Hello,
I've decided to knock my blog on the head. I feel a responsibility to blog everyday but I havent got the motivation. So in the interest of fairness and appropriate emdings I bid you all farewell.
Its been an interesting ride,
Blogging my life,
It has helped me through troubles,
I've started to build from the rubble.
Thank you for reading,
Receiving support i was needing,
Although my journey has just begun,
Its best if this blogging be done.
Abstinence is my goal,
Even though my ex-wife left a hole.
Today i'm confident and strong,
Will remain vigilant in case i am wrong.
My final little ditty lol.
Ciao for now
#goodbye #addiction #relapse #heroin #rehab #treatment #counselling #abuse #PTSD #anxiety #depression
Friday 22 April 2016
Saturday 16 April 2016
Hello,
Good times today, I've got the kids for the weekend. Its stopped raining and everyone seems happy. Think a trip to the park is in order and some nice sofa cuddles and movies. Well as it turns out we found a massive park just round the corner from my mums. Lots of playing then home to make a tasty bolognese for dinner. I love my children so much, seeing them red faced and running about smiling really does lift my spirits. Its the simple things that really matter. Its so strange being back in my old manor. My daughter Freya is somehow doing musicly video's why playing in the park. They are pretty cool too.
Laughing smiling, happy children.
Flushed with fresh air and play.
Sliding, swinging in a big green garden.
Running, catching the sun ray by ray.
How quickly they make friends.
Lost to adults this skill.
Not to meet any ends.
Just for pure pleasure and thrills.
Ciao for now
Good times today, I've got the kids for the weekend. Its stopped raining and everyone seems happy. Think a trip to the park is in order and some nice sofa cuddles and movies. Well as it turns out we found a massive park just round the corner from my mums. Lots of playing then home to make a tasty bolognese for dinner. I love my children so much, seeing them red faced and running about smiling really does lift my spirits. Its the simple things that really matter. Its so strange being back in my old manor. My daughter Freya is somehow doing musicly video's why playing in the park. They are pretty cool too.
Laughing smiling, happy children.
Flushed with fresh air and play.
Sliding, swinging in a big green garden.
Running, catching the sun ray by ray.
How quickly they make friends.
Lost to adults this skill.
Not to meet any ends.
Just for pure pleasure and thrills.
Ciao for now
Friday 15 April 2016
Hello,
Today I became fully engaged with the local services. "Inclusion" a very apt name it would seem. Following my initial assessment on Monday I was seen today by my prescribing dr, whilst GP can prescribe Naltrexone a service has to prescribe longterm. The Dr I saw to day was a psychiatrist. He actually asked for a full history, recommended counselling straight away, groups he felt would suit my stage of recovery. He was very interested in the link between my abuse and the Chronic Anxiety, which has ultimately led to a life of self medication. Now I know counselling is actually available and not just mentioned occasionally, I feel I may at last be able to deal with the trauma if the abuse. It actually felt like I was receiving very professional treatment and service. What an absolute breath of fresh air, I feel a fresh glimmer of hope. What this does highlight for me is the stark contrast in services. My last area statistally had the highest amount of Opiate Dependants per Sq mile in the country at some point in the last 5 years. I wonder if there is a correlation here. Ultimately it'll boil down to funding and simply this area is clearly better funded.
On a related note the Nepalese drug of choice is Heroin/Opiates. There are high numbers of Nepalese in services. I wonder if this is a problem that cane with them. Possible I suppose taking into account Nepals geographical location, closer to source as it were.
Ciao for now
#opiate #heroin #addiction #blog #nepalese #drugtreatment #dependancy
Today I became fully engaged with the local services. "Inclusion" a very apt name it would seem. Following my initial assessment on Monday I was seen today by my prescribing dr, whilst GP can prescribe Naltrexone a service has to prescribe longterm. The Dr I saw to day was a psychiatrist. He actually asked for a full history, recommended counselling straight away, groups he felt would suit my stage of recovery. He was very interested in the link between my abuse and the Chronic Anxiety, which has ultimately led to a life of self medication. Now I know counselling is actually available and not just mentioned occasionally, I feel I may at last be able to deal with the trauma if the abuse. It actually felt like I was receiving very professional treatment and service. What an absolute breath of fresh air, I feel a fresh glimmer of hope. What this does highlight for me is the stark contrast in services. My last area statistally had the highest amount of Opiate Dependants per Sq mile in the country at some point in the last 5 years. I wonder if there is a correlation here. Ultimately it'll boil down to funding and simply this area is clearly better funded.
On a related note the Nepalese drug of choice is Heroin/Opiates. There are high numbers of Nepalese in services. I wonder if this is a problem that cane with them. Possible I suppose taking into account Nepals geographical location, closer to source as it were.
Ciao for now
#opiate #heroin #addiction #blog #nepalese #drugtreatment #dependancy
Wednesday 13 April 2016
Hello,
I thought I would share with my mum the abuse that happened when I was 8. I was tactful and asked if she would like to know what happened to me when I was 8, I got exactly the same response as I got from my exwife. Not wanting to know. Funny how things go, the 2 people i expected unconditional Love and support from didnt provide it. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from folk, I must remember that I haven't exactly provided them with much support over the last 5 years. I am however getting support from services, the new agency seems to have a lot more resources. I have only had 1 appt so far and counselling has been offered. Unable to attend some of the groups as my sibling and spouse go to them. Overall though I feel I'm able to move forward again. Its been a stagnant time for sure.
On another positive my kids are throughly enjoying their new school still, long may it continue. I've also had the opportunity to play some xbox one on my youngest sisters machine. What a great peice of kit. Probably should put getting one way down on my priority list but I love it. Its therapeutic and a fantastic distraction when feeling vulnerable, good for the sleepless times too. Theres only so much writing one cam do in a sitting.
There was a kidult from england,
Who found preventing relapse quite bland,
A game here and there did distract,
Its become quite a tool thats a fact,
Xbox is by far the best,
If I had one i'd give the poetry a rest.
Providing hours of non toxic fun,
Perhaps Microsoft could donate one.
Ciao for now
#relapseprevention #heroin #blog #xbox #support #abstinence #addiction #treatment #abuse #PTSD
I thought I would share with my mum the abuse that happened when I was 8. I was tactful and asked if she would like to know what happened to me when I was 8, I got exactly the same response as I got from my exwife. Not wanting to know. Funny how things go, the 2 people i expected unconditional Love and support from didnt provide it. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from folk, I must remember that I haven't exactly provided them with much support over the last 5 years. I am however getting support from services, the new agency seems to have a lot more resources. I have only had 1 appt so far and counselling has been offered. Unable to attend some of the groups as my sibling and spouse go to them. Overall though I feel I'm able to move forward again. Its been a stagnant time for sure.
On another positive my kids are throughly enjoying their new school still, long may it continue. I've also had the opportunity to play some xbox one on my youngest sisters machine. What a great peice of kit. Probably should put getting one way down on my priority list but I love it. Its therapeutic and a fantastic distraction when feeling vulnerable, good for the sleepless times too. Theres only so much writing one cam do in a sitting.
There was a kidult from england,
Who found preventing relapse quite bland,
A game here and there did distract,
Its become quite a tool thats a fact,
Xbox is by far the best,
If I had one i'd give the poetry a rest.
Providing hours of non toxic fun,
Perhaps Microsoft could donate one.
Ciao for now
#relapseprevention #heroin #blog #xbox #support #abstinence #addiction #treatment #abuse #PTSD
Sunday 10 April 2016
Hello,
Well I've settled in ok at my mums. It was mice to have the kids stay with me overnight. There was lots of changing beds and shuffling about and stuff. Still it was nice. My daughter is finding it hardest, she misses me desperately as do i them. My son doesnt show his emotions so openly but the many squeezy cuddles tell me he's also missing me a lot. Its heartbreaking when I have to day goodbye.
If only i could bottle this misery and situation, give people a day of it, just 24 hours. It would deter a lot of people from making poor choices.
Experience the life, just for a day.
Friends and family fade away.
Teach them young, make them aware.
For if you use, this is how you'll fare.
Learn from others, living in pain.
See all they've lost and ne'er a gain.
Understand all this in a snapshot.
For if you ignore, that will be your lot.
Ciao for now
Well I've settled in ok at my mums. It was mice to have the kids stay with me overnight. There was lots of changing beds and shuffling about and stuff. Still it was nice. My daughter is finding it hardest, she misses me desperately as do i them. My son doesnt show his emotions so openly but the many squeezy cuddles tell me he's also missing me a lot. Its heartbreaking when I have to day goodbye.
If only i could bottle this misery and situation, give people a day of it, just 24 hours. It would deter a lot of people from making poor choices.
Experience the life, just for a day.
Friends and family fade away.
Teach them young, make them aware.
For if you use, this is how you'll fare.
Learn from others, living in pain.
See all they've lost and ne'er a gain.
Understand all this in a snapshot.
For if you ignore, that will be your lot.
Ciao for now
Saturday 9 April 2016
Hello,
Well todays the day, I'm going to move back in with my mum. Will still be on a sofa but from time to time I can use a bed. If nothing else it will be nice to be able to provide her with some care at last. As previously mentioned my mum was a facilitator of my first drug experiences but is now completely drug free and elderly. My sister who is 22 now has been basically caring for our mum by herself, ai lived 160 miles away so I wasnt able to provide any real support. Its my turn now, my other sister is still very much in the throes of addiction and is unable to help all. Being severely bipolar she isnt really up to much, her meds dont leave her with much thinking power. I had some good news regarding my most important friend yesterday, his career is going from strength to strength. He may well be moving across the pond in the near future. In the midst of all my misery and woes there are still some bright lights that lift my spirits. On another positive the kids are helping me move to their nans today and are going to spend my first night with me. I forsee lots if cuddles and a movie, preceeded by a nice long walk around my old stomping ground. I have so much to show them, it will be great to spend some quality time together. I'll even cook them any dinner they choose, assuming they can agree in it without world war 3 ensuing. We can also talk about Monday its the first day in their new school, I can help ease their fears and I look forward to seeing them walk through the gates on the first day. The new uniforms are pretty cool.
Recovery is still going strong, long may it last.
Ciao for now
#addiction #recovery #moving #parenting #treatment #methadone #relocation #rehab #bloodyhashtag
Well todays the day, I'm going to move back in with my mum. Will still be on a sofa but from time to time I can use a bed. If nothing else it will be nice to be able to provide her with some care at last. As previously mentioned my mum was a facilitator of my first drug experiences but is now completely drug free and elderly. My sister who is 22 now has been basically caring for our mum by herself, ai lived 160 miles away so I wasnt able to provide any real support. Its my turn now, my other sister is still very much in the throes of addiction and is unable to help all. Being severely bipolar she isnt really up to much, her meds dont leave her with much thinking power. I had some good news regarding my most important friend yesterday, his career is going from strength to strength. He may well be moving across the pond in the near future. In the midst of all my misery and woes there are still some bright lights that lift my spirits. On another positive the kids are helping me move to their nans today and are going to spend my first night with me. I forsee lots if cuddles and a movie, preceeded by a nice long walk around my old stomping ground. I have so much to show them, it will be great to spend some quality time together. I'll even cook them any dinner they choose, assuming they can agree in it without world war 3 ensuing. We can also talk about Monday its the first day in their new school, I can help ease their fears and I look forward to seeing them walk through the gates on the first day. The new uniforms are pretty cool.
Recovery is still going strong, long may it last.
