Hello,

The days are flying by, knowing that i'm going into rehab for a detox is terrifying. In 26 years of substance misuse I have never accessed any form of structured daily intervention let alone residential. Although we have the NHS in this country and Dependancy is now recognized as a health issue and not criminal. Funding for full blown residential treatment is almost inpossible to access. I find this a kick in the teeth as i have always supported my habit via working, criminal activith wasn't for me. I only have a handful of crimes on my record and all over 20 years old. The worst being mugging a postman (non violently). Mentioned earlier in my blog. I suppose what i am getting at is this, I've always paid my taxes so why isn't this funding availabke when i need it most.

Still i will give the coming month everything I have. I desperately need to sort my life out and rescue my marriage and my home. I know I can do this. Oh well more bitching and moaning tomorrow lol. How easy it is to play the victim role when struggling with issues in life, especially addiction. I'm guessing Karpmans triangle was on the money. Well worth a quick read if interested in human nature.

Ciao for now

Hello,

I managed to secure a detox at a local treatment centre, looks like I go in Tuesday at 11am. Scary however following 26 years of addiction it's about time I accessed residential treatment. I must remember I am no longer a drug and alcohol worker. I am once again on the other side of the desk.

I keep thinking back to the countless initial assessments I did in a local prison, as an employee. During my 8 years of abstinence I trained and became a drug and alcohol worker. I wonder if residential rehab will be similar. I know I'm certainly in for a rough ride. I will be detoxing from 50mls of Methadone. Not ideal but the whole situation has been poorly handled by local services and all of a sudden I find myself 4 days away from a full blown detox. 18 days is all I could get funding for. 3 months is what I need, I will still give it my best shot though. Yeah I guess I'm very scared, I find writing this blog to be very therapeutic and reflective.

I am hoping I can keep the blog going whilst I'm in treatment. I would like to document the highs and lows to follow.

Ciao for now.

Hello,

It's been a rough few days, looks like my wife wants to seperate. I'm struggling to imagine life without my kids around every day. Not really what I want but it's not up to me. I will respect whatever my wife wants. I still love her and would like to make a go of it. However my demons are once again helping me destroy my own life.

I wonder if I'll ever make healthy choices. What I wouldn't give for some deep therapy, unfortunately that's not an option available to me. Where did it all break, do I do drugs because I'm broken or am I broken because I do drugs. I suppose it's a bit of both, I became dependant because I had issues which just, in turn, caused more issues. What will it take for me to get back on the wagon. I know I can do it, having completed 8 years abstinence, it's defo a reality.

Someone give me strength.

Ciao for now

Well I never saw my mum in the end, decided I couldn't handle it. I had a great weekend with some old faces. It was good to remember some of the good times I had with my biker friends. They were always there for me, never judged me, just helped me where they could. To be fair they are the only peer group I had that I didn't blag or borrow money from. I dread to think how much money I've "borrowed" over the years. Always full of promises regarding repayment, never actually making repayment. The shame I feel over this and other misdemeanours I perpetrated threaten to overwhelm me from time to time. This generally brings on an anxiety attack, these I deal with using distraction / breathing techniques. 

Thinking about past wrongs reminds me of the time my mother made me rob a postman. At this time my mum was committing a fair amount of credit card crime. One morning she woke me an out 4am. "I want you to steal a postman's post bag, if you don't I'm going too". Well like the dutiful son I did indeed steal a postman sack....I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere. I legged it sack in hand back to mums car and off we went. Like fools we took everything back home, criminal masterminds we weren't. I found 3 giros and my mum found a couple of credit cards. The girl I cashed that morning, in the same post office one after the other. I remember one of them was for a Mr Sirrocco,  the others I forget. By the time I walked home the police were already on there way to us. A paper boy had seen me getting in the car and had remembered my mums number plate. It's like some surreal dark comedy when I think back. The police banging the door, attempting to get in. My mum trying to stuff 3/400 letters down the toilet. I was flapping about hiding the giro money. I took the blame as I didn't want my mum in trouble. I was looking at prison time for that one, however at the last moment my mum stood up in court and explained everything regarding her cohersing me into the crime. With that taken into consideration I only received a fine and 2 years probation. Just as well as 20 years later I would be working in a prison. A tale for another day.

