate my son towards a more deeper understanding of life and how there is usually a reason people are bad. I fully believe that nearly all humans are born a blank slate and learnt behaviours and environmental factors contribute to their make up. I suppose it's the nature versus nurture argument but however it comes people are born a clean slate. Funny how some religions put the sins of the world onto new born children till they are baptised, I've never managed to get my head round this concept.
Well I've digressed and gone off at a tangent but still it's all relative.
Ciao for now
Friday 26 February 2016
Hello,
Just seen this in Facebook, I certainly agree with his:
https://www.facebook.com/RussellBrand/videos/10153479189883177/
#RussellBrand
Ciao for now
Just seen this in Facebook, I certainly agree with his:
https://www.facebook.com/RussellBrand/videos/10153479189883177/
#RussellBrand
Ciao for now
Hello,
It's 4am again, as ever sleep is elusive. I really thought the proverbial camels back had broken following 3 hours last night. I was hoping to build upon this improving day by day. I guess all it did was recharge my batteries. These damn noradrenaline storms are a nightmare. The family are asleep, happy in their slumber. I envy them, this probably sounds a bit selfish but I long for a full nights sleep. One of life's basic needs, cruelly ripped from my grasp by years of drug and alcohol fuelled dependence. I begin to wonder if this my lot now. My mother has a sleep pattern that is pretty erratic. I really don't want that. I used to find laying in bed listening to the rain would slowly lull me into a deep sleep, if only I could rely on that now. I may try walking a good few miles today to see if I can gain some restful sleep tonight. This must end soon or I may go a little bit insane.
I find myself thinking, what can I use to get to sleep, perhaps a strong anti histamine, realisation that this is old reliant behaviours surfacing and I must not fall into that dangerous trap again. At least though it is the weekend and my family are around to help me fill the fuzzy exhaustion filled days.
Ciao for now
It's 4am again, as ever sleep is elusive. I really thought the proverbial camels back had broken following 3 hours last night. I was hoping to build upon this improving day by day. I guess all it did was recharge my batteries. These damn noradrenaline storms are a nightmare. The family are asleep, happy in their slumber. I envy them, this probably sounds a bit selfish but I long for a full nights sleep. One of life's basic needs, cruelly ripped from my grasp by years of drug and alcohol fuelled dependence. I begin to wonder if this my lot now. My mother has a sleep pattern that is pretty erratic. I really don't want that. I used to find laying in bed listening to the rain would slowly lull me into a deep sleep, if only I could rely on that now. I may try walking a good few miles today to see if I can gain some restful sleep tonight. This must end soon or I may go a little bit insane.
I find myself thinking, what can I use to get to sleep, perhaps a strong anti histamine, realisation that this is old reliant behaviours surfacing and I must not fall into that dangerous trap again. At least though it is the weekend and my family are around to help me fill the fuzzy exhaustion filled days.
Ciao for now
Hello,
I actually slept for a whole 3 unbroken hours last night. I feel refreshed and ready to face the day. I am due to attend my first Community SMART Recovery meeting today. This will be a big step as its in the same community where I one worked as a Drug and Alcohol worker. That being said, taking ownership of my addiction and practicing complete honesty is a way forward I am committed to. I think I would like to, in time, return to facilitating groups. The SMART Recovery model is ideal for me as it is completely client led. I believe they even provide a level of additional training. I could definitnely use a refresher. I'm looking forward to gaining support from like minded folk and I really do hope the group members who may be active still are discreet. I certainly wouldn't want to prejudice people who are still struggling but I also see the need for absolute safety within the group. It's a very fine line between what's acceptable and what isn't. As in most things in life there is always a grey area.
I have created a Google+ Community with the idea of raising awareness. It is very embryonic as yet with only 3 Members. Hopefully it will gain more members and become an open forum for service users and service providers to gain support or information. It would be wonderful if this helped just one person resolve their ambivalence and make change but obviously the more the merrier. If anyone reading this blog would like to take a look, here is a link:
https://plus.google.com/communities/108852432853447536523
Have a great day, one and all.
Ciao for now
I actually slept for a whole 3 unbroken hours last night. I feel refreshed and ready to face the day. I am due to attend my first Community SMART Recovery meeting today. This will be a big step as its in the same community where I one worked as a Drug and Alcohol worker. That being said, taking ownership of my addiction and practicing complete honesty is a way forward I am committed to. I think I would like to, in time, return to facilitating groups. The SMART Recovery model is ideal for me as it is completely client led. I believe they even provide a level of additional training. I could definitnely use a refresher. I'm looking forward to gaining support from like minded folk and I really do hope the group members who may be active still are discreet. I certainly wouldn't want to prejudice people who are still struggling but I also see the need for absolute safety within the group. It's a very fine line between what's acceptable and what isn't. As in most things in life there is always a grey area.
I have created a Google+ Community with the idea of raising awareness. It is very embryonic as yet with only 3 Members. Hopefully it will gain more members and become an open forum for service users and service providers to gain support or information. It would be wonderful if this helped just one person resolve their ambivalence and make change but obviously the more the merrier. If anyone reading this blog would like to take a look, here is a link:
https://plus.google.com/communities/108852432853447536523
Have a great day, one and all.
Ciao for now
Wednesday 24 February 2016
Hello,
I made it through the night, not sure how. My drug and alcohol worker screened me for Methadone which came up negative so I was prescribed Naltrexone. I was soon to realise that perhaps my receptors weren't quite empty. In 26 years of using that is by far the most intense withdrawal I have ever experienced. D + V, loss of consciouness, I kept finding my self on the floor, half on/off the sofa. Severe Pain in every ounce of my being. It was horrific, I am too frightened to continue the Naltrexone and must speak to a dr first, in case it was a reaction as well as withdrawal. Methadone is indeed a horrible drug to get out of the system. Yes I understand it can stabilise people when their lives are chaotic, stop crime etc. However the reality of getting off it is a whole other ball game. It must be done in a slow controlled manor. Rapid Detox followed by Naltrexone for blocking, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Once again I find myself thinking of education, not only with service users/addicts but perhaps with Service Providers and Writers of legislation. Sadly it's all about the money and drug abuse is still very much misunderstood. It is a health issue, no one chooses to become addicted to anything it is a process, generally caused by deeper underlying issue. That may seem a bit all encompassing and I realise every ones journey is personal to them, however I haven't met anyone who fell in to addiction who hasn't got a traumatic story to share. Awareness needs to be raised, if someone isn't ready to change then give them their drug of choice, and safe areas to use such. The crime levels would reduce, health issues would lesson, and when people are ready they can engage in treatment. There are indeed a few places where this approach is used.
This approach is called DCR and has been attempted in a few cities/countries. Sadly though it hasn't been more widespread.
http://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2013/12/16/246606797/denmarks-fix-rooms-give-drug-users-a-safe-haven
Stop Criminalising, Raise Awarenes, Pave the way for the future.