Ciao for now
#addiction #recovery #moving #parenting #treatment #methadone #relocation #rehab #bloodyhashtag
Tuesday 5 April 2016
Hello,
That was an interesting night, full of back pain and leg twitches. Soafing loafing when middle aged is an indurance sport. See how long I can take it before I have too seek an alternative sofa. Perhaps a change in discomfort will make it more interesting. On a positive note its my sons 10th birthday today and we are spending some time together. He got an Xbox one off his mum and grandma, he is over the moon. Unfortunately the updating process is taking quite some time, he's chomping at the bit. Patience is a virtue but not when you are 10 lol. Well off for a haircut and perhaps the 3gb update will be done by the time we finish. Its a lovely machine though, connected to the max. I can't believe my son has his own console and live account now. How time flies, before I know it they'll both be "all growed up". So far so good, they are both good kids, as biased as I am tis still true. Well at least for today I am safe and sound. The everpresent fear of relapse at this tumultuous time is wearing thin. Isn't life supposed to be amazing when in recovery, saying that if all the other areas of my life were sorted I suspect life would seem better. Must keep my chin up, my predilection for Doom and Gloom is risky, I must be mindful and positive.
Have a great day one and all.
Ciao for now
#relapse #addiction #birthday #blog #depression #heroin #methadone #treatment #rehab #hashtag
That was an interesting night, full of back pain and leg twitches. Soafing loafing when middle aged is an indurance sport. See how long I can take it before I have too seek an alternative sofa. Perhaps a change in discomfort will make it more interesting. On a positive note its my sons 10th birthday today and we are spending some time together. He got an Xbox one off his mum and grandma, he is over the moon. Unfortunately the updating process is taking quite some time, he's chomping at the bit. Patience is a virtue but not when you are 10 lol. Well off for a haircut and perhaps the 3gb update will be done by the time we finish. Its a lovely machine though, connected to the max. I can't believe my son has his own console and live account now. How time flies, before I know it they'll both be "all growed up". So far so good, they are both good kids, as biased as I am tis still true. Well at least for today I am safe and sound. The everpresent fear of relapse at this tumultuous time is wearing thin. Isn't life supposed to be amazing when in recovery, saying that if all the other areas of my life were sorted I suspect life would seem better. Must keep my chin up, my predilection for Doom and Gloom is risky, I must be mindful and positive.
Have a great day one and all.
Ciao for now
#relapse #addiction #birthday #blog #depression #heroin #methadone #treatment #rehab #hashtag
Sunday 3 April 2016
Hello,
Claustrophobic is the word for the day, i'm trapped by my lack of resources. Being a sunday this is highlighted even more. The friend I am staying with is on a bike run with his club, totally left to my own devices today. I have had a bath, done some washing so its not all doom and gloom. I have been talking to a couple of long term friends who drive for the local bus company. I'm thinking, I enjoy driving, chatting to everyday folk. Perhaps this is a job with some continuity for me. Its hard as I just wanted stuff my head in the sand and say "F*^k it all" but thats not an option. That road will lead ultimately lead to relapse. I'm determined to make it through the dark times, a full nights sleep would be nice but I know that will come. On a stranger note, my hometown has be taken over by nepalese folk. They seem really pleasant but are prolific, i've been told that they make up 20% of the local populace, it seems more. I think this is because they are mountain folk who like to walk so they are more visible. I have no problem with this its just a strange contrast to adjust too. Well thats me, lost and fighting.
Ciao for now.
#recovery #rockbottom #dependance #heroin #relocation
Claustrophobic is the word for the day, i'm trapped by my lack of resources. Being a sunday this is highlighted even more. The friend I am staying with is on a bike run with his club, totally left to my own devices today. I have had a bath, done some washing so its not all doom and gloom. I have been talking to a couple of long term friends who drive for the local bus company. I'm thinking, I enjoy driving, chatting to everyday folk. Perhaps this is a job with some continuity for me. Its hard as I just wanted stuff my head in the sand and say "F*^k it all" but thats not an option. That road will lead ultimately lead to relapse. I'm determined to make it through the dark times, a full nights sleep would be nice but I know that will come. On a stranger note, my hometown has be taken over by nepalese folk. They seem really pleasant but are prolific, i've been told that they make up 20% of the local populace, it seems more. I think this is because they are mountain folk who like to walk so they are more visible. I have no problem with this its just a strange contrast to adjust too. Well thats me, lost and fighting.
Ciao for now.
#recovery #rockbottom #dependance #heroin #relocation
Friday 1 April 2016
Hello,
Well homeless, skint and emotionally distraught. Somehow I am staying clean though. Stopping on a friends sofa for a bit so at least I have shelter and food. From here the surely the only way can be up. Look for work on Monday, will have to go and live with my mum shortly. Thats going to be a doozy but as yet is the only real option. Strangley leaving the house wasnt emotional at all, it was only leaving the children that was. Perhaps that is a reflection of how unhappy I truly was there. Its time to set goals, work hard(both job and book). Got to become someone my children and myself can be proud of.
Ciao for now
Well homeless, skint and emotionally distraught. Somehow I am staying clean though. Stopping on a friends sofa for a bit so at least I have shelter and food. From here the surely the only way can be up. Look for work on Monday, will have to go and live with my mum shortly. Thats going to be a doozy but as yet is the only real option. Strangley leaving the house wasnt emotional at all, it was only leaving the children that was. Perhaps that is a reflection of how unhappy I truly was there. Its time to set goals, work hard(both job and book). Got to become someone my children and myself can be proud of.
Ciao for now
Tuesday 29 March 2016
Hello,
Well this is it, the last night under the same roof as my children. For now anyway. As soon as I am able to get a suitable place I will have them over to stay as often as work / ex wife permits. I've been doing some serious thinking this last 24 hours and realise that, yes, I am being seperated from my family but in the long run I'm getting a reasonably good side of the deal. For the most part I will be getting all ths positives from the kids, fun times, trips out and sleep overs. Whilst I would be happy to be part of everything I suspect I wont be part of all the tears and misery. I understand this is a very self centered and mercenary way of looking but I need to cling on to any positives I can find right now. If I can look to the future with a brighter outlook I can actually make it through this situation unscathed.
I've made a start on a kids book I've decided to write. I'm up to chapter four and so far its pretty good, the ideas are coming thick and fast. The whole story will definitely fill a trilogy, maybe even more. The kids have even got involved, my son saw I was struggling to find a good name for a Coven Queen (obviously a powerful and dark witch). When I described her to him in detail and briefly covered her role in the story he sat thinking for a bit and said "How about Magda Blackworthy?". I was totally impressed it fits her character perfectly. The tale also has Vampires and right now I'm struggling to name their homeland. I've set the kids to task and they are having a think, it would be great for them both to have a large amount of input. After all the books will be aimed at their age group and slightly older. If anyone reading this can think of names for Witches (male and female), Vampires (again both sexes) and their homelands it would be greatly appreciated. If the book do get published and obviously thats a big if, credits to anyone making suggestions would be forthcoming and clearly named in the thank you section. Please either comment or message/email me with any suggestions, please use recoveryblog2211@gmail.com
Well i look forward to hearing from anyone. Hopefully more interaction than the whole poetry flop lol
Ciao for now
#writing #recovery #vampires #witches #magic #heroin #blog #seperation #relapseprevention #recovery
Well this is it, the last night under the same roof as my children. For now anyway. As soon as I am able to get a suitable place I will have them over to stay as often as work / ex wife permits. I've been doing some serious thinking this last 24 hours and realise that, yes, I am being seperated from my family but in the long run I'm getting a reasonably good side of the deal. For the most part I will be getting all ths positives from the kids, fun times, trips out and sleep overs. Whilst I would be happy to be part of everything I suspect I wont be part of all the tears and misery. I understand this is a very self centered and mercenary way of looking but I need to cling on to any positives I can find right now. If I can look to the future with a brighter outlook I can actually make it through this situation unscathed.
I've made a start on a kids book I've decided to write. I'm up to chapter four and so far its pretty good, the ideas are coming thick and fast. The whole story will definitely fill a trilogy, maybe even more. The kids have even got involved, my son saw I was struggling to find a good name for a Coven Queen (obviously a powerful and dark witch). When I described her to him in detail and briefly covered her role in the story he sat thinking for a bit and said "How about Magda Blackworthy?". I was totally impressed it fits her character perfectly. The tale also has Vampires and right now I'm struggling to name their homeland. I've set the kids to task and they are having a think, it would be great for them both to have a large amount of input. After all the books will be aimed at their age group and slightly older. If anyone reading this can think of names for Witches (male and female), Vampires (again both sexes) and their homelands it would be greatly appreciated. If the book do get published and obviously thats a big if, credits to anyone making suggestions would be forthcoming and clearly named in the thank you section. Please either comment or message/email me with any suggestions, please use recoveryblog2211@gmail.com
Well i look forward to hearing from anyone. Hopefully more interaction than the whole poetry flop lol
Ciao for now
#writing #recovery #vampires #witches #magic #heroin #blog #seperation #relapseprevention #recovery
Sunday 27 March 2016
Hello,
Freaking out now, a few short days till i'm solo again. I got to be honest i'm not to confident about my safety when left to my own devices. Especially as the emotional trauma will be rough. I just want to roll the clock back 5 years and not relapse. One can dream. I've fallen back into the habit of suppressing everything when it gets too much to bear. This also frightens me as that behaviour led me into addiction in the first place. I can only fight and do my best to stay free and build my life again. Perhaps once the break has been made and I've ridden the preverbial storm I can make some progress. As mentioned in an earlier blog i'm just stuck in limbo at the moment. As for health concerns i am well and truly doing the ostrich with those at the moment. Just cant deal, even though i do know that this should come first and foremost. What a mess. Thanks Leanne x
My thoughts go out to all the lost lives and families affected in Pakistan. The world is falling into madness.
Ciao for now
Freaking out now, a few short days till i'm solo again. I got to be honest i'm not to confident about my safety when left to my own devices. Especially as the emotional trauma will be rough. I just want to roll the clock back 5 years and not relapse. One can dream. I've fallen back into the habit of suppressing everything when it gets too much to bear. This also frightens me as that behaviour led me into addiction in the first place. I can only fight and do my best to stay free and build my life again. Perhaps once the break has been made and I've ridden the preverbial storm I can make some progress. As mentioned in an earlier blog i'm just stuck in limbo at the moment. As for health concerns i am well and truly doing the ostrich with those at the moment. Just cant deal, even though i do know that this should come first and foremost. What a mess. Thanks Leanne x
My thoughts go out to all the lost lives and families affected in Pakistan. The world is falling into madness.
Ciao for now
Thursday 24 March 2016
Hello,
Spending a nice evening with the kids, snuggled up watching corny old horror movies. Nothing too scary just corny lol. I need to spend as much time as I can with them this weekend. From Wednesday we'll be living apart. I'm really scared, the thought of not seeing them everyday is is intensley daunting. Add that to the constant reminders from my ex wife that my family wasn't enough for me and I still chose drugs and alcohol. If only it was that simple, if only I could turn back the clock. Would I be able to make healthy choices if given the a do over. I like to think I would but (and its a big but), addiction is a very real, insidious beast. So many years of dependance and emotional suppression I really don't know if I would. Thats a real hard pill to swallow, knowing how broken I truly am. If it was as simple as making healthy choices for loved ones and positive reasons I guess there wouldnt be such a small percentage of people who make permanent change and beat addiction. Unfortunately the majority of people I know don't seem to grasp this concept. The rumour mill has also been running its course as lots of other parents at the school have been throwing me filthy looks or blatantly blanking me. As wednesday approaches panic is surfacing, my old friend anxiety is making an appearance. I suspect I'm due for a meltdown, if I can just keep myself safe perhaps I can ride the storm and get back to a productive healthy life. I'm still waiting for test results but in all honesty am burying my head in the sand at the moment. I just cant deal with that too. Well back to the kids and another movie.