Ciao for now.

Hello,

A bit of current news today, I'm visiting some old faces. Fortunately one of the few healthy relationships I have. Was my daughters birthday yesterday and a good time was had by her. She is a bit to smart for her age, better keep an eye on that one. Might have to see my mum today, as always a bit apprehensive about this. Well there's always a mixture of emotions there, resentment, love and sadness. Although my mum doesn't use any more there are some other behaviours that are quite destructive. And as always brings back thoughts of drugs for me. For years I used to say I don't blame my mum but as I get older I find actually I kinda do. Don't get me wrong I understand the reasons things went pear shaped and really it wasn't her fault, she is just another messed up head.

Anyway I'll explain more about my mum later on in my blog.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Where was I, ah yes I was sinking into a daily routine of getting as smashed as possible, by 19 I was completely hooked on Heroin. Slowly but surely I lost my values, became more and more willing to lie, cheat and steal just to get my daily £10 fix of Smack. I was running out of veins to use and began to use my feet, neck, chest, legs. I even injected into my penis, that was a mistake it went black and didn't work for 6 weeks. Ouchy.

By this time my mother and I started to drift apart, her take was that amphetamine was a completely different ball game to Heroin. Somehow in her head it was ok to do speed but not ok to do Smack. I came to realise that an addiction is an addiction regardless of the substance/activity. I remember my mum telling me that if I cycled to her house every morning she would give me a large hit of speed to help me avoid doing Heroin. Well do you know what it worked, I didn't use Heroin for nearly a year, however I was completely dependant on speed and special brew. I just traded one addiction for another. I soon needed a little something to take the edge off and told myself "once will be ok, I won't be ill if I just have one bag". Well as all addicts know, once isn't an option, I was soon flat out on the gear again. The lengths I would go to, just to get £10 pounds and then score a bag. Many a time I would walk miles to borrow money and miles to score. How life was different before mobile phones. I used to regularly score from a New Age traveller site, it was a case of walking miles turning up and hoping for the best. It was around this time my best friend died. A mix of strong heroin, Temazepam and ignorance. His girlfriend watched as he convulsed and sweated, dutifully mopping his brow. "He'll be ok by the morning" she told herself. Sadly he was cold and dead by the morning and she woke up next to his corpse. RIP Martin I remember you regularly, although not as often as I once did.

Anyway I think that will do for today.

Hello,

Here's a brief history of me the Heroin Addict.

I first used used drugs when I was 14. A bit of pot here, a bit of acid there, I had some great times. If only I knew then what I know now, hindsight is indeed a wonderful but infuriating thing. By 15 my parents had divorced and my mum joined the party. We took many acid trips together, amphetamine and ecstasy were regular visitors to our house. Before we knew what was happening we were injecting Amphetamine together daily. My mum took this to a whole new level and became heavily dependent on speed. She would disappear for days at a time leaving me and my younger sister to fend for ourselves. We became homeless and lived in bed and breakfast for 18 months. Strangely though they were a good 18 months. I fell in love with a married older woman who's husband was in prison. She also lived in the B&B with her young son. We spent as much time together as we could manage. I even moved in with her for a time. This wasn't to be as she soon became fed up with my lifestyle, the drugs and lack of responsibility I displayed. Shame because the Sex was amazing.

It was about this time I started Dabbling with downers, Temazepam, Valium anything I could get my hands on. Every day of my life became dedicated to getting as messed up as I could. I lost many a day to Benzodiazepines, Alcohol, Cannabis and eventually Heroin. Anything I could inject went into a needle. I soon became dependant on Heroin. How different life could have been for me if I had had someone to tell me just how destructive drugs can be. Even as I sunk further and further into addiction I still didn't quite grasp the implications of using. Perhaps this isn't going to be as brief a history as I thought. Part 2 tomorrow.

Peace and best wishes to all X