Ciao for now. (Glad I have access to a pad again, blogging via a phone was, tricky)
I made it through the night, not sure how. My drug and alcohol worker screened me for Methadone which came up negative so I was prescribed Naltrexone. I was soon to realise that perhaps my receptors weren't quite empty. In 26 years of using that is by far the most intense withdrawal I have ever experienced. D + V, loss of consciouness, I kept finding my self on the floor, half on/off the sofa. Severe Pain in every ounce of my being. It was horrific, I am too frightened to continue the Naltrexone and must speak to a dr first, in case it was a reaction as well as withdrawal. Methadone is indeed a horrible drug to get out of the system. Yes I understand it can stabilise people when their lives are chaotic, stop crime etc. However the reality of getting off it is a whole other ball game. It must be done in a slow controlled manor. Rapid Detox followed by Naltrexone for blocking, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Once again I find myself thinking of education, not only with service users/addicts but perhaps with Service Providers and Writers of legislation. Sadly it's all about the money and drug abuse is still very much misunderstood. It is a health issue, no one chooses to become addicted to anything it is a process, generally caused by deeper underlying issue. That may seem a bit all encompassing and I realise every ones journey is personal to them, however I haven't met anyone who fell in to addiction who hasn't got a traumatic story to share. Awareness needs to be raised, if someone isn't ready to change then give them their drug of choice, and safe areas to use such. The crime levels would reduce, health issues would lesson, and when people are ready they can engage in treatment. There are indeed a few places where this approach is used.
This approach is called DCR and has been attempted in a few cities/countries. Sadly though it hasn't been more widespread.
http://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2013/12/16/246606797/denmarks-fix-rooms-give-drug-users-a-safe-haven
Stop Criminalising, Raise Awarenes, Pave the way for the future.
Ciao for now. (Glad I have access to a pad again, blogging via a phone was, tricky)
Tuesday 23 February 2016
Hello,
Well that was a long night. I think I could deal with the insomnia a bit better if I just had a reprieve from the pain. Abdolutely every part of me is aching. Found myself in all sorts of weird and wonderful, sitting, laying and standing positions. All to no avail, at some point this must get easier.
I just found myself looking for my phone, hilarious as I'm using it to create this entry. That about sum's up how battered my mind is. Frazzled would be a good word. One thing I am sure of I will never as long as I live take Methadone again. I would rather chew tin foil.
Watching the news a lot at the mo, i do worry what sort of life my children will have. Will there still be an NHS. Will the world still be run by the few hidden elites. Will governments still be corrupt, will there still be ongoing wars. Sadly i supect that my children will not have the simple approach, requiring ipads and iphones etc etc. Instead they could be running free, in a rural and healthy setting. The outer hebrides looks about right, it is something I'm considering, not sure I
Hope u all have a good deto mr
Well that was a long night. I think I could deal with the insomnia a bit better if I just had a reprieve from the pain. Abdolutely every part of me is aching. Found myself in all sorts of weird and wonderful, sitting, laying and standing positions. All to no avail, at some point this must get easier.
I just found myself looking for my phone, hilarious as I'm using it to create this entry. That about sum's up how battered my mind is. Frazzled would be a good word. One thing I am sure of I will never as long as I live take Methadone again. I would rather chew tin foil.
Watching the news a lot at the mo, i do worry what sort of life my children will have. Will there still be an NHS. Will the world still be run by the few hidden elites. Will governments still be corrupt, will there still be ongoing wars. Sadly i supect that my children will not have the simple approach, requiring ipads and iphones etc etc. Instead they could be running free, in a rural and healthy setting. The outer hebrides looks about right, it is something I'm considering, not sure I
Hope u all have a good deto mr
Hello,
This insomnia is getting really old now. I did manage 35 minutes sleep only to wake up drenched from prolific night sweats. How can such a drug as Methadone actually be used, getting clear of this is way harder than the Heroin itself. In 12 hours I provide another screen which has to be clear to be prescribed Naltrexone. Surely it must be clear of my system by now.
On a different but related issue, I have been told why I was prejudiced against when it came to funding. It turns out that the Treatment Based project i worked for and eventually had to report to the care quality commision have received all the funding for Rehab in this area. Basically the project was told they were gonna have to close a year ago. In response to this the director of said company has basically blackmailed the local authority by saying. If you dont fund us, I was get loads of crack/heroin dependants from out of the local area. He's ruthless and it's all about profit for him, not life. I wonder what this person may have on the decision maker.
You know it strikes me that I am feeling sorry for myself and there are people starving in the world. Somehow that puts things into a little perspective. Yeah I made the choice to use but god knows no one deserves this type of slow ongoing torture.
Ciao for now
This insomnia is getting really old now. I did manage 35 minutes sleep only to wake up drenched from prolific night sweats. How can such a drug as Methadone actually be used, getting clear of this is way harder than the Heroin itself. In 12 hours I provide another screen which has to be clear to be prescribed Naltrexone. Surely it must be clear of my system by now.
On a different but related issue, I have been told why I was prejudiced against when it came to funding. It turns out that the Treatment Based project i worked for and eventually had to report to the care quality commision have received all the funding for Rehab in this area. Basically the project was told they were gonna have to close a year ago. In response to this the director of said company has basically blackmailed the local authority by saying. If you dont fund us, I was get loads of crack/heroin dependants from out of the local area. He's ruthless and it's all about profit for him, not life. I wonder what this person may have on the decision maker.
You know it strikes me that I am feeling sorry for myself and there are people starving in the world. Somehow that puts things into a little perspective. Yeah I made the choice to use but god knows no one deserves this type of slow ongoing torture.
Ciao for now
Monday 22 February 2016
Hello,
Had an odd day, went to see my community drug and alcohol worker today to collect my opiate blocker script - Naltrexone. Had to do a urine screen to ensure I am totally clear of opiates, if I still have any opiates at all in my system the naltrexone would throw me into a severe withdrawal. Bearing in mind my last dose of Methadone was 9 full days ago. To my surprise I screened positive for Methadone. Thats some Half-life. As I was informed the Naltrexone likes the opiate receptors and is stickier than the opiate metabolites. Not only does it bind to the receptor it blocks it too. However if there are the slightest amount of Opiate Metabolites left in the receptor the Naltrexone forces them out and makes you feel intense withdrawal. Gotta wonder could I feel any worse?? Well its been 3 days at home with about 3.5 hours sleep in total and lots of Noradrenaline bombardments. Wide awake, leg cramps. Uncontrollable stretches and sneezing fits. Why does this even occur in nature? Hope those that read Gary's poem earlier enjoyed it, or if in recovery or use could relate to it.
A big thanks to Leanne for her positive vibes and support.
Well it will soon be another long dark night, its crazy how 8 hours can seem like a lifetime, feeling run down and lonely at these dark times. Perhaps I need a hobby.
Ciao for now
Had an odd day, went to see my community drug and alcohol worker today to collect my opiate blocker script - Naltrexone. Had to do a urine screen to ensure I am totally clear of opiates, if I still have any opiates at all in my system the naltrexone would throw me into a severe withdrawal. Bearing in mind my last dose of Methadone was 9 full days ago. To my surprise I screened positive for Methadone. Thats some Half-life. As I was informed the Naltrexone likes the opiate receptors and is stickier than the opiate metabolites. Not only does it bind to the receptor it blocks it too. However if there are the slightest amount of Opiate Metabolites left in the receptor the Naltrexone forces them out and makes you feel intense withdrawal. Gotta wonder could I feel any worse?? Well its been 3 days at home with about 3.5 hours sleep in total and lots of Noradrenaline bombardments. Wide awake, leg cramps. Uncontrollable stretches and sneezing fits. Why does this even occur in nature? Hope those that read Gary's poem earlier enjoyed it, or if in recovery or use could relate to it.
A big thanks to Leanne for her positive vibes and support.
Well it will soon be another long dark night, its crazy how 8 hours can seem like a lifetime, feeling run down and lonely at these dark times. Perhaps I need a hobby.