Ciao for now
Spending a nice evening with the kids, snuggled up watching corny old horror movies. Nothing too scary just corny lol. I need to spend as much time as I can with them this weekend. From Wednesday we'll be living apart. I'm really scared, the thought of not seeing them everyday is is intensley daunting. Add that to the constant reminders from my ex wife that my family wasn't enough for me and I still chose drugs and alcohol. If only it was that simple, if only I could turn back the clock. Would I be able to make healthy choices if given the a do over. I like to think I would but (and its a big but), addiction is a very real, insidious beast. So many years of dependance and emotional suppression I really don't know if I would. Thats a real hard pill to swallow, knowing how broken I truly am. If it was as simple as making healthy choices for loved ones and positive reasons I guess there wouldnt be such a small percentage of people who make permanent change and beat addiction. Unfortunately the majority of people I know don't seem to grasp this concept. The rumour mill has also been running its course as lots of other parents at the school have been throwing me filthy looks or blatantly blanking me. As wednesday approaches panic is surfacing, my old friend anxiety is making an appearance. I suspect I'm due for a meltdown, if I can just keep myself safe perhaps I can ride the storm and get back to a productive healthy life. I'm still waiting for test results but in all honesty am burying my head in the sand at the moment. I just cant deal with that too. Well back to the kids and another movie.
Ciao for now
Tuesday 22 March 2016
Hello,
I bumped into a dealer today, he was like a shark. Spotted me and homed straight in for the kill. I felt such immense fear it was overwhelming. The sheer cascade of emotions in those few moments were like a kaleidoscope. "I'm on he said, what do you need" to myself I thought "a bloody big hole in the ground that can swallow me up". What i actually said was "er er er nothing, I'm clean". I'm still quite amazed that I manage to quell the massive triggers and cravings the whole situation brought on. I must of seemed like a dithering idiot going into some sort of seizure. Stumbling over my word, walking away a little to quickly with uncontrolled jerky movements. Even though I told him I was now clean he still carried on with normal spiel "do u want my number in case you change your mind", "are you sure its banging kit", "I can do you 3 bags for 25". Amazing that because when I was seeing him daily there were never any consessions or cheaper deals available. As I walked away, tge further I got the more the urge to turn around and say "oh go on then". This very real sense of panic and urgency came over me, all the good times flashing back to mind. Funnily enough none of the times I was ill came back to me. Sometimes our own brains can be our own worst enemy. As I sit here now I feel proud if myself for saying no. I do however expect a night of using dreams and another rough morning. Man I can't wait to be away from here and having a fresh start. New beginnings and all that.
Ciao for now
I bumped into a dealer today, he was like a shark. Spotted me and homed straight in for the kill. I felt such immense fear it was overwhelming. The sheer cascade of emotions in those few moments were like a kaleidoscope. "I'm on he said, what do you need" to myself I thought "a bloody big hole in the ground that can swallow me up". What i actually said was "er er er nothing, I'm clean". I'm still quite amazed that I manage to quell the massive triggers and cravings the whole situation brought on. I must of seemed like a dithering idiot going into some sort of seizure. Stumbling over my word, walking away a little to quickly with uncontrolled jerky movements. Even though I told him I was now clean he still carried on with normal spiel "do u want my number in case you change your mind", "are you sure its banging kit", "I can do you 3 bags for 25". Amazing that because when I was seeing him daily there were never any consessions or cheaper deals available. As I walked away, tge further I got the more the urge to turn around and say "oh go on then". This very real sense of panic and urgency came over me, all the good times flashing back to mind. Funnily enough none of the times I was ill came back to me. Sometimes our own brains can be our own worst enemy. As I sit here now I feel proud if myself for saying no. I do however expect a night of using dreams and another rough morning. Man I can't wait to be away from here and having a fresh start. New beginnings and all that.
Ciao for now
Sunday 20 March 2016
Hello,
24 hours in and I may have to do away with my ex mother in law. Incessant chatter when I'm not really very talkative at the mo. Not sure about every one else but it seems to me that in laws/grand parents etc, seem to think they know whats best for every one elses life. I've been firmly told today exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing with my life and the house. Ahhhhh its driving me insane. Granted I may not have made the most healthy of choices up until now but I am 43 and have so far survived. Perhaps my tolerance has lessened now that my relationship with her daughter is over. Its a shame I wasn't consulted when my ex arranged for her to come down for our last 10 days in the house. As predicted I am being wasteful as I'm not keeping everything that belongs to me/us. Never mind the fact I have no storage or any way of moving a large amount of stuff. Again it feels like I am spouting pure negativity but at the moment there doesn't seem to be a lot of positives going on. I must remember its only 10 days and I'm sure once I'm on my own I would be glad of the company, even if it is eccentric company provided by a frosty ex and a mad little irish lady. Once again thought spring unbidden to mind, perhaps I could just have a little go. Frenzied distraction has been replaced by a long slow arduous torture. All this being said, I remain safe and am being polite. Fortunately I have never been very direct and I'm sure that wouldn't go down too well in the current situation. I will report more shenanigans tomorrow upon my return from Hospital.
Ciao for now.
24 hours in and I may have to do away with my ex mother in law. Incessant chatter when I'm not really very talkative at the mo. Not sure about every one else but it seems to me that in laws/grand parents etc, seem to think they know whats best for every one elses life. I've been firmly told today exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing with my life and the house. Ahhhhh its driving me insane. Granted I may not have made the most healthy of choices up until now but I am 43 and have so far survived. Perhaps my tolerance has lessened now that my relationship with her daughter is over. Its a shame I wasn't consulted when my ex arranged for her to come down for our last 10 days in the house. As predicted I am being wasteful as I'm not keeping everything that belongs to me/us. Never mind the fact I have no storage or any way of moving a large amount of stuff. Again it feels like I am spouting pure negativity but at the moment there doesn't seem to be a lot of positives going on. I must remember its only 10 days and I'm sure once I'm on my own I would be glad of the company, even if it is eccentric company provided by a frosty ex and a mad little irish lady. Once again thought spring unbidden to mind, perhaps I could just have a little go. Frenzied distraction has been replaced by a long slow arduous torture. All this being said, I remain safe and am being polite. Fortunately I have never been very direct and I'm sure that wouldn't go down too well in the current situation. I will report more shenanigans tomorrow upon my return from Hospital.
Ciao for now.
Saturday 19 March 2016
Hello,
Made good progress on the house today, nearly cleared all the junk/recyclables. All my stuff is packed. Its been a ferocious battle of distraction and triggers today. It would seem when I stop and give myself time to think the preverbial monkey starts to make his/her weight felt on my back. I must have looked like a mad man keeping myself busy with as little pause as possible. As i've said before the mind is an amazing thing and addiction is a cunning, insidious beast. I had another bout of using dreams last night so the morning wasn't a great start. This time of limbo is definitely leaving me somewhat vulnerable, however my awareness of these processes are for now keeping me safe.
Monday is fast approaching when I go for some more tests and will hopefully have some answers. I feel like its pointless thinking to far ahead at this time. However I also realise i need to have goals and a plan to keep moving forward. On a plus side I have been revisiting some of my all time favourite tunes today. Lynryd Skynryd, Guns and Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Whitesnake, Black Sabbath, Creedence Clearwater Revival its all been going off. I'm sure my neighbours will be glad to see the back of me with all the rock thats been blaring out. The music however is great for helping me maintain a frantic frenzy of distraction. So I leave you with one of my all time favourites, this one always lifts my spirits.
http://youtu.be/bleruLKFcZE
Have a good Saturday one and all.
Ciao for now.
#recovery #triggers #cravings #distraction #moving #addiction #music #rock #life #healthcare
Made good progress on the house today, nearly cleared all the junk/recyclables. All my stuff is packed. Its been a ferocious battle of distraction and triggers today. It would seem when I stop and give myself time to think the preverbial monkey starts to make his/her weight felt on my back. I must have looked like a mad man keeping myself busy with as little pause as possible. As i've said before the mind is an amazing thing and addiction is a cunning, insidious beast. I had another bout of using dreams last night so the morning wasn't a great start. This time of limbo is definitely leaving me somewhat vulnerable, however my awareness of these processes are for now keeping me safe.
Monday is fast approaching when I go for some more tests and will hopefully have some answers. I feel like its pointless thinking to far ahead at this time. However I also realise i need to have goals and a plan to keep moving forward. On a plus side I have been revisiting some of my all time favourite tunes today. Lynryd Skynryd, Guns and Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Whitesnake, Black Sabbath, Creedence Clearwater Revival its all been going off. I'm sure my neighbours will be glad to see the back of me with all the rock thats been blaring out. The music however is great for helping me maintain a frantic frenzy of distraction. So I leave you with one of my all time favourites, this one always lifts my spirits.
http://youtu.be/bleruLKFcZE
Have a good Saturday one and all.
Ciao for now.
#recovery #triggers #cravings #distraction #moving #addiction #music #rock #life #healthcare
Friday 18 March 2016
Hello,
Its weird how life goes, get into recovery, fight for freedom and life just to have a pile of shite thrown at you. Its feeling like all I post in my blog is negative stuff. All I can say is I'm really grateful for you guys still reading my blog and listening to my woes. So at the risk of repeating myself lets list the negatives.
1) Marriage is over and kids are leaving with Mum.
2) House it at risk of repossession, unless by some miracle I sell quickly.
3) Homeless when I relocate to be near kids.
4) Unemployed now and post relocation.
If those weren't enough to deal with there is now a number 5.
5) I may have throat Cancer.
I mean really how can one person be so unlucky, I have no idea how I haven't hit the prevebial F*#k it button. 2 weeks ago I was contemplating suicide, lack of sleep and pain was more than I could take. Now I have to face a barrage of tests, a potentially life threatening illness and god only knows what else. I'm a firm believer in Karma and for the life if me I can't think what I have done to deserve this. I would have thought 1-4 were Karma enough but really Cancer. My brain and emotions are done. Just when I was clearing a drawn out Methadone rattle, bang this rears its ugly head. To top it all off I can't have any decent pain management because of my history. I need some serious help from somewhere, I'm faltering with nowhere to turn. Right about now the oblivion intoxication would offer sounds appealing. However being on Naltrexone that is also off the table. A raging battle of Angel and Devil is going on in my head. Once again I'm spouting negativity, you never know I may have some real positive news one day.
Ciao for now.
#heroin #recovery #depression #health #help #cancer #methadone #lost #karma #relapse #despair
Its weird how life goes, get into recovery, fight for freedom and life just to have a pile of shite thrown at you. Its feeling like all I post in my blog is negative stuff. All I can say is I'm really grateful for you guys still reading my blog and listening to my woes. So at the risk of repeating myself lets list the negatives.
1) Marriage is over and kids are leaving with Mum.
2) House it at risk of repossession, unless by some miracle I sell quickly.
3) Homeless when I relocate to be near kids.
4) Unemployed now and post relocation.
If those weren't enough to deal with there is now a number 5.
5) I may have throat Cancer.
I mean really how can one person be so unlucky, I have no idea how I haven't hit the prevebial F*#k it button. 2 weeks ago I was contemplating suicide, lack of sleep and pain was more than I could take. Now I have to face a barrage of tests, a potentially life threatening illness and god only knows what else. I'm a firm believer in Karma and for the life if me I can't think what I have done to deserve this. I would have thought 1-4 were Karma enough but really Cancer. My brain and emotions are done. Just when I was clearing a drawn out Methadone rattle, bang this rears its ugly head. To top it all off I can't have any decent pain management because of my history. I need some serious help from somewhere, I'm faltering with nowhere to turn. Right about now the oblivion intoxication would offer sounds appealing. However being on Naltrexone that is also off the table. A raging battle of Angel and Devil is going on in my head. Once again I'm spouting negativity, you never know I may have some real positive news one day.
Ciao for now.