Ciao for now
Goodbye
Gary Harkness
I find myself pondering through the annuls of my life,
Wondering why I chose to walk the prickly path of strife,
Why I chose to seek out chaos, rather than routes more sublime,
Why I never chose to change my path, over this epic length of time,
I felt comfortable in the madness, happy with my lot,
The feelings that were true and real, were the ones that I forgot.
Closed myself off from my ability to see nature’s beauty pure,
Sought my only solace, through addictions chemical cure,
It robbed me of everything to which I should stand true,
And her sedatory powers, meant, I never had a clue,
My drug became my mistress, encompassing every part of every day,
I sought out my Kryptonite in every possible way.
It brought me to my knees, took everything I ever had,
She took my dignity, my marriage and ability to be a dad,
But still I never saw her wiles, were robbing me of me,
And every second of my day with her I chose to be,
My mistress made sure I was dependant through and through,
Spun her web and convinced me, you need me to be you.
Now no longer do I her have ruling my entire life,
It has been a process similar to the divorce from my wife,
She left me cold and bare, standing all alone,
With every part of me aching, every organ, every bone,
She convinced me that without her I was lost,
Meaning all that joy love could bring was out of reach at any cost.
However I now look with eyes newly born,
I am starting to be able to function, through my mistress’s scorn,
She is clever, she is wily, she is very sly,
Without her grip around me, my heart again can fly,
Life is the choice for which I opt today,
And life is what I choose to live, whatever cost I pay,
No longer am I beholding to her vice like claws,
Free from now from her tight suffocating paws,
These eyes behold the beauty of the breaking dawn,
No longer am I prisoner to her clutches and her scorn.
So long, my long lost lover, it is life that I choose,
No longer to your beat I’ll dance, no longer a prisoner to your blues,
You’ve been deceitful and misguiding for a major part of my life,
I never took the same amount of grief from my ex bloody wife,
I’m no longer in your clutches, not your puppet on a string,
I’ve chosen to seek my solace, and love, under nature’s wing.
So long my old mistress, it was you and I for so long,
Now my heart beats freely with a joyous rhythmic hum,
I’m free from you now you nasty piece of work,
No longer in every thought of the day does my reliance on you lurk,
Good to you, you’ve been my lover, almost a wife,
But in your grips I am no longer I have chosen life,
So its to the job of DIY, and patching up a broken past,
I never thought it would be easy to let you go, but you are gone at last,
I see my future burning bright, like a burning star,
And I going to go and find it with the speed of a racing car.
Saturday 20 February 2016
Ahhhhhhh, insomnia is driving me insane. It's 4:23 and I still havent got any sleep. Surely something has to give soon. I'm so run down, this is f#$¥ing b&£#€¥it.
I lay here in misery.
Legs cramping,
Brain frying,
Omg, this cant be the way,
I wonder the house,
Pain and suffering wonder with me,
I try to be as quiet as a mouse,
I dont want to wake my spouse,
No more will I use,
My body was abused,
I suffer long term,
Will I ever truly learn,
My hot tears run down my cheeks.
I feel so tired, i feel so weak,
How long can i cope,
I must keep up hope.
Ciao for now
I lay here in misery.
Legs cramping,
Brain frying,
Omg, this cant be the way,
I wonder the house,
Pain and suffering wonder with me,
I try to be as quiet as a mouse,
I dont want to wake my spouse,
No more will I use,
My body was abused,
I suffer long term,
Will I ever truly learn,
My hot tears run down my cheeks.
I feel so tired, i feel so weak,
How long can i cope,
I must keep up hope.
Ciao for now
Hello,
I'm home, the final meeting before discharge was very emotional. I shed many a tear. My peers were so positive and supportive and even though i've only had 30 mins sleep in 36 hours its great to be home and I actually feel really positive for my future. Cooking some nice pulled pork for my family.
I have some literature to get typed up and I will type these up and post them tomorrow. The previously mentioned poem by my new friend from treatment. His name is Gary Harkness and he was an inspiration in treatment is determined to live the rest of his life. He has been using for 26 years too. We were very like minded. I also have a very short story well more like a pro-logue that I wrote in Creative writing. We were given the wors Hero and had to write about it in any way I like. I'll get them on tomorrow. I'm going to spend this evening in the warm embrace of my family. I start community based secondary treatment on Monday. I am apprehensive however because there are active addicts in community based groups. However N/A is totally substance free but is only once week. I'll get good support in place and feel excited for life and maybe love if I can prove my sobriety to my wife. It'll be a goodly long time before and indeed if the trust can be repaired. So be kind to hourselves and take it one day at a time.
Ciao for now
I'm home, the final meeting before discharge was very emotional. I shed many a tear. My peers were so positive and supportive and even though i've only had 30 mins sleep in 36 hours its great to be home and I actually feel really positive for my future. Cooking some nice pulled pork for my family.
I have some literature to get typed up and I will type these up and post them tomorrow. The previously mentioned poem by my new friend from treatment. His name is Gary Harkness and he was an inspiration in treatment is determined to live the rest of his life. He has been using for 26 years too. We were very like minded. I also have a very short story well more like a pro-logue that I wrote in Creative writing. We were given the wors Hero and had to write about it in any way I like. I'll get them on tomorrow. I'm going to spend this evening in the warm embrace of my family. I start community based secondary treatment on Monday. I am apprehensive however because there are active addicts in community based groups. However N/A is totally substance free but is only once week. I'll get good support in place and feel excited for life and maybe love if I can prove my sobriety to my wife. It'll be a goodly long time before and indeed if the trust can be repaired. So be kind to hourselves and take it one day at a time.
Ciao for now
Friday 19 February 2016
Hello,
Its now 3:25am and I am utterly wide awake the leg cramps are starting to subside but sleep is not happening. In only 6 hours my children will be here with their mum to collect me. Looks like they are going to find a braindead zombie waiting for them. This insomia nightmare is getting old now. How on earth did my support team believe I would be through the withdrawal in such a short time. This is a living hell i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I must also never forget how dire this is getting. On a positive note I have had some great sentiment and good wishes from all my peers here. There are some great people here and I look forward to staying in contact if they also stay free from addiction. There is a potential job waiting for me and i look forward to being self sufficient again. This is the longest night by far during this detox. I actually think I wont be getting a wink of shut eye. She's as demanding lover this lady heroin and likely to ruin and trick people into her insidious, hypnotic ways.
I suppose at some point extreme exhaustion must force me to gain some much needed sleep.
Its the uncertainty of not knowing how long I will be sleep deprived. At least if had a rough timeframe I could prepare accordingly but as everyone is different it could be a long time. To top it off I've contracted a cold too. I guess it really only pours but never rains. I may be insane soon if this doesnt break.
Ciao for now
Its now 3:25am and I am utterly wide awake the leg cramps are starting to subside but sleep is not happening. In only 6 hours my children will be here with their mum to collect me. Looks like they are going to find a braindead zombie waiting for them. This insomia nightmare is getting old now. How on earth did my support team believe I would be through the withdrawal in such a short time. This is a living hell i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I must also never forget how dire this is getting. On a positive note I have had some great sentiment and good wishes from all my peers here. There are some great people here and I look forward to staying in contact if they also stay free from addiction. There is a potential job waiting for me and i look forward to being self sufficient again. This is the longest night by far during this detox. I actually think I wont be getting a wink of shut eye. She's as demanding lover this lady heroin and likely to ruin and trick people into her insidious, hypnotic ways.
I suppose at some point extreme exhaustion must force me to gain some much needed sleep.
Its the uncertainty of not knowing how long I will be sleep deprived. At least if had a rough timeframe I could prepare accordingly but as everyone is different it could be a long time. To top it off I've contracted a cold too. I guess it really only pours but never rains. I may be insane soon if this doesnt break.
Ciao for now
Hello,
Another night of severe cramps and little sleep. I must remember these times and use the memeories to reinforce my committment to change. I go home tomorrow, albeit a very unsettled home full off uncertainty. Yet again another consequence of my using. I will i could bottle this misery and sell it so people could experience the worst of it before ever using. May be a good deterrent, unfortunately a lot of people i have spoken to werent aware of the destruction and pain addiction can cause. Awareness amd education has to be the way forward. How does one go about that though. I have written treatment plans in the past but never a preemptive plan. Would anyone destined for addiction really listen? Perhaps the only real way to gain the knowledge is too experience it. I like to think there is always a more enlightened approach if only it can found and circulated amongst young people. The thought of my children going through this or experimenting with drugs/alcohol is very scary for me and i'll will do my best to educate them as they approach adolescence. I must try and eat something. Have a good day, night or whatever stage of the day you are in.
Ciao for now
Another night of severe cramps and little sleep. I must remember these times and use the memeories to reinforce my committment to change. I go home tomorrow, albeit a very unsettled home full off uncertainty. Yet again another consequence of my using. I will i could bottle this misery and sell it so people could experience the worst of it before ever using. May be a good deterrent, unfortunately a lot of people i have spoken to werent aware of the destruction and pain addiction can cause. Awareness amd education has to be the way forward. How does one go about that though. I have written treatment plans in the past but never a preemptive plan. Would anyone destined for addiction really listen? Perhaps the only real way to gain the knowledge is too experience it. I like to think there is always a more enlightened approach if only it can found and circulated amongst young people. The thought of my children going through this or experimenting with drugs/alcohol is very scary for me and i'll will do my best to educate them as they approach adolescence. I must try and eat something. Have a good day, night or whatever stage of the day you are in.
Ciao for now
Thursday 18 February 2016
Hello,
A big thanks to Leanne for my positive vibes. That was much appreciated. I feel ok at the moment but know that nightime is looming. I really hope the leg cramps start to imrove. I can cope with everything else but the legs cramps are indeed my kryptonite. There is lots of support in here and I am making the most of it. Tonight is the last night I'm allowed any quinine, I'm sure the dr here is experienced enough to know roughly how long the half life of Methadone is. That being said it must be different for everybody as we are all individual. I just hope that tonight is a little kinder to me. Its quiz night tonight so at least i can excerise my brain a bit. I hope everyone who reads this blog is doing ok. If not getting support is actually the easiest road although it may seem the hardest at the moment for you. Stay strong every one and stay safe.
Ciao for now
A big thanks to Leanne for my positive vibes. That was much appreciated. I feel ok at the moment but know that nightime is looming. I really hope the leg cramps start to imrove. I can cope with everything else but the legs cramps are indeed my kryptonite. There is lots of support in here and I am making the most of it. Tonight is the last night I'm allowed any quinine, I'm sure the dr here is experienced enough to know roughly how long the half life of Methadone is. That being said it must be different for everybody as we are all individual. I just hope that tonight is a little kinder to me. Its quiz night tonight so at least i can excerise my brain a bit. I hope everyone who reads this blog is doing ok. If not getting support is actually the easiest road although it may seem the hardest at the moment for you. Stay strong every one and stay safe.
Ciao for now
Hello,
Well sleep is an elusive friend, my legs are cramping beyond anything I have exerienced before. The nurse here game me some quinine but sadly that hasn't helped. I couldn't sit or lay in one position for more than 10 minutes at a time before having to move from the cramps and the pain. I have 48 hours till I go home. I really hope this breaks before then. I'm in a safe environment here with lots of support. Out there in the big bad world, I'll be under my own reconnaissance. Although I will have support from family to a degree and regular groups, I still fear the deep, dark, lonely and painful nights. These are full off dicomfort and desperation, I found myself walking the halls, trying to read, massaging my legs. All to no avail. I have to be strong, I am commited to my recovery, its just old anxieties imposing themselves on me. I find myself feeling a little better having blogged about the dramas. It is quite therapeutic putting it down in words. I must remeber these miseries when having any using thought. I must remember to tell myself "Bullshit" when the "I can have just one" Syndrome rears it's ugly, insipid head. Well please send me some positive vibes over the next few days.
Ciao for now.
Well sleep is an elusive friend, my legs are cramping beyond anything I have exerienced before. The nurse here game me some quinine but sadly that hasn't helped. I couldn't sit or lay in one position for more than 10 minutes at a time before having to move from the cramps and the pain. I have 48 hours till I go home. I really hope this breaks before then. I'm in a safe environment here with lots of support. Out there in the big bad world, I'll be under my own reconnaissance. Although I will have support from family to a degree and regular groups, I still fear the deep, dark, lonely and painful nights. These are full off dicomfort and desperation, I found myself walking the halls, trying to read, massaging my legs. All to no avail. I have to be strong, I am commited to my recovery, its just old anxieties imposing themselves on me. I find myself feeling a little better having blogged about the dramas. It is quite therapeutic putting it down in words. I must remeber these miseries when having any using thought. I must remember to tell myself "Bullshit" when the "I can have just one" Syndrome rears it's ugly, insipid head. Well please send me some positive vibes over the next few days.
Ciao for now.
Wednesday 17 February 2016
Hello,
I'm 2 days away from discharge. Its a real shame as our open group is really starting to perform now. Theres real trust building and sharing my story has had a domino effect and a few other group members have shared some real deep stuff. Obviously group is a confidentil environment so thats all I can say. I can only hope that the groups I engage with in the community will be as productive. I'm apprehensive attended groups in my local service as a lot of the people are still active. I suspect N/A may be better with complete abstinence and real continuity. Well hopefully anyway, also having a sponsor and eventually becoming a sponsor would benefit me. The flipside of being discharged on Saturday is I get to play xbox with my son and spend some good quality time with all my famil. Not forgetting my little doggies of course. Its gonna be a mad month to come as not only have i group to do but I have to try to sort out my house and try to sell it before it is repossessed. Well I suppose I have to accept responsibility for my choices and actions which have brought me here. I say suppose as I am also carrying a lot of resentment now I have aknowledge the abuse. Why should any of them have a normal successful life when they took 35 years from me. It somehow just doesnt seem fair. Especially as the leader of the 5 lads and the first is married to a good friend from school, amd seems to have a great life. Its just not fair, however the fallout from an official complaints seems pointless as it was so long ago.
Anyway I must go am struggling this all at the mo.