#heroin #recovery #depression #health #help #cancer #methadone #lost #karma #relapse #despair
Thursday 17 March 2016
Hello,
Today has been a relatively easy day, packing and clearing house. All very mundane really, just what I need a return to the normalcy of life. Can't wait to get way, especially as the ex mother in law has decided to spend the last 2 weeks here. Not really what I wanted but I wasn't consulted. Never mind, as long as she doesn't start going through the stuff I'm throwing out/recycling for her hoarding all will be well. "Well you might need it one day"... I'm pretty sure I won't. If it's in the pile it's redundant. Also I have to be ruthless as I'll be homeless for the first few weeks, don't fancy dragging to much from sofa to sofa. Gotta wait till house is sold or repossessed before I am entitled to any sort of help with accommodation. In th event I do make something on the house then I can at least find somewhere quicker. It's quite pricey in that part of the country, around 6/700 quid for one room. I'm sure it will all come good in the end though, new beginnings and all that.
Tis a funny old game, what I must ensure is that I'm able to see the munchkins and that I don't let the emotions become an excuse or trigger. It's all too easy to wallow in self pity, I must refrain from this. Perhaps services in the new area will be more available and groups more accessible. Well that's it for today, hope you all are having a good day/night.
Ciao for now
Today has been a relatively easy day, packing and clearing house. All very mundane really, just what I need a return to the normalcy of life. Can't wait to get way, especially as the ex mother in law has decided to spend the last 2 weeks here. Not really what I wanted but I wasn't consulted. Never mind, as long as she doesn't start going through the stuff I'm throwing out/recycling for her hoarding all will be well. "Well you might need it one day"... I'm pretty sure I won't. If it's in the pile it's redundant. Also I have to be ruthless as I'll be homeless for the first few weeks, don't fancy dragging to much from sofa to sofa. Gotta wait till house is sold or repossessed before I am entitled to any sort of help with accommodation. In th event I do make something on the house then I can at least find somewhere quicker. It's quite pricey in that part of the country, around 6/700 quid for one room. I'm sure it will all come good in the end though, new beginnings and all that.
Tis a funny old game, what I must ensure is that I'm able to see the munchkins and that I don't let the emotions become an excuse or trigger. It's all too easy to wallow in self pity, I must refrain from this. Perhaps services in the new area will be more available and groups more accessible. Well that's it for today, hope you all are having a good day/night.
Ciao for now
Wednesday 16 March 2016
Hello,
Well life is a veritable roller coaster, and today I made arrangements to put my house on the market. This is a last ditch attempt to avoid bankruptcy and make something of a poor situation. My ambivalence has been clearly evident around this and I did just want to walk away. I couldn't see a way out but as I have cleared the rooms and the house has become more visible in its own right, selling has seemed more possible. I've also had some good advice from a friend who said selling the house myself is always the better option. What I do know is that the longer I stay in this town the more at risk I am, I can't keep locking myself away to avoid the barrage of triggers and cravings. Unfortunately the drug scene in this lovely, quaint seaside town is rife. There are dealers on every corner and each trip out is a stark reminder of my relapse and unhealthy choices that I made. I long for a fresh start, my home town has changed a lot in the last 11 years and I am unaware of any dealers. That being said I realise if I really wanted to use I could no doubt find it but having the fresh start will strengthen my resolve. I have 14 days living with my children and then my new life begins. I can't wait to be away from here but am sad I won't see my kids every day. It's truly a double edged sword.
I am finding some comfort in writing poetry and have some good ideas for a set of kids books. If only I can't motivate myself to finish them, I'm not looking for success or wealth just stability and comfort. If the only kids that read my books are my own that would suffice. The lack of support from local services has been shocking, it would seem the complaint I put in to the Care and Quality Commision regarding the abusive practice of one of my previous employers is still biting me in the backside. It just goes to show how whistle blowing and doing the right thing may be better for the clients but can have long and far reaching ramifications for the person putting in the complaint.
Ciao for now
#relapse #loss #blog #relocation #triggers #cravings #poetry #lonely #SMART
Well life is a veritable roller coaster, and today I made arrangements to put my house on the market. This is a last ditch attempt to avoid bankruptcy and make something of a poor situation. My ambivalence has been clearly evident around this and I did just want to walk away. I couldn't see a way out but as I have cleared the rooms and the house has become more visible in its own right, selling has seemed more possible. I've also had some good advice from a friend who said selling the house myself is always the better option. What I do know is that the longer I stay in this town the more at risk I am, I can't keep locking myself away to avoid the barrage of triggers and cravings. Unfortunately the drug scene in this lovely, quaint seaside town is rife. There are dealers on every corner and each trip out is a stark reminder of my relapse and unhealthy choices that I made. I long for a fresh start, my home town has changed a lot in the last 11 years and I am unaware of any dealers. That being said I realise if I really wanted to use I could no doubt find it but having the fresh start will strengthen my resolve. I have 14 days living with my children and then my new life begins. I can't wait to be away from here but am sad I won't see my kids every day. It's truly a double edged sword.
I am finding some comfort in writing poetry and have some good ideas for a set of kids books. If only I can't motivate myself to finish them, I'm not looking for success or wealth just stability and comfort. If the only kids that read my books are my own that would suffice. The lack of support from local services has been shocking, it would seem the complaint I put in to the Care and Quality Commision regarding the abusive practice of one of my previous employers is still biting me in the backside. It just goes to show how whistle blowing and doing the right thing may be better for the clients but can have long and far reaching ramifications for the person putting in the complaint.
Ciao for now
#relapse #loss #blog #relocation #triggers #cravings #poetry #lonely #SMART
Tuesday 15 March 2016
Hello,
Apologies for the blank blog, I'm not an Adele impression just having some browser issues. ;-) I actually slept a real sleep last night, the ongoing issues and exhaustion finally led to a full shut down with actual sleep. Yep thats right actual sleep it was "Totes Amazeballs". So onwards and upwards, i intend to ride this wave of positivity for as long as possible. So with that in mind I sit in the sunshine drinking coffee and blogging. Looks like we are in for another warm bright day in good old blighty. How inconsistent the weather is these days, there are definitely big changes afoot. Not only on a personal level but also a political level. Will we stay in Europe, will we go? Will the NHS survive? Will our economy survive? What will happen to all the immigrants/refugees? The world is full of uncertainty at the moment. Sadly it wouldn't surprise me if there is some civil unrest over the next couple of years. I havent spoken to one person lately who is happy and content with our government, scary times, especially having 2 young children. What type of world will they have to face when reaching adulthood. I like the idea of self sufficiency, a small bit of land, a few chickens and a whole load of peace and quiet. Sadly the idea of this fills my kids with dread. No or limited internet access, limited TV and the big one....little or no Youtube. When i've mentioned this to the kids in the past they have looked horrified. I remember the freedom of being "disconnected". Being out with friends all day without the constant urge to look at a device. It still amazes me how everyone in the room will check their phones when a beeping noise is heard. No matter where the noise originates from. That is some pretty deep conditioning. Maybe one day I will be able to organise a more liberated type of life. I guess technology can be just as addictive as drugs and alcohol, maybe even more so as it is legal and socially acceptible. What I find saddest is how the simple things my generation took for granted and enjoyed, conversation, spending uninterrupted time and real non electrical connection are slowly being lost. Still i must remember I'm riding a positivity train today. Mustn't get bogged down with negativity and worry about things that are out of my control. Just for today, I'll enjoy the sun and take a walk on the beach while I still live near the Sea. I shall stay light, bright and fight the good fight.
"Strength and grace hold my hand,
With hope and faith I walk this land,
The warmth of the sun kisses my face,
The gentle breeze holds my embrace.
My swirling thoughts like day and night,
Like stars upon nights face so bright,
I feel a smile lift my soul,
Just for today I avoid the dark hole"
Ciao for now.
Apologies for the blank blog, I'm not an Adele impression just having some browser issues. ;-) I actually slept a real sleep last night, the ongoing issues and exhaustion finally led to a full shut down with actual sleep. Yep thats right actual sleep it was "Totes Amazeballs". So onwards and upwards, i intend to ride this wave of positivity for as long as possible. So with that in mind I sit in the sunshine drinking coffee and blogging. Looks like we are in for another warm bright day in good old blighty. How inconsistent the weather is these days, there are definitely big changes afoot. Not only on a personal level but also a political level. Will we stay in Europe, will we go? Will the NHS survive? Will our economy survive? What will happen to all the immigrants/refugees? The world is full of uncertainty at the moment. Sadly it wouldn't surprise me if there is some civil unrest over the next couple of years. I havent spoken to one person lately who is happy and content with our government, scary times, especially having 2 young children. What type of world will they have to face when reaching adulthood. I like the idea of self sufficiency, a small bit of land, a few chickens and a whole load of peace and quiet. Sadly the idea of this fills my kids with dread. No or limited internet access, limited TV and the big one....little or no Youtube. When i've mentioned this to the kids in the past they have looked horrified. I remember the freedom of being "disconnected". Being out with friends all day without the constant urge to look at a device. It still amazes me how everyone in the room will check their phones when a beeping noise is heard. No matter where the noise originates from. That is some pretty deep conditioning. Maybe one day I will be able to organise a more liberated type of life. I guess technology can be just as addictive as drugs and alcohol, maybe even more so as it is legal and socially acceptible. What I find saddest is how the simple things my generation took for granted and enjoyed, conversation, spending uninterrupted time and real non electrical connection are slowly being lost. Still i must remember I'm riding a positivity train today. Mustn't get bogged down with negativity and worry about things that are out of my control. Just for today, I'll enjoy the sun and take a walk on the beach while I still live near the Sea. I shall stay light, bright and fight the good fight.
"Strength and grace hold my hand,
With hope and faith I walk this land,
The warmth of the sun kisses my face,
The gentle breeze holds my embrace.
My swirling thoughts like day and night,
Like stars upon nights face so bright,
I feel a smile lift my soul,
Just for today I avoid the dark hole"
Ciao for now.
Monday 14 March 2016
Hello,
Well i made it through the weekend without slipping. I'll be honest it was a close run thing though. I very much tortured myself, didn't use distraction techniques and subsequently rode the waves of triggers and cravings. It still amazes me how a thought process can lead to actual physical cravings. In fact it was more like intense withdrawal, not my favourite place to be. I have had some news though, it would seem that the 31st of this month is the time for moving out and moving away. I will be reliant on friends generosity and their sofa's to begin with but I'm sure something will work itself out. The one thing that is certain is how much I need to be away from this town.
On another more positive note I will have the opportunity to provide my mother with care. As it stands my younger sister has had to bear the weight of this responsibility for a decadeby herself. Don't get me wrong she has done a fantastic job but she is young. A young woman of her age could be planning for the future, building relationship with her partner and generally live without to many heavy responsibilities. Although my relationship with my mum is somewhat strained and broken, the prospect of building a better relationship and providing care for my mum fills me with hope. So big changes are a foot. Also having lots to do in the house and with all the other arrangements to be made I will have a distraction that i must follow. Certainly helps tame the monkey for the next 2 weeks.
Kind regards to one and all, a big thanks to Leanne. X
Ciao for now
Well i made it through the weekend without slipping. I'll be honest it was a close run thing though. I very much tortured myself, didn't use distraction techniques and subsequently rode the waves of triggers and cravings. It still amazes me how a thought process can lead to actual physical cravings. In fact it was more like intense withdrawal, not my favourite place to be. I have had some news though, it would seem that the 31st of this month is the time for moving out and moving away. I will be reliant on friends generosity and their sofa's to begin with but I'm sure something will work itself out. The one thing that is certain is how much I need to be away from this town.
On another more positive note I will have the opportunity to provide my mother with care. As it stands my younger sister has had to bear the weight of this responsibility for a decadeby herself. Don't get me wrong she has done a fantastic job but she is young. A young woman of her age could be planning for the future, building relationship with her partner and generally live without to many heavy responsibilities. Although my relationship with my mum is somewhat strained and broken, the prospect of building a better relationship and providing care for my mum fills me with hope. So big changes are a foot. Also having lots to do in the house and with all the other arrangements to be made I will have a distraction that i must follow. Certainly helps tame the monkey for the next 2 weeks.
Kind regards to one and all, a big thanks to Leanne. X
Ciao for now
Friday 11 March 2016
Hello,
Following yesterday's journey into triggers and cravings it would seem insomnia has returned. Returned with a vengeance too, the brain is a powerful thing. Leg cramps, pacing the whole nine yards. Dawn is here and I can again pretend to be normal with other people around. I only hope tonight is better, not sure I'm ready for long term insomnia again. Or perhaps the sleep I did get recharged my batteries and boom it's back to waking nights. I know I feel ratty and tired right now and yes upon occasion last night when I most uncomfortable I wanted to use to gain some relief. It's like my subconscious lulled me into a falls sense of security them bam hit me where it hurts. Must remain strong, drugs aren't the answer. Yes I may feel better and get some good sleep but it would only lead to more misery and many more of these nights. This must never be the answer for me again, not sure I would have the strength to get clear of it next time.
There have been many times over the years where this unique type of torture has lead to using. Typically this must be the worst sensations and uncomfortable physical feelings a recovering addict will have to endure. I have no doubt in my mind it's one of the reasons only a few make long term change. Sadly it's a road we all have to travel to get to better, happier and freerer times. Well here's to a better day and a better subsequent night.
Ciao for now
#triggers #cravings #withdrawal #insominia #addiction #relapse #recovery
Following yesterday's journey into triggers and cravings it would seem insomnia has returned. Returned with a vengeance too, the brain is a powerful thing. Leg cramps, pacing the whole nine yards. Dawn is here and I can again pretend to be normal with other people around. I only hope tonight is better, not sure I'm ready for long term insomnia again. Or perhaps the sleep I did get recharged my batteries and boom it's back to waking nights. I know I feel ratty and tired right now and yes upon occasion last night when I most uncomfortable I wanted to use to gain some relief. It's like my subconscious lulled me into a falls sense of security them bam hit me where it hurts. Must remain strong, drugs aren't the answer. Yes I may feel better and get some good sleep but it would only lead to more misery and many more of these nights. This must never be the answer for me again, not sure I would have the strength to get clear of it next time.
There have been many times over the years where this unique type of torture has lead to using. Typically this must be the worst sensations and uncomfortable physical feelings a recovering addict will have to endure. I have no doubt in my mind it's one of the reasons only a few make long term change. Sadly it's a road we all have to travel to get to better, happier and freerer times. Well here's to a better day and a better subsequent night.
Ciao for now
#triggers #cravings #withdrawal #insominia #addiction #relapse #recovery
Hello,
Things have been going well, however today I have the proverbial monkey on my back. Struggling today, probably a good job I have no money or transport. Makes it easier to avoid the rolling waves of craving. Just need to focus on my recovery and what I do have. Not what I'm losing, there's no progress to be had in that thought process. I wonder how long this one will last, hopefully just a couple of hours and if I can really distract myself the better.
I was naive to think that I was nearly over it, 29 years of substance misuse isn't going to go away over 4-5 weeks. Oh well another rough night ahead, at least I have caught up on some sleep. That means I shouldn't be too low if up all night. Time to write, a book, a poem whatever piques my interest. I might write a book I have had the idea for for over 10 years. Perhaps I can motivate
my self to get on with it. I've always liked fantasy and this book is off that ilk. Sword, sorcery and lots of other goodies. I need to do something to occupy myself too avoid this damned monkey.
Ciao for now
Things have been going well, however today I have the proverbial monkey on my back. Struggling today, probably a good job I have no money or transport. Makes it easier to avoid the rolling waves of craving. Just need to focus on my recovery and what I do have. Not what I'm losing, there's no progress to be had in that thought process. I wonder how long this one will last, hopefully just a couple of hours and if I can really distract myself the better.
I was naive to think that I was nearly over it, 29 years of substance misuse isn't going to go away over 4-5 weeks. Oh well another rough night ahead, at least I have caught up on some sleep. That means I shouldn't be too low if up all night. Time to write, a book, a poem whatever piques my interest. I might write a book I have had the idea for for over 10 years. Perhaps I can motivate
my self to get on with it. I've always liked fantasy and this book is off that ilk. Sword, sorcery and lots of other goodies. I need to do something to occupy myself too avoid this damned monkey.
Ciao for now
Thursday 10 March 2016
Hello,
Another poem, I'm finding this quite therapeutic writing these. Even though the ever present sad nature.
Another poem, I'm finding this quite therapeutic writing these. Even though the ever present sad nature.
Goodbye,
Now my love our time has passed,
Our beating hearts made of glass,
We’ve travelled our road for many a mile,
Long ago your face shone with smile.
A touch or glance quickened our hearts,
In the mists of life our unity did part,
A passion, a heat began to wane,
Life's routine took over again and again,
A forgotten fire became mum and dad,
An obscured love increasingly sad,
Responsibilities veil became our truth,
As we led our babies towards their youth.
You leave a void that will never fill,
My screaming heart so hoarse and shrill,
Your warmth and touch forever lost,
Our roles and choices bear such a cost,
Now my love our road does fork,
New paths and roads we must walk,
Forevermore I’ll dream of your face,
Your wonder, beauty and feminine grace.
A bond of life eternal we share,
As hands caress our shared loves hair,
A girl, a boy will blossom and grow,
Allowing our love to always flow.
Our children's roads will feed our souls,
Offering small shelter from these gaping holes,
For you I will always yearn,
The torch I hold will always burn.
Now my love we must say goodbye,
Unbidden, tears return to my eyes,
True happiness, one day you will surely find,
An eternal place you’ll hold in my heart and mind.
Mike Shaw 2016
Ciao for now
Hello,
I actually slept a full night last night, 'twas heaven. It's good to know I'm coming through the other side. It's certainly been long enough. Had some good feedback about my poem, thanks everyone who +1'd and a special thanks to Leanne. I thought about writing some more, just struggling to pick a topic or idea. I want to lean away from negativity, that being said perhaps it's the emotion which leads to good work.
I'm open to suggestions.
Perhaps it's impossible to write poetry for someone else idea but I'll give it a bloody good go. There are lots of topics that are current in the world right now. This could be fun, it could also be a complete wash out but it's gotta be worth a try right? Please feel free to message me with any ideas.
Ciao for now
I actually slept a full night last night, 'twas heaven. It's good to know I'm coming through the other side. It's certainly been long enough. Had some good feedback about my poem, thanks everyone who +1'd and a special thanks to Leanne. I thought about writing some more, just struggling to pick a topic or idea. I want to lean away from negativity, that being said perhaps it's the emotion which leads to good work.
I'm open to suggestions.
Perhaps it's impossible to write poetry for someone else idea but I'll give it a bloody good go. There are lots of topics that are current in the world right now. This could be fun, it could also be a complete wash out but it's gotta be worth a try right? Please feel free to message me with any ideas.
Ciao for now
Tuesday 8 March 2016
Hello,
Well since I left rehab, services have pretty much left me hanging. So much for delivering the same programme as secondary in the community. One word BULLSHIT, oh well that's up to them. It gives me time to pack up the house and make arrangements for the big changes ahead. Funny really going back to my old stomping ground but fortunately only know a few old heads. Just as well, using dreams and thoughts have started to surface. It's almost as if my subconscious knows I'm nearly out the other side and wants to tempt me back in. An insidious beast addiction, I realise I must never become complacent again. It wouldn't take much to lose it again but that's not for me, too long in the tooth for the chaos that comes with that. However what I do need is a job, fed up being skint and stuck in all the time. Sure I've had a day out but that was hard graft.
It also looks like drug and alcohol policy is changing and support will be for extreme cases only. The new policy is being snuck through without any consultation from the service users/providers etc.
Just one article that mentions the new strategy:
http://www.release.org.uk/blog/outlook-bleak-drug-policy-2016
Kind regards, stay safe.
Ciao for now
#addiction # drugpolicy #healthandsocialcare #heroin #criminalise #recovery #treatment #blog
Well since I left rehab, services have pretty much left me hanging. So much for delivering the same programme as secondary in the community. One word BULLSHIT, oh well that's up to them. It gives me time to pack up the house and make arrangements for the big changes ahead. Funny really going back to my old stomping ground but fortunately only know a few old heads. Just as well, using dreams and thoughts have started to surface. It's almost as if my subconscious knows I'm nearly out the other side and wants to tempt me back in. An insidious beast addiction, I realise I must never become complacent again. It wouldn't take much to lose it again but that's not for me, too long in the tooth for the chaos that comes with that. However what I do need is a job, fed up being skint and stuck in all the time. Sure I've had a day out but that was hard graft.
It also looks like drug and alcohol policy is changing and support will be for extreme cases only. The new policy is being snuck through without any consultation from the service users/providers etc.
Just one article that mentions the new strategy:
http://www.release.org.uk/blog/outlook-bleak-drug-policy-2016
Kind regards, stay safe.
Ciao for now
#addiction # drugpolicy #healthandsocialcare #heroin #criminalise #recovery #treatment #blog
Monday 7 March 2016
Hello,
Heavenly Triggers by Mike Shaw 2016
Sat in misery pondering my life,
What did I do to deserve such strife,
Family are leaving, once more I walk alone,
How do I remove myself from this lonesome throne.
The sense of grief for my eternal mistress,
Perhaps I could have just one more kiss,
Fall into her embrace just one last time,
Her filthy love full of tears and grime.
Beauty is lost, no more do I love the sunshine,
Could life be found in just one more line,
It's not giving in, to myself I easily lie,
It's just one time perhaps I'll give it a try.
Struck by fear and a hopeless malaise,
If this choice is made, my life will raze,
Angel and Devil whisper in my ears,
Reinforcing my ever present fears.
The Angel was strongest, today I choose light,
Perhaps my future could be bright,
I take a breath and wait for the next debate,
Hoping next time I can choose my own fate.
Ciao for now
#poem #trigger #relapse #addiction #life #spokenword #recovery #drugs #substancemisuse #hope #love #hate
Heavenly Triggers by Mike Shaw 2016
Sat in misery pondering my life,
What did I do to deserve such strife,
Family are leaving, once more I walk alone,
How do I remove myself from this lonesome throne.
The sense of grief for my eternal mistress,
Perhaps I could have just one more kiss,
Fall into her embrace just one last time,
Her filthy love full of tears and grime.
Beauty is lost, no more do I love the sunshine,
Could life be found in just one more line,
It's not giving in, to myself I easily lie,
It's just one time perhaps I'll give it a try.
Struck by fear and a hopeless malaise,
If this choice is made, my life will raze,
Angel and Devil whisper in my ears,
Reinforcing my ever present fears.
The Angel was strongest, today I choose light,
Perhaps my future could be bright,
I take a breath and wait for the next debate,
Hoping next time I can choose my own fate.
Ciao for now
#poem #trigger #relapse #addiction #life #spokenword #recovery #drugs #substancemisuse #hope #love #hate
Saturday 5 March 2016
Hello,
Well sleep has decided to become elusive again, it's like trying to catch a balloon that bounces from your fingertips. Sinking towards you over and over only to bounce back up again every time. Still I'm getting watch lots of TV shows, thankfully I have access to box sets on Sky TV. Currently working my way through Deadwood, what a great show. There is something appealing about the simplicity of the old west. All you had to do was survive, no conforming to the rat race, men were men and pansies were flowers ;-).
Things are changing daily here at the Ranch, my partner could leave at any time taking both the kids, I'm really confused and just don't know where I stand. I've decided I can't hang on her decision any more, I need to take action for myself and build my life back up. If I spend the next 6, 12 or 18 months waiting to see if she wants to reconcile, how will that benefit my self esteem and self respect? I suspect it won't. While it still hurts to think about living apart from the family it is becoming easier. I only hope I don't get caught up in single life and am able to give my children as much time as I can. My stepfather left and never saw my sister again, being her biological father this had a massive impact on her and still does to this day even though it's been nigh on 30 years. I wouldn't want to inflict that on my children, assuming they wanna spend time with me. As they are getting older friends have a taken on a more important role. I guess we will have to see how things work out. I just need some certainty, one day I'm caring for my daughter while she finishes school, the next day I'm not...confused.com.