Ciao for now
I'm 2 days away from discharge. Its a real shame as our open group is really starting to perform now. Theres real trust building and sharing my story has had a domino effect and a few other group members have shared some real deep stuff. Obviously group is a confidentil environment so thats all I can say. I can only hope that the groups I engage with in the community will be as productive. I'm apprehensive attended groups in my local service as a lot of the people are still active. I suspect N/A may be better with complete abstinence and real continuity. Well hopefully anyway, also having a sponsor and eventually becoming a sponsor would benefit me. The flipside of being discharged on Saturday is I get to play xbox with my son and spend some good quality time with all my famil. Not forgetting my little doggies of course. Its gonna be a mad month to come as not only have i group to do but I have to try to sort out my house and try to sell it before it is repossessed. Well I suppose I have to accept responsibility for my choices and actions which have brought me here. I say suppose as I am also carrying a lot of resentment now I have aknowledge the abuse. Why should any of them have a normal successful life when they took 35 years from me. It somehow just doesnt seem fair. Especially as the leader of the 5 lads and the first is married to a good friend from school, amd seems to have a great life. Its just not fair, however the fallout from an official complaints seems pointless as it was so long ago.
Anyway I must go am struggling this all at the mo.
Ciao for now
Tuesday 16 February 2016
Hello,
I actually did it, I disclosed to the group today. It was raw, emotional but on the flipside its like a weight has been lifted. There were a surprising amount of people in the group that have had similar experiences as children. While that was great and made me realise I am not alone it was also saddening that so many children are subjected to abuse of one kind or another. Sexual and Violent being the main theme in here. I remember about 4 years or so ago the stats were that 1 in 6 children in britain are subjected to some form of abuse. However beautiful the world is it seems that mankind can make it pretty dark at times. Oftentimes young people leave home prematurly for various reasons. There is a video a friend of mine has made with the Healthy Living Project which can help raise awareness, if you have some a few minutes to spare please read:
https://youtu.be/QL-EunZaNO4
Thanks,
Ciao for now
I actually did it, I disclosed to the group today. It was raw, emotional but on the flipside its like a weight has been lifted. There were a surprising amount of people in the group that have had similar experiences as children. While that was great and made me realise I am not alone it was also saddening that so many children are subjected to abuse of one kind or another. Sexual and Violent being the main theme in here. I remember about 4 years or so ago the stats were that 1 in 6 children in britain are subjected to some form of abuse. However beautiful the world is it seems that mankind can make it pretty dark at times. Oftentimes young people leave home prematurly for various reasons. There is a video a friend of mine has made with the Healthy Living Project which can help raise awareness, if you have some a few minutes to spare please read:
https://youtu.be/QL-EunZaNO4
Thanks,
Ciao for now
Monday 15 February 2016
Hello,
I'm in a bad way today, there is a bug doing the rounds here in the Rehab. A few people have had it but it seems to last only a day or two. Suffices to say ouchy mumma. I have decided to do an assignment in group tomorrow about the abuse I exerienced when I was 8. Its been hard writing it and very emotional. My councellor has suggested, if I'm able, to share with group. This fills me with dread but I know I have to get it out and really own it. It wasn't my fault but was done to me. That being said I have hidden it for so long that breaking that behavior pattern is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. Following the initial disclosure to my counsellor it felt quite liberating and empowering. That being said I have realised that these behaviours are firmly ingrained. I have a school photo of my children with me, my son is basically mini me and it breaks my heart to think that when I was that age I did 't have anyone I could tell, and would subsequently suffer in silence for 35 years. Clearly I have a lot of therapy and work to do in the community. He's a year older than I was when I was raped by 5 older boys. I just could't imagine him going through something like that, hes just like me a sensitive soul. The only difference is that I was the first born and he was the second. There is a theory that te first born child is generally more resilient than subsequent siblings.
https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=5dCOxdgAAAAJ&hl=en
Quite interesting theory also states first born are more attractive and intelligence. I suppose they get more off both parent before other siblings are born. Nurture at its best.
I'm in a bad way today, there is a bug doing the rounds here in the Rehab. A few people have had it but it seems to last only a day or two. Suffices to say ouchy mumma. I have decided to do an assignment in group tomorrow about the abuse I exerienced when I was 8. Its been hard writing it and very emotional. My councellor has suggested, if I'm able, to share with group. This fills me with dread but I know I have to get it out and really own it. It wasn't my fault but was done to me. That being said I have hidden it for so long that breaking that behavior pattern is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. Following the initial disclosure to my counsellor it felt quite liberating and empowering. That being said I have realised that these behaviours are firmly ingrained. I have a school photo of my children with me, my son is basically mini me and it breaks my heart to think that when I was that age I did 't have anyone I could tell, and would subsequently suffer in silence for 35 years. Clearly I have a lot of therapy and work to do in the community. He's a year older than I was when I was raped by 5 older boys. I just could't imagine him going through something like that, hes just like me a sensitive soul. The only difference is that I was the first born and he was the second. There is a theory that te first born child is generally more resilient than subsequent siblings.
https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=5dCOxdgAAAAJ&hl=en
Quite interesting theory also states first born are more attractive and intelligence. I suppose they get more off both parent before other siblings are born. Nurture at its best.
Sunday 14 February 2016
Hello,
Struggling this evening, the impending medicine free day is looming. I feel the stretches, yawns, stomache cramp, headache, backache, sneezing, runny nose and of course the obligatory diarrhoea. Probably too much info but this blog is all about realism in recovery. Hopefully i might get some sleep tonight. A few of us watch Django Unchained last night that was a welcome distraction and a great film. My heads battered but I'm staying strong. I get to go back to my home town on Saturday and am really looking forward to seeing my kids. My son has made me promise we'll play xbox all day Saturday and Sunday I shall watch movies with my daughter and cook a full english dinner with her. She loves helping me in the kitchen, bless her she is 11 going on 20 and desperate fo her independence. My son on the other hand couldn't give a monkey's, as long as his xbox works he's content. Might visit the local pool hall too or take dogs down the beach.
I hope I feel better by then, it wont be much fun if i have to stay within 20 meters of a toilet at all times. There is also a bug sweeping through the house, I expect to get that too. Had some very vivid using dreams and woke up terrified I'd relapse. This is a good thing I believe it just highlights how I dont want to bo back to the madness. I briefly considred getting a few beers but soon put that idea to bed. If I use anything I am just keeping the back door open. Anyway that enough of my tattle for now.
Ciao for now
Struggling this evening, the impending medicine free day is looming. I feel the stretches, yawns, stomache cramp, headache, backache, sneezing, runny nose and of course the obligatory diarrhoea. Probably too much info but this blog is all about realism in recovery. Hopefully i might get some sleep tonight. A few of us watch Django Unchained last night that was a welcome distraction and a great film. My heads battered but I'm staying strong. I get to go back to my home town on Saturday and am really looking forward to seeing my kids. My son has made me promise we'll play xbox all day Saturday and Sunday I shall watch movies with my daughter and cook a full english dinner with her. She loves helping me in the kitchen, bless her she is 11 going on 20 and desperate fo her independence. My son on the other hand couldn't give a monkey's, as long as his xbox works he's content. Might visit the local pool hall too or take dogs down the beach.
I hope I feel better by then, it wont be much fun if i have to stay within 20 meters of a toilet at all times. There is also a bug sweeping through the house, I expect to get that too. Had some very vivid using dreams and woke up terrified I'd relapse. This is a good thing I believe it just highlights how I dont want to bo back to the madness. I briefly considred getting a few beers but soon put that idea to bed. If I use anything I am just keeping the back door open. Anyway that enough of my tattle for now.