So I think it's time for me to "ramble on, the time is now and nows the time to sing my song...."
For those celebrating mothers days have a good one.
Ciao for now
Well sleep has decided to become elusive again, it's like trying to catch a balloon that bounces from your fingertips. Sinking towards you over and over only to bounce back up again every time. Still I'm getting watch lots of TV shows, thankfully I have access to box sets on Sky TV. Currently working my way through Deadwood, what a great show. There is something appealing about the simplicity of the old west. All you had to do was survive, no conforming to the rat race, men were men and pansies were flowers ;-).
Things are changing daily here at the Ranch, my partner could leave at any time taking both the kids, I'm really confused and just don't know where I stand. I've decided I can't hang on her decision any more, I need to take action for myself and build my life back up. If I spend the next 6, 12 or 18 months waiting to see if she wants to reconcile, how will that benefit my self esteem and self respect? I suspect it won't. While it still hurts to think about living apart from the family it is becoming easier. I only hope I don't get caught up in single life and am able to give my children as much time as I can. My stepfather left and never saw my sister again, being her biological father this had a massive impact on her and still does to this day even though it's been nigh on 30 years. I wouldn't want to inflict that on my children, assuming they wanna spend time with me. As they are getting older friends have a taken on a more important role. I guess we will have to see how things work out. I just need some certainty, one day I'm caring for my daughter while she finishes school, the next day I'm not...confused.com.
So I think it's time for me to "ramble on, the time is now and nows the time to sing my song...."
For those celebrating mothers days have a good one.
Ciao for now
Morning,
Moving a friend yesterday was good, enjoyed getting out. Lovely place, picturesque setting, great to see them both again. Realise how unfit I have got though, perhaps I need to get more excercise.feel like an old man today lol. My mood I'd still low, struggling to engage with family, I know I'm pushing them away but seem unable to get my shit together. The time they leave has been moved forward and I'll be left with a rundown house to sort out. Plans have changed and my daughter doesn't want to stay here now. That's ok though they need to do what's best for them. I can see how people walk away from everything and end up on the streets with absolutely no motivation. For the first time in my life I am truly apathetic and just can't seem to muster any interest in life or mental strength. Services have been pants messing naltrexone script up and not providing any psychosocial interventions at all. 3 weeks in and no sign of the promised counselling, or indeed any real support. It's no wonder success rates in recovery are low. I can only hope this is a malaise that will pass.
Please forgive the barrage of negativity but I have to keep this blog real.
Ciao for now
Moving a friend yesterday was good, enjoyed getting out. Lovely place, picturesque setting, great to see them both again. Realise how unfit I have got though, perhaps I need to get more excercise.feel like an old man today lol. My mood I'd still low, struggling to engage with family, I know I'm pushing them away but seem unable to get my shit together. The time they leave has been moved forward and I'll be left with a rundown house to sort out. Plans have changed and my daughter doesn't want to stay here now. That's ok though they need to do what's best for them. I can see how people walk away from everything and end up on the streets with absolutely no motivation. For the first time in my life I am truly apathetic and just can't seem to muster any interest in life or mental strength. Services have been pants messing naltrexone script up and not providing any psychosocial interventions at all. 3 weeks in and no sign of the promised counselling, or indeed any real support. It's no wonder success rates in recovery are low. I can only hope this is a malaise that will pass.
Please forgive the barrage of negativity but I have to keep this blog real.
Ciao for now
Thursday 3 March 2016
Hello,
So the relationship turned violent, I at times received quite serious injury. She tipped a full wardrobe on me when I was asleep one night. Tried to chop my head of with a sword, all sorts went on. Following 3 years of dysfunction and absolutely no intimacy I was ready to leave. I had given my best to the relationship and stuck it out for as long as I could. At the time I had be reducing from a drug called Subutex (Buprenorphine). Despite the chaotic life I was doing ok, this was to be the beginning of my 8 year period of abstinence from Opiate's. I met my current wife (potentially ex), we had known each other for a while but had never spoken of our fondness for each other. Well on the first night we decided to build a life and have kids, the whole 9 yards. Crazy you might say but it worked we were happy for a good few years, until my recent period of relapse. Sure the intimacy waned as we became mum and dad worked long hours and settled into the rat race of life. However we we were always best friends and on the same wavelength. Sadly I let my own stuff become dominant again, however unknown it was a that time. Once again drugs and alcohol began to impact our lives.
I now sit here thinking, shit how does this keep happening, unfortunately I know the answer but struggle to accept it. In 3 months when my daughter finishes her school year I will be back to one room God only knows where, my son and his mum are leaving in 6 weeks so she can start her new job and life. He gets to go to a school that can really help him and his grandma will be there to help him with homework, which historically has been a battle. I suppose I must be thankful that ultimately the only person left out on the cold following my relapse will be me, maybe rightly so.
Using dreams were vivid last night, including the death of someone I care about, very strange night but at least it meant I got actual sleep. Just as well as today I help my best friend move home today. He is an inspiration to me even though he is around 15 years my junior. My only regret is that I haven't been emotionally available for him for a couple of years now due to my own stuff.
Ciao for now
So the relationship turned violent, I at times received quite serious injury. She tipped a full wardrobe on me when I was asleep one night. Tried to chop my head of with a sword, all sorts went on. Following 3 years of dysfunction and absolutely no intimacy I was ready to leave. I had given my best to the relationship and stuck it out for as long as I could. At the time I had be reducing from a drug called Subutex (Buprenorphine). Despite the chaotic life I was doing ok, this was to be the beginning of my 8 year period of abstinence from Opiate's. I met my current wife (potentially ex), we had known each other for a while but had never spoken of our fondness for each other. Well on the first night we decided to build a life and have kids, the whole 9 yards. Crazy you might say but it worked we were happy for a good few years, until my recent period of relapse. Sure the intimacy waned as we became mum and dad worked long hours and settled into the rat race of life. However we we were always best friends and on the same wavelength. Sadly I let my own stuff become dominant again, however unknown it was a that time. Once again drugs and alcohol began to impact our lives.
I now sit here thinking, shit how does this keep happening, unfortunately I know the answer but struggle to accept it. In 3 months when my daughter finishes her school year I will be back to one room God only knows where, my son and his mum are leaving in 6 weeks so she can start her new job and life. He gets to go to a school that can really help him and his grandma will be there to help him with homework, which historically has been a battle. I suppose I must be thankful that ultimately the only person left out on the cold following my relapse will be me, maybe rightly so.
Using dreams were vivid last night, including the death of someone I care about, very strange night but at least it meant I got actual sleep. Just as well as today I help my best friend move home today. He is an inspiration to me even though he is around 15 years my junior. My only regret is that I haven't been emotionally available for him for a couple of years now due to my own stuff.
Ciao for now
Tuesday 1 March 2016
Hello,
As you may have noticed I have changed the title of this blog. This is to recognise my progress in recovery and not to focus on the Heroin Addict, although he must never be forgotten. Not quite as evocative but on point all the same.
A little more of my history:
When I was 25 I had been working as a roofer for several years. We landed a large contract replacing all the Facias and soffitts on one particular estate. Over the first couple of weeks I noticed an older women watching us work a lot. I thought nothing of it until one day she approached me and asked if I wanted coffee. I gratefully accepted, from this point on she made us lovely coffee 3/4 times a day. Even when we were working way past her flat. After four weeks we were due to finish the contract, on the last day, I was taking back the cups when she suddenly kissed me, in a very deep and passionate way. Although this women was 15 years my senior I was quite taken by her. She asked if I wanted to come round one evening and I agreed. However my life being what is was, my dedication to my drug use didn't allow me the time to visit. Before I knew it 3 weeks had passed and I hadn't seen her. Walking past a local pub one Sunday lunchtime after leaving my dealers I heard my name called. Confused I stopped turned round and there she was. We had a drink and a long chat, she invited me home. I had told her everything from the off, my addiction, the fact I lived in a damp bed sit and that I didn't have anything to offer but myself. She told me that was enough, within 3 days I was living with her and her 7 year old daughter. Within a year we were married. The first 3 years were great, however alcohol soon crept into our lives. I had stopped using Heroin at this point but was maintaining with super strength lager. 4 tins every night after work. She was hitting the wine, she became increasing violent when we argued and I had to fend her off several times. By this time I was using again.....
More tomorrow, ciao for now
As you may have noticed I have changed the title of this blog. This is to recognise my progress in recovery and not to focus on the Heroin Addict, although he must never be forgotten. Not quite as evocative but on point all the same.
A little more of my history:
When I was 25 I had been working as a roofer for several years. We landed a large contract replacing all the Facias and soffitts on one particular estate. Over the first couple of weeks I noticed an older women watching us work a lot. I thought nothing of it until one day she approached me and asked if I wanted coffee. I gratefully accepted, from this point on she made us lovely coffee 3/4 times a day. Even when we were working way past her flat. After four weeks we were due to finish the contract, on the last day, I was taking back the cups when she suddenly kissed me, in a very deep and passionate way. Although this women was 15 years my senior I was quite taken by her. She asked if I wanted to come round one evening and I agreed. However my life being what is was, my dedication to my drug use didn't allow me the time to visit. Before I knew it 3 weeks had passed and I hadn't seen her. Walking past a local pub one Sunday lunchtime after leaving my dealers I heard my name called. Confused I stopped turned round and there she was. We had a drink and a long chat, she invited me home. I had told her everything from the off, my addiction, the fact I lived in a damp bed sit and that I didn't have anything to offer but myself. She told me that was enough, within 3 days I was living with her and her 7 year old daughter. Within a year we were married. The first 3 years were great, however alcohol soon crept into our lives. I had stopped using Heroin at this point but was maintaining with super strength lager. 4 tins every night after work. She was hitting the wine, she became increasing violent when we argued and I had to fend her off several times. By this time I was using again.....
More tomorrow, ciao for now
Monday 29 February 2016
Hello,
It's 2 hours from the dawn and this time of day is becoming a familiar companion. At times the long nights have been dark and harrowing but as I start to come through the worst of it they seem a little brighter. I'm averaging 2-3 hours sleep so that's an improvement. Once again I have had a message from Leanne which as always lifted my spirits. I am struggling to motivate myself during the day but have decided today to attempt a trip out on my own. I feel safe but also have a little anxiety about the social interactions I may find. I must motivate myself if I am to find employment any time soon. I suppose I'm very much caught in limbo. Stuck between exhaustion/recovery and the desire to get on and work/provide but I do heed the advice of others. Day by day, little by little. I must stay focussed on recovery and all else will fall into place. With that in mind I will take my Naltexone opiate to ensure safety in the community. Not that I feel I really need but do like the additional security.
On a lighter and more musical note I heard a cover of Simon and Garfunkels sound of silence by a rock band called the Disturbed. I was expecting screams and raw guitars but instead was surprised by this very moving song and video. Well I got goosebumps anyways. Enjoy:
http://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4
Ciao for now
It's 2 hours from the dawn and this time of day is becoming a familiar companion. At times the long nights have been dark and harrowing but as I start to come through the worst of it they seem a little brighter. I'm averaging 2-3 hours sleep so that's an improvement. Once again I have had a message from Leanne which as always lifted my spirits. I am struggling to motivate myself during the day but have decided today to attempt a trip out on my own. I feel safe but also have a little anxiety about the social interactions I may find. I must motivate myself if I am to find employment any time soon. I suppose I'm very much caught in limbo. Stuck between exhaustion/recovery and the desire to get on and work/provide but I do heed the advice of others. Day by day, little by little. I must stay focussed on recovery and all else will fall into place. With that in mind I will take my Naltexone opiate to ensure safety in the community. Not that I feel I really need but do like the additional security.