Ciao for now
Hello,
Well today has dragged a bit, I've been plodding round like a zombie. Tired and a little uncertain but still positive. I get dishcarged next saturday. Its been empowering to aknowledge the abuse I experienced as a child. I understand its really early days and that i will somehow have to seek more counselling but I have taken the first and most difficult step. I am starting to see a future again and actually have a 5 year plan and aspirations. I long for the simple things in life. The true pleasures, music, family, good food, socialising the list could go on and on. When I think back I have always had to seek intoxication for pleasure as well as blocking out painful emotions. I still havent recieved the poem but am sure it will be sent any time now. I look forward to sharing its very insightful and written by a long term addict. Who following 26 years of use is now in recovery. He has been a real inspiration too me in here. In fact all my peers have they are a good bunch it looks like I came in just at the right time. By the time I leave I will actually have a few days totally medication free. I admit I am scared but I am also ready for life.
Ciao for now
Well today has dragged a bit, I've been plodding round like a zombie. Tired and a little uncertain but still positive. I get dishcarged next saturday. Its been empowering to aknowledge the abuse I experienced as a child. I understand its really early days and that i will somehow have to seek more counselling but I have taken the first and most difficult step. I am starting to see a future again and actually have a 5 year plan and aspirations. I long for the simple things in life. The true pleasures, music, family, good food, socialising the list could go on and on. When I think back I have always had to seek intoxication for pleasure as well as blocking out painful emotions. I still havent recieved the poem but am sure it will be sent any time now. I look forward to sharing its very insightful and written by a long term addict. Who following 26 years of use is now in recovery. He has been a real inspiration too me in here. In fact all my peers have they are a good bunch it looks like I came in just at the right time. By the time I leave I will actually have a few days totally medication free. I admit I am scared but I am also ready for life.
Ciao for now
Friday 12 February 2016
Hello,
Well its been a roller coaster the last couple of days. I will be completely drug free in 1day. My dotox is nearly over. Thats a miracle in itself. I am beginning to retrain my brain to experience my emotions rather than suppress them, how Alien that will be. I have some good CBT based techniques to use. When I trained as a counsellor i didnt reckon much to CBT but actually it has immense potential with addiction and PTSD. I would really reccomend that anybody who feels they are ready for change seeks out a psychosocial intervention. Its never too late to make change, however i do also realise that when a person is in the madness they may not see that there is hope. I suppose its the reason only a small percentage of addicts make change.
Ciao for now
Well its been a roller coaster the last couple of days. I will be completely drug free in 1day. My dotox is nearly over. Thats a miracle in itself. I am beginning to retrain my brain to experience my emotions rather than suppress them, how Alien that will be. I have some good CBT based techniques to use. When I trained as a counsellor i didnt reckon much to CBT but actually it has immense potential with addiction and PTSD. I would really reccomend that anybody who feels they are ready for change seeks out a psychosocial intervention. Its never too late to make change, however i do also realise that when a person is in the madness they may not see that there is hope. I suppose its the reason only a small percentage of addicts make change.
Ciao for now
Wednesday 10 February 2016
Hello,
Well today has been a real emotional roller coaster. Firstly i attended an open group with some real emotional shares. Then i had to read out a letter of introduction. That was particularly hard as it was like an brief life story. It was tough reading out the progression of my heroin addiction and how I have actually lost every thing I hold dear. However once read it was also very cthartic. I then attended what called creative writing. I naively thought it would be about improving literacy skills, oh how I was mistaken. I had to choose a word and then write about how this word has effected me and how it can benefit me. I chose the word "acknowledgment". I basically realised that I have to learn to aknowledge the abuse I was subjected too. Also and perhaps more importantly how the lack of aknowledgement has supported the suppression of bad memeories/feeling. I need use a CBT model to retrain my way of thinking regarding the abuse. I know this may sound a bit "fluffy" but actually it is really working. I would reccomend that anyone with addiction problems seek treatment and counselling. We only get one life and I now realise I have wasted probably half of it.
Ciao for now
Well today has been a real emotional roller coaster. Firstly i attended an open group with some real emotional shares. Then i had to read out a letter of introduction. That was particularly hard as it was like an brief life story. It was tough reading out the progression of my heroin addiction and how I have actually lost every thing I hold dear. However once read it was also very cthartic. I then attended what called creative writing. I naively thought it would be about improving literacy skills, oh how I was mistaken. I had to choose a word and then write about how this word has effected me and how it can benefit me. I chose the word "acknowledgment". I basically realised that I have to learn to aknowledge the abuse I was subjected too. Also and perhaps more importantly how the lack of aknowledgement has supported the suppression of bad memeories/feeling. I need use a CBT model to retrain my way of thinking regarding the abuse. I know this may sound a bit "fluffy" but actually it is really working. I would reccomend that anyone with addiction problems seek treatment and counselling. We only get one life and I now realise I have wasted probably half of it.
Ciao for now
Tuesday 9 February 2016
Hello,
The last couple of days have been very emotional. My counsellor has set me the task of using the word abuse instead of trauma. I've buried and suppressed it for so long that this is a monumental task. In fact this is the first time I have done this. I spent so long suppressing it that it was almost like it happened to someone else. So in an attempt to bring it out into the open I am going to disclose it on here. Its taken 2 days to build up to this and I think I am ready.
When I was 8 I agreed to break into the local primary school playground with 5 older lads from my estate.It all seemed like fun before we got in. I was soon to find out they actually had a much darker agenda. The Playground had an area that couldnt be seen from anywhere and this is where we went. Once out of sight from the rest of the world they turned nasty. The ring leader told the other four to hold me down. One by one they raped me. I felt so ashamed and like it was my fault. So much so I didn't tell another living sole until 2 days ago. For as long as I can remember I have buried this and in some respects was still an 8 year old boy. I must now process this and learn it wasn't my fault, it was done to me and not done by me. I must leave it there as I am finding it difficult again.
Ciao for now
The last couple of days have been very emotional. My counsellor has set me the task of using the word abuse instead of trauma. I've buried and suppressed it for so long that this is a monumental task. In fact this is the first time I have done this. I spent so long suppressing it that it was almost like it happened to someone else. So in an attempt to bring it out into the open I am going to disclose it on here. Its taken 2 days to build up to this and I think I am ready.
When I was 8 I agreed to break into the local primary school playground with 5 older lads from my estate.It all seemed like fun before we got in. I was soon to find out they actually had a much darker agenda. The Playground had an area that couldnt be seen from anywhere and this is where we went. Once out of sight from the rest of the world they turned nasty. The ring leader told the other four to hold me down. One by one they raped me. I felt so ashamed and like it was my fault. So much so I didn't tell another living sole until 2 days ago. For as long as I can remember I have buried this and in some respects was still an 8 year old boy. I must now process this and learn it wasn't my fault, it was done to me and not done by me. I must leave it there as I am finding it difficult again.
Ciao for now
Sunday 7 February 2016
Hello,
Today has been hard, I finally disclosed to another person a trauma I had as a child. It was in a 1-1 session with my in house counsellor. Not sure why today was the right time but after 36 years I have finally shared. It was a massive relief and my counsellor pointed out that it wasn't my fault and the shame and self loathing I feel is normal. She has recommended that from this moment on I try to recognise when these feelings are rising and that I find a new way of dealing with them. In essence to be kind to myself rather than blame myself. This is a CBT based approach and I feel it could, in time help me. When I think back I always assumed my drug taking was a symptom of my environment and the parental encouragment and that the anxiety/shame i felt was due to my drug taking. I had spent so many years burying what had happened that I never associated my self medicating with the earlier trauma. The worst of all this is that the guy who perpetrated the trauma is now married to one of my old school friends and has a great life and a lovely family. This i didnt know until i reconnected with her on facebook 6 years ago. When I think back this preceded my relapse by a matter of months. Slowly but surely all the pieces are starting to fit together. This being 1 in a series of events which triggered my vulnerability and eventual relapse. I was 8 when it happened and he was about 5-6 years older than me. Its no wonder i was ripe for addiction. Man this is one hell of a journey of self discovery. I need to find who I an and start to be kind to myself.