On a lighter and more musical note I heard a cover of Simon and Garfunkels sound of silence by a rock band called the Disturbed. I was expecting screams and raw guitars but instead was surprised by this very moving song and video. Well I got goosebumps anyways. Enjoy:
http://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4
Ciao for now
Hello,
I managed another 3 hours last night from 11.30-2.30, feeling really reflective this morning. I guess this is the time where I am starting to feel a little better and have to make choices and plans that will effect the rest of my life. It's a race to earn enough wages to pay 3 months mortgage. Perhaps look at some cheap transport or a train/bus pass. Need to find clothes, only have a couple of sets at the mo. I have been telling myself that doors open once a person has recovery under their belt for a time. However time is a luxury I don't have, I can do it though, need to be more positive. As I sit here typing this I hear a torrent of water coming through the kitchen ceiling, reaaaaally, that just about says it all. I really must make an effort to be more upbeat. I'm sure the few loyal readers I have are getting fed up of all the doom and gloom. I have just been real but I need to bring myself up and sort out some stuff in my life. Major responsibility in 4-5 weeks time, sole care of my daughter through the week. She is very independent but I am still the adult and need to provide whatever she needs. That being said we do have some good support and safety plans in place should the worst happen. I'm not going into this without ensuring she is safe and cared for no matter what. Being her main carer again will be very self affirming for me, build some self esteem and confidence. Real confidence that is not pretend. So much to do must use the smart approach thinking about everything at once tends to shut me down. Small steps and all that.
Much love to all.
Ciao for now
I managed another 3 hours last night from 11.30-2.30, feeling really reflective this morning. I guess this is the time where I am starting to feel a little better and have to make choices and plans that will effect the rest of my life. It's a race to earn enough wages to pay 3 months mortgage. Perhaps look at some cheap transport or a train/bus pass. Need to find clothes, only have a couple of sets at the mo. I have been telling myself that doors open once a person has recovery under their belt for a time. However time is a luxury I don't have, I can do it though, need to be more positive. As I sit here typing this I hear a torrent of water coming through the kitchen ceiling, reaaaaally, that just about says it all. I really must make an effort to be more upbeat. I'm sure the few loyal readers I have are getting fed up of all the doom and gloom. I have just been real but I need to bring myself up and sort out some stuff in my life. Major responsibility in 4-5 weeks time, sole care of my daughter through the week. She is very independent but I am still the adult and need to provide whatever she needs. That being said we do have some good support and safety plans in place should the worst happen. I'm not going into this without ensuring she is safe and cared for no matter what. Being her main carer again will be very self affirming for me, build some self esteem and confidence. Real confidence that is not pretend. So much to do must use the smart approach thinking about everything at once tends to shut me down. Small steps and all that.
Much love to all.
Ciao for now
Sunday 28 February 2016
Hello,
Actually got some sleep last night, from 2am till about 6am. It was great proper restful sleep. Still cramping legs and uncontrollable full body stretches, yawns and poorly tummy. However having sleep has made these so much easier to deal with. I must pull my finger out and find a job this week. It's time to get back into life, a bit daunting but I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I've never been work shy. Ironically I may have landed a job as a delivery driver for a Brewery of all places. Well at least they know the stock will be safe. Need to try and rescue my house so my daughter can stay here and finish her school year before moving on. She's doing so well it will benefit her to complete the year before transitioning to a new area. My son is going in 6 weeks with his mum to start his new school. This is ideal as he really has had trauma with bullying at school and the school not recognising as such for 6 months. Shocking really but I do feel for the bully as his dad's not around and who knows what homelike he has. I've tried educate my son towards a more deeper understanding of life and how there is usually a reason people are bad. I fully believe that nearly all humans are born a blank slate and learnt behaviours and environmental factors contribute to their make up. I suppose it's the nature versus nurture argument but however it comes people are born a clean slate. Funny how some religions put the sins of the world onto new born children till they are baptised, I've never managed to get my head round this concept.
Well I've digressed and gone off at a tangent but still it's all relative.
Ciao for now
Actually got some sleep last night, from 2am till about 6am. It was great proper restful sleep. Still cramping legs and uncontrollable full body stretches, yawns and poorly tummy. However having sleep has made these so much easier to deal with. I must pull my finger out and find a job this week. It's time to get back into life, a bit daunting but I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I've never been work shy. Ironically I may have landed a job as a delivery driver for a Brewery of all places. Well at least they know the stock will be safe. Need to try and rescue my house so my daughter can stay here and finish her school year before moving on. She's doing so well it will benefit her to complete the year before transitioning to a new area. My son is going in 6 weeks with his mum to start his new school. This is ideal as he really has had trauma with bullying at school and the school not recognising as such for 6 months. Shocking really but I do feel for the bully as his dad's not around and who knows what homelike he has. I've tried educate my son towards a more deeper understanding of life and how there is usually a reason people are bad. I fully believe that nearly all humans are born a blank slate and learnt behaviours and environmental factors contribute to their make up. I suppose it's the nature versus nurture argument but however it comes people are born a clean slate. Funny how some religions put the sins of the world onto new born children till they are baptised, I've never managed to get my head round this concept.
Well I've digressed and gone off at a tangent but still it's all relative.
Ciao for now
Friday 26 February 2016
Hello,
Just seen this in Facebook, I certainly agree with his:
https://www.facebook.com/RussellBrand/videos/10153479189883177/
#RussellBrand
Ciao for now
Just seen this in Facebook, I certainly agree with his:
https://www.facebook.com/RussellBrand/videos/10153479189883177/
#RussellBrand
Ciao for now
Hello,
It's 4am again, as ever sleep is elusive. I really thought the proverbial camels back had broken following 3 hours last night. I was hoping to build upon this improving day by day. I guess all it did was recharge my batteries. These damn noradrenaline storms are a nightmare. The family are asleep, happy in their slumber. I envy them, this probably sounds a bit selfish but I long for a full nights sleep. One of life's basic needs, cruelly ripped from my grasp by years of drug and alcohol fuelled dependence. I begin to wonder if this my lot now. My mother has a sleep pattern that is pretty erratic. I really don't want that. I used to find laying in bed listening to the rain would slowly lull me into a deep sleep, if only I could rely on that now. I may try walking a good few miles today to see if I can gain some restful sleep tonight. This must end soon or I may go a little bit insane.
I find myself thinking, what can I use to get to sleep, perhaps a strong anti histamine, realisation that this is old reliant behaviours surfacing and I must not fall into that dangerous trap again. At least though it is the weekend and my family are around to help me fill the fuzzy exhaustion filled days.
Ciao for now
It's 4am again, as ever sleep is elusive. I really thought the proverbial camels back had broken following 3 hours last night. I was hoping to build upon this improving day by day. I guess all it did was recharge my batteries. These damn noradrenaline storms are a nightmare. The family are asleep, happy in their slumber. I envy them, this probably sounds a bit selfish but I long for a full nights sleep. One of life's basic needs, cruelly ripped from my grasp by years of drug and alcohol fuelled dependence. I begin to wonder if this my lot now. My mother has a sleep pattern that is pretty erratic. I really don't want that. I used to find laying in bed listening to the rain would slowly lull me into a deep sleep, if only I could rely on that now. I may try walking a good few miles today to see if I can gain some restful sleep tonight. This must end soon or I may go a little bit insane.
I find myself thinking, what can I use to get to sleep, perhaps a strong anti histamine, realisation that this is old reliant behaviours surfacing and I must not fall into that dangerous trap again. At least though it is the weekend and my family are around to help me fill the fuzzy exhaustion filled days.
Ciao for now
Hello,
I actually slept for a whole 3 unbroken hours last night. I feel refreshed and ready to face the day. I am due to attend my first Community SMART Recovery meeting today. This will be a big step as its in the same community where I one worked as a Drug and Alcohol worker. That being said, taking ownership of my addiction and practicing complete honesty is a way forward I am committed to. I think I would like to, in time, return to facilitating groups. The SMART Recovery model is ideal for me as it is completely client led. I believe they even provide a level of additional training. I could definitnely use a refresher. I'm looking forward to gaining support from like minded folk and I really do hope the group members who may be active still are discreet. I certainly wouldn't want to prejudice people who are still struggling but I also see the need for absolute safety within the group. It's a very fine line between what's acceptable and what isn't. As in most things in life there is always a grey area.
I have created a Google+ Community with the idea of raising awareness. It is very embryonic as yet with only 3 Members. Hopefully it will gain more members and become an open forum for service users and service providers to gain support or information. It would be wonderful if this helped just one person resolve their ambivalence and make change but obviously the more the merrier. If anyone reading this blog would like to take a look, here is a link:
https://plus.google.com/communities/108852432853447536523
Have a great day, one and all.
Ciao for now
I actually slept for a whole 3 unbroken hours last night. I feel refreshed and ready to face the day. I am due to attend my first Community SMART Recovery meeting today. This will be a big step as its in the same community where I one worked as a Drug and Alcohol worker. That being said, taking ownership of my addiction and practicing complete honesty is a way forward I am committed to. I think I would like to, in time, return to facilitating groups. The SMART Recovery model is ideal for me as it is completely client led. I believe they even provide a level of additional training. I could definitnely use a refresher. I'm looking forward to gaining support from like minded folk and I really do hope the group members who may be active still are discreet. I certainly wouldn't want to prejudice people who are still struggling but I also see the need for absolute safety within the group. It's a very fine line between what's acceptable and what isn't. As in most things in life there is always a grey area.
I have created a Google+ Community with the idea of raising awareness. It is very embryonic as yet with only 3 Members. Hopefully it will gain more members and become an open forum for service users and service providers to gain support or information. It would be wonderful if this helped just one person resolve their ambivalence and make change but obviously the more the merrier. If anyone reading this blog would like to take a look, here is a link:
https://plus.google.com/communities/108852432853447536523
Have a great day, one and all.
Ciao for now
Wednesday 24 February 2016
Hello,
I made it through the night, not sure how. My drug and alcohol worker screened me for Methadone which came up negative so I was prescribed Naltrexone. I was soon to realise that perhaps my receptors weren't quite empty. In 26 years of using that is by far the most intense withdrawal I have ever experienced. D + V, loss of consciouness, I kept finding my self on the floor, half on/off the sofa. Severe Pain in every ounce of my being. It was horrific, I am too frightened to continue the Naltrexone and must speak to a dr first, in case it was a reaction as well as withdrawal. Methadone is indeed a horrible drug to get out of the system. Yes I understand it can stabilise people when their lives are chaotic, stop crime etc. However the reality of getting off it is a whole other ball game. It must be done in a slow controlled manor. Rapid Detox followed by Naltrexone for blocking, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Once again I find myself thinking of education, not only with service users/addicts but perhaps with Service Providers and Writers of legislation. Sadly it's all about the money and drug abuse is still very much misunderstood. It is a health issue, no one chooses to become addicted to anything it is a process, generally caused by deeper underlying issue. That may seem a bit all encompassing and I realise every ones journey is personal to them, however I haven't met anyone who fell in to addiction who hasn't got a traumatic story to share. Awareness needs to be raised, if someone isn't ready to change then give them their drug of choice, and safe areas to use such. The crime levels would reduce, health issues would lesson, and when people are ready they can engage in treatment. There are indeed a few places where this approach is used.
This approach is called DCR and has been attempted in a few cities/countries. Sadly though it hasn't been more widespread.
http://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2013/12/16/246606797/denmarks-fix-rooms-give-drug-users-a-safe-haven
Stop Criminalising, Raise Awarenes, Pave the way for the future.