Ciao for now
Today has been hard, I finally disclosed to another person a trauma I had as a child. It was in a 1-1 session with my in house counsellor. Not sure why today was the right time but after 36 years I have finally shared. It was a massive relief and my counsellor pointed out that it wasn't my fault and the shame and self loathing I feel is normal. She has recommended that from this moment on I try to recognise when these feelings are rising and that I find a new way of dealing with them. In essence to be kind to myself rather than blame myself. This is a CBT based approach and I feel it could, in time help me. When I think back I always assumed my drug taking was a symptom of my environment and the parental encouragment and that the anxiety/shame i felt was due to my drug taking. I had spent so many years burying what had happened that I never associated my self medicating with the earlier trauma. The worst of all this is that the guy who perpetrated the trauma is now married to one of my old school friends and has a great life and a lovely family. This i didnt know until i reconnected with her on facebook 6 years ago. When I think back this preceded my relapse by a matter of months. Slowly but surely all the pieces are starting to fit together. This being 1 in a series of events which triggered my vulnerability and eventual relapse. I was 8 when it happened and he was about 5-6 years older than me. Its no wonder i was ripe for addiction. Man this is one hell of a journey of self discovery. I need to find who I an and start to be kind to myself.
Ciao for now
Saturday 6 February 2016
Hello,
Stuggling today sleep never blessed me with her presence last night. Methadone is going down 5 mls daily. Starting to really feel it now. I knew this would come and have experienced withdrawal many times before. This time however I am not alone and can actually talk to someone when the monkey is really clawing at my back. Tour de france has been playing havoc with my legs so I think i am going to request some quinine tonight. It certainly helps with the leg cramps (tour de france). Stomache cramps are letting me know that full blown cluck is in the post. However when i think of all I have to gain from beating my addiction these complaints are small. I long for a normal life again with all the simple things being the most pleasurable. When in addiction I tend to lose sight of the simple things. Complicating everything with the everpresent preoccupation of addiction. I can feel a bout of D and V coming on and hope for a moments respite at some point today. Still no funding for secondary treatment. It looks like 2 days after my last dose of Methadone I am to be sent home. How is this fair i have worked and paid taxes most of my adult life. Sorry for being maudling today but want to embrace brutal honesty. Have a good Saturday every blinking peeps.
Ciao for now
Stuggling today sleep never blessed me with her presence last night. Methadone is going down 5 mls daily. Starting to really feel it now. I knew this would come and have experienced withdrawal many times before. This time however I am not alone and can actually talk to someone when the monkey is really clawing at my back. Tour de france has been playing havoc with my legs so I think i am going to request some quinine tonight. It certainly helps with the leg cramps (tour de france). Stomache cramps are letting me know that full blown cluck is in the post. However when i think of all I have to gain from beating my addiction these complaints are small. I long for a normal life again with all the simple things being the most pleasurable. When in addiction I tend to lose sight of the simple things. Complicating everything with the everpresent preoccupation of addiction. I can feel a bout of D and V coming on and hope for a moments respite at some point today. Still no funding for secondary treatment. It looks like 2 days after my last dose of Methadone I am to be sent home. How is this fair i have worked and paid taxes most of my adult life. Sorry for being maudling today but want to embrace brutal honesty. Have a good Saturday every blinking peeps.
Ciao for now
Friday 5 February 2016
Hello,
Another emotional day in the cuckoo's nest. Very tearful group this morning, sharing a day in my using life. Great bunch of people here and very supportive. The counsellors are also very good. I found out today that this is the only rehab where phones/pads are allowed. Just as well really or I wouldn't be able to blog. I find this therapeutic having an extra outlet. This along with my journal and groups are really aiding my personal development. For the last 12 years 4 of them in relapse I was convinced I knew it all ergo no one could help me. How conceited and in denial I was. You would think as a trained drug and alcohol counsellor I would have known better. I suppose that highlights how delusional addiction can make a person. Well I am humbled by my peers, the hardship and horrifying situations some of them have had to face make me realise, actually my life isnt that bad. Yes from an early age I was thrown into the culture of drugs and alcohol but I have always had a certain resillience and for most part functioned. I miss my family dearly but am able to facetime them daily. Well I reckon its time for a bath, a read then with a bit of luck some sleep. I'm slowly improving my sleep hygiene. Well have a good Friday one and all.
Ciao for now
Another emotional day in the cuckoo's nest. Very tearful group this morning, sharing a day in my using life. Great bunch of people here and very supportive. The counsellors are also very good. I found out today that this is the only rehab where phones/pads are allowed. Just as well really or I wouldn't be able to blog. I find this therapeutic having an extra outlet. This along with my journal and groups are really aiding my personal development. For the last 12 years 4 of them in relapse I was convinced I knew it all ergo no one could help me. How conceited and in denial I was. You would think as a trained drug and alcohol counsellor I would have known better. I suppose that highlights how delusional addiction can make a person. Well I am humbled by my peers, the hardship and horrifying situations some of them have had to face make me realise, actually my life isnt that bad. Yes from an early age I was thrown into the culture of drugs and alcohol but I have always had a certain resillience and for most part functioned. I miss my family dearly but am able to facetime them daily. Well I reckon its time for a bath, a read then with a bit of luck some sleep. I'm slowly improving my sleep hygiene. Well have a good Friday one and all.
Ciao for now
Thursday 4 February 2016
Hello,
Well group was interesting today. Very emotional, very insightful. Its funny how I used to facilitate groups for others but now find myself as a client. I am realising that i should have treatment years ago. How my life could have been different. However i think to dwell on it would have been can be counter productive. It really does have power though sharing, being heard, listening and engaging. I found a poem today that i would like to share with you.
No one seems to know who penned the original version of this but there are a lot of variants on the original, this being one if the closest to source i could find:
So now little man you've grown tired of grass
All that damn acid, that cocaine and hash.
And someone pretending that he is your friend
Said "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin".
Well honey before you start fooling with me
Just let me tell you of how it will be.
For I will seduce you and make you my slave
Believe me I've sent srtonger men to their grave.
You think you could never become a disgrace
Then end up addicted to poppy seed waste.
You'll start by experimenting one afternoon
And end up asleep in my arms very soon.
The once I have entered deep in your veins
The craving will drive you nearly insane.
You'll need lots of money as you have been told
For darling, I'm more expensive than gold.
You'll swindle your mother for just a buck
And turn into someone who's vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for the narcotic charms
Then feel so content when I'm in your arms.
The you'll realise the monster inside you has grown
And you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
But if you think that it's easy and that you've got the knack
The sweetie just try getting me off your back.
The vomit, the cramps, your gut in a knot
The jangling nerves screaming for just one more shot.
The hot chills, the cold sweat, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains.
So now you return (just as I foretold)
And I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give me your morals, your conscience, your heart
And now you are mine till death do us part.
Ciao for now
Well group was interesting today. Very emotional, very insightful. Its funny how I used to facilitate groups for others but now find myself as a client. I am realising that i should have treatment years ago. How my life could have been different. However i think to dwell on it would have been can be counter productive. It really does have power though sharing, being heard, listening and engaging. I found a poem today that i would like to share with you.
No one seems to know who penned the original version of this but there are a lot of variants on the original, this being one if the closest to source i could find:
So now little man you've grown tired of grass
All that damn acid, that cocaine and hash.
And someone pretending that he is your friend
Said "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin".
Well honey before you start fooling with me
Just let me tell you of how it will be.
For I will seduce you and make you my slave
Believe me I've sent srtonger men to their grave.
You think you could never become a disgrace
Then end up addicted to poppy seed waste.
You'll start by experimenting one afternoon
And end up asleep in my arms very soon.
The once I have entered deep in your veins
The craving will drive you nearly insane.
You'll need lots of money as you have been told
For darling, I'm more expensive than gold.
You'll swindle your mother for just a buck
And turn into someone who's vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for the narcotic charms
Then feel so content when I'm in your arms.
The you'll realise the monster inside you has grown
And you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
But if you think that it's easy and that you've got the knack
The sweetie just try getting me off your back.
The vomit, the cramps, your gut in a knot
The jangling nerves screaming for just one more shot.
The hot chills, the cold sweat, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains.
So now you return (just as I foretold)
And I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give me your morals, your conscience, your heart
And now you are mine till death do us part.
Ciao for now
Wednesday 3 February 2016
Hello,
First day in residential treatment done. 2 groups a 1-1 induction and some acupuncture later and so far its all hunky dory. I wonder why so much money is spent on weapons and foreign aid when there are so many people stuck in addiction that would really benefit from treatment. How many productive members of society have fallen by the wayside because the funding just isnt available. I know that using drugs is ultimately a life choice but there are always reasons people fall into addictive behaviours. No-one wants to be controlled by a substance or a behaviour. Quite a few of my peers in here are highly intelligent and definately have something to offer. Its just a shame our economy is struggling. Its not just addicts who fall short, how about our soldiers that come home and receive a real lack in support. PTSD is a terrible thing to live with and where is their support. I know that soldiers will be seen to deserve help more that "junkie/druggies" but no one starts life that way, enviromental and emotional factors all comtribute to addiction and poor decision making. Do we as people really have the right to judge whose worthy of support and who isn't.
Anyway Rant over, catch up with you tomorrow. I must eat and then write my daily journal.
Ciao for now.
First day in residential treatment done. 2 groups a 1-1 induction and some acupuncture later and so far its all hunky dory. I wonder why so much money is spent on weapons and foreign aid when there are so many people stuck in addiction that would really benefit from treatment. How many productive members of society have fallen by the wayside because the funding just isnt available. I know that using drugs is ultimately a life choice but there are always reasons people fall into addictive behaviours. No-one wants to be controlled by a substance or a behaviour. Quite a few of my peers in here are highly intelligent and definately have something to offer. Its just a shame our economy is struggling. Its not just addicts who fall short, how about our soldiers that come home and receive a real lack in support. PTSD is a terrible thing to live with and where is their support. I know that soldiers will be seen to deserve help more that "junkie/druggies" but no one starts life that way, enviromental and emotional factors all comtribute to addiction and poor decision making. Do we as people really have the right to judge whose worthy of support and who isn't.
Anyway Rant over, catch up with you tomorrow. I must eat and then write my daily journal.
Ciao for now.
Tuesday 2 February 2016
Hello,
I'm in, got a single room, very lucky it would seem. Lucky for anyone who would have shared with me, I snore like a beast. I've had my belongings and pockets searched, just in case i planned to bring anything in. I get do see a dr this afternoon to plan my detox. I wonder what true clarity will be like, even when i got clean before i stil drank and smoked cannabis frequently. This time i'm going for complete abstinence. It is for the best and as Russell Brand states the only real way to keep clean.
It seems quite nice here and i'm looking forward to finding myself again. The sun is shining and for today i feel very hopeful. I have been told to appeal for an extension here as 12 weeks is the usual time frame.
It's strange i still feel too ashamed to tell my mum i'm in relapse and now in rehab. How can that be when she sanctioned my using career, well everything but heroin. Because that drug is obviously different...oh its all kind of messed up. Perhaps my assigned counsellor will help me work through my historical baggage.
My son gave me his batman bobblehead and my daughter gave me her bracelet with her name on. Said bracelet is now hanging on batmans head. They are good kids, it breaks my heart to be leaving them, if only for a few weeks.
Ciao for now x
I'm in, got a single room, very lucky it would seem. Lucky for anyone who would have shared with me, I snore like a beast. I've had my belongings and pockets searched, just in case i planned to bring anything in. I get do see a dr this afternoon to plan my detox. I wonder what true clarity will be like, even when i got clean before i stil drank and smoked cannabis frequently. This time i'm going for complete abstinence. It is for the best and as Russell Brand states the only real way to keep clean.
It seems quite nice here and i'm looking forward to finding myself again. The sun is shining and for today i feel very hopeful. I have been told to appeal for an extension here as 12 weeks is the usual time frame.
It's strange i still feel too ashamed to tell my mum i'm in relapse and now in rehab. How can that be when she sanctioned my using career, well everything but heroin. Because that drug is obviously different...oh its all kind of messed up. Perhaps my assigned counsellor will help me work through my historical baggage.
My son gave me his batman bobblehead and my daughter gave me her bracelet with her name on. Said bracelet is now hanging on batmans head. They are good kids, it breaks my heart to be leaving them, if only for a few weeks.
Ciao for now x
Monday 1 February 2016
Hello,
I'm down to the final few hours with my family. As off 11am tomorrow i'm in residential detox city. 3 weeks to clear the methadone from my system, i've been using too. Knowing that this is the end of my drug using career has prompted some massive triggers for everything. Heroin, Alcohol, Cannabis. Strangely though the anxiety is stopping the desired effect from manafesting. Well rather than continue on this fruitless obsessive behaviour i'll let it go and enjoy my last evening with my family.
Reminds me off the day my mum was sectioned. She'd been living and driving around in a car with no windscreen for 6 months. There was bin liners full of used needles in the car. Did i mention the 2 dogs also living in the car. Thats how we became homeless, her refusal to get rid off our dogs. To be fair they moved us in a flat with the dogs and 18 months later changed the rules. Well after 6 months she was a mess, as a result she got sectioned. 3 months she spent in residential. I remember visiting her daily. At least i am not locked away. Although maybe that would be better.
Ciao for now. Will blog when i can
I'm down to the final few hours with my family. As off 11am tomorrow i'm in residential detox city. 3 weeks to clear the methadone from my system, i've been using too. Knowing that this is the end of my drug using career has prompted some massive triggers for everything. Heroin, Alcohol, Cannabis. Strangely though the anxiety is stopping the desired effect from manafesting. Well rather than continue on this fruitless obsessive behaviour i'll let it go and enjoy my last evening with my family.
Reminds me off the day my mum was sectioned. She'd been living and driving around in a car with no windscreen for 6 months. There was bin liners full of used needles in the car. Did i mention the 2 dogs also living in the car. Thats how we became homeless, her refusal to get rid off our dogs. To be fair they moved us in a flat with the dogs and 18 months later changed the rules. Well after 6 months she was a mess, as a result she got sectioned. 3 months she spent in residential. I remember visiting her daily. At least i am not locked away. Although maybe that would be better.
Ciao for now. Will blog when i can
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