Ciao for now. (Glad I have access to a pad again, blogging via a phone was, tricky)
I made it through the night, not sure how. My drug and alcohol worker screened me for Methadone which came up negative so I was prescribed Naltrexone. I was soon to realise that perhaps my receptors weren't quite empty. In 26 years of using that is by far the most intense withdrawal I have ever experienced. D + V, loss of consciouness, I kept finding my self on the floor, half on/off the sofa. Severe Pain in every ounce of my being. It was horrific, I am too frightened to continue the Naltrexone and must speak to a dr first, in case it was a reaction as well as withdrawal. Methadone is indeed a horrible drug to get out of the system. Yes I understand it can stabilise people when their lives are chaotic, stop crime etc. However the reality of getting off it is a whole other ball game. It must be done in a slow controlled manor. Rapid Detox followed by Naltrexone for blocking, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Once again I find myself thinking of education, not only with service users/addicts but perhaps with Service Providers and Writers of legislation. Sadly it's all about the money and drug abuse is still very much misunderstood. It is a health issue, no one chooses to become addicted to anything it is a process, generally caused by deeper underlying issue. That may seem a bit all encompassing and I realise every ones journey is personal to them, however I haven't met anyone who fell in to addiction who hasn't got a traumatic story to share. Awareness needs to be raised, if someone isn't ready to change then give them their drug of choice, and safe areas to use such. The crime levels would reduce, health issues would lesson, and when people are ready they can engage in treatment. There are indeed a few places where this approach is used.
This approach is called DCR and has been attempted in a few cities/countries. Sadly though it hasn't been more widespread.
http://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2013/12/16/246606797/denmarks-fix-rooms-give-drug-users-a-safe-haven
Stop Criminalising, Raise Awarenes, Pave the way for the future.
Ciao for now. (Glad I have access to a pad again, blogging via a phone was, tricky)
Tuesday 23 February 2016
Hello,
Well that was a long night. I think I could deal with the insomnia a bit better if I just had a reprieve from the pain. Abdolutely every part of me is aching. Found myself in all sorts of weird and wonderful, sitting, laying and standing positions. All to no avail, at some point this must get easier.
I just found myself looking for my phone, hilarious as I'm using it to create this entry. That about sum's up how battered my mind is. Frazzled would be a good word. One thing I am sure of I will never as long as I live take Methadone again. I would rather chew tin foil.
Watching the news a lot at the mo, i do worry what sort of life my children will have. Will there still be an NHS. Will the world still be run by the few hidden elites. Will governments still be corrupt, will there still be ongoing wars. Sadly i supect that my children will not have the simple approach, requiring ipads and iphones etc etc. Instead they could be running free, in a rural and healthy setting. The outer hebrides looks about right, it is something I'm considering, not sure I
Hope u all have a good deto mr
Well that was a long night. I think I could deal with the insomnia a bit better if I just had a reprieve from the pain. Abdolutely every part of me is aching. Found myself in all sorts of weird and wonderful, sitting, laying and standing positions. All to no avail, at some point this must get easier.
I just found myself looking for my phone, hilarious as I'm using it to create this entry. That about sum's up how battered my mind is. Frazzled would be a good word. One thing I am sure of I will never as long as I live take Methadone again. I would rather chew tin foil.
Watching the news a lot at the mo, i do worry what sort of life my children will have. Will there still be an NHS. Will the world still be run by the few hidden elites. Will governments still be corrupt, will there still be ongoing wars. Sadly i supect that my children will not have the simple approach, requiring ipads and iphones etc etc. Instead they could be running free, in a rural and healthy setting. The outer hebrides looks about right, it is something I'm considering, not sure I
Hope u all have a good deto mr
Hello,
This insomnia is getting really old now. I did manage 35 minutes sleep only to wake up drenched from prolific night sweats. How can such a drug as Methadone actually be used, getting clear of this is way harder than the Heroin itself. In 12 hours I provide another screen which has to be clear to be prescribed Naltrexone. Surely it must be clear of my system by now.
On a different but related issue, I have been told why I was prejudiced against when it came to funding. It turns out that the Treatment Based project i worked for and eventually had to report to the care quality commision have received all the funding for Rehab in this area. Basically the project was told they were gonna have to close a year ago. In response to this the director of said company has basically blackmailed the local authority by saying. If you dont fund us, I was get loads of crack/heroin dependants from out of the local area. He's ruthless and it's all about profit for him, not life. I wonder what this person may have on the decision maker.
You know it strikes me that I am feeling sorry for myself and there are people starving in the world. Somehow that puts things into a little perspective. Yeah I made the choice to use but god knows no one deserves this type of slow ongoing torture.
Ciao for now
This insomnia is getting really old now. I did manage 35 minutes sleep only to wake up drenched from prolific night sweats. How can such a drug as Methadone actually be used, getting clear of this is way harder than the Heroin itself. In 12 hours I provide another screen which has to be clear to be prescribed Naltrexone. Surely it must be clear of my system by now.
On a different but related issue, I have been told why I was prejudiced against when it came to funding. It turns out that the Treatment Based project i worked for and eventually had to report to the care quality commision have received all the funding for Rehab in this area. Basically the project was told they were gonna have to close a year ago. In response to this the director of said company has basically blackmailed the local authority by saying. If you dont fund us, I was get loads of crack/heroin dependants from out of the local area. He's ruthless and it's all about profit for him, not life. I wonder what this person may have on the decision maker.
You know it strikes me that I am feeling sorry for myself and there are people starving in the world. Somehow that puts things into a little perspective. Yeah I made the choice to use but god knows no one deserves this type of slow ongoing torture.
Ciao for now
Monday 22 February 2016
Hello,
Had an odd day, went to see my community drug and alcohol worker today to collect my opiate blocker script - Naltrexone. Had to do a urine screen to ensure I am totally clear of opiates, if I still have any opiates at all in my system the naltrexone would throw me into a severe withdrawal. Bearing in mind my last dose of Methadone was 9 full days ago. To my surprise I screened positive for Methadone. Thats some Half-life. As I was informed the Naltrexone likes the opiate receptors and is stickier than the opiate metabolites. Not only does it bind to the receptor it blocks it too. However if there are the slightest amount of Opiate Metabolites left in the receptor the Naltrexone forces them out and makes you feel intense withdrawal. Gotta wonder could I feel any worse?? Well its been 3 days at home with about 3.5 hours sleep in total and lots of Noradrenaline bombardments. Wide awake, leg cramps. Uncontrollable stretches and sneezing fits. Why does this even occur in nature? Hope those that read Gary's poem earlier enjoyed it, or if in recovery or use could relate to it.
A big thanks to Leanne for her positive vibes and support.
Well it will soon be another long dark night, its crazy how 8 hours can seem like a lifetime, feeling run down and lonely at these dark times. Perhaps I need a hobby.
Ciao for now
Had an odd day, went to see my community drug and alcohol worker today to collect my opiate blocker script - Naltrexone. Had to do a urine screen to ensure I am totally clear of opiates, if I still have any opiates at all in my system the naltrexone would throw me into a severe withdrawal. Bearing in mind my last dose of Methadone was 9 full days ago. To my surprise I screened positive for Methadone. Thats some Half-life. As I was informed the Naltrexone likes the opiate receptors and is stickier than the opiate metabolites. Not only does it bind to the receptor it blocks it too. However if there are the slightest amount of Opiate Metabolites left in the receptor the Naltrexone forces them out and makes you feel intense withdrawal. Gotta wonder could I feel any worse?? Well its been 3 days at home with about 3.5 hours sleep in total and lots of Noradrenaline bombardments. Wide awake, leg cramps. Uncontrollable stretches and sneezing fits. Why does this even occur in nature? Hope those that read Gary's poem earlier enjoyed it, or if in recovery or use could relate to it.
A big thanks to Leanne for her positive vibes and support.
Well it will soon be another long dark night, its crazy how 8 hours can seem like a lifetime, feeling run down and lonely at these dark times. Perhaps I need a hobby.
Ciao for now
Goodbye
Gary Harkness
I find myself pondering through the annuls of my life,
Wondering why I chose to walk the prickly path of strife,
Why I chose to seek out chaos, rather than routes more sublime,
Why I never chose to change my path, over this epic length of time,
I felt comfortable in the madness, happy with my lot,
The feelings that were true and real, were the ones that I forgot.
Closed myself off from my ability to see nature’s beauty pure,
Sought my only solace, through addictions chemical cure,
It robbed me of everything to which I should stand true,
And her sedatory powers, meant, I never had a clue,
My drug became my mistress, encompassing every part of every day,
I sought out my Kryptonite in every possible way.
It brought me to my knees, took everything I ever had,
She took my dignity, my marriage and ability to be a dad,
But still I never saw her wiles, were robbing me of me,
And every second of my day with her I chose to be,
My mistress made sure I was dependant through and through,
Spun her web and convinced me, you need me to be you.
Now no longer do I her have ruling my entire life,
It has been a process similar to the divorce from my wife,
She left me cold and bare, standing all alone,
With every part of me aching, every organ, every bone,
She convinced me that without her I was lost,
Meaning all that joy love could bring was out of reach at any cost.
However I now look with eyes newly born,
I am starting to be able to function, through my mistress’s scorn,
She is clever, she is wily, she is very sly,
Without her grip around me, my heart again can fly,
Life is the choice for which I opt today,
And life is what I choose to live, whatever cost I pay,
No longer am I beholding to her vice like claws,
Free from now from her tight suffocating paws,
These eyes behold the beauty of the breaking dawn,
No longer am I prisoner to her clutches and her scorn.
So long, my long lost lover, it is life that I choose,
No longer to your beat I’ll dance, no longer a prisoner to your blues,
You’ve been deceitful and misguiding for a major part of my life,
I never took the same amount of grief from my ex bloody wife,
I’m no longer in your clutches, not your puppet on a string,
I’ve chosen to seek my solace, and love, under nature’s wing.
So long my old mistress, it was you and I for so long,
Now my heart beats freely with a joyous rhythmic hum,
I’m free from you now you nasty piece of work,
No longer in every thought of the day does my reliance on you lurk,
Good to you, you’ve been my lover, almost a wife,
But in your grips I am no longer I have chosen life,
So its to the job of DIY, and patching up a broken past,
I never thought it would be easy to let you go, but you are gone at last,
I see my future burning bright, like a burning star,
And I going to go and find it with the speed of a racing car.
Saturday 20 February 2016
Ahhhhhhh, insomnia is driving me insane. It's 4:23 and I still havent got any sleep. Surely something has to give soon. I'm so run down, this is f#$¥ing b&£#€¥it.
I lay here in misery.
Legs cramping,
Brain frying,
Omg, this cant be the way,
I wonder the house,
Pain and suffering wonder with me,
I try to be as quiet as a mouse,
I dont want to wake my spouse,
No more will I use,
My body was abused,
I suffer long term,
Will I ever truly learn,
My hot tears run down my cheeks.
I feel so tired, i feel so weak,
How long can i cope,
I must keep up hope.
Ciao for now
I lay here in misery.
Legs cramping,
Brain frying,
Omg, this cant be the way,
I wonder the house,
Pain and suffering wonder with me,
I try to be as quiet as a mouse,
I dont want to wake my spouse,
No more will I use,
My body was abused,
I suffer long term,
Will I ever truly learn,
My hot tears run down my cheeks.
I feel so tired, i feel so weak,
How long can i cope,
I must keep up hope.
Ciao for now
Hello,
I'm home, the final meeting before discharge was very emotional. I shed many a tear. My peers were so positive and supportive and even though i've only had 30 mins sleep in 36 hours its great to be home and I actually feel really positive for my future. Cooking some nice pulled pork for my family.
I have some literature to get typed up and I will type these up and post them tomorrow. The previously mentioned poem by my new friend from treatment. His name is Gary Harkness and he was an inspiration in treatment is determined to live the rest of his life. He has been using for 26 years too. We were very like minded. I also have a very short story well more like a pro-logue that I wrote in Creative writing. We were given the wors Hero and had to write about it in any way I like. I'll get them on tomorrow. I'm going to spend this evening in the warm embrace of my family. I start community based secondary treatment on Monday. I am apprehensive however because there are active addicts in community based groups. However N/A is totally substance free but is only once week. I'll get good support in place and feel excited for life and maybe love if I can prove my sobriety to my wife. It'll be a goodly long time before and indeed if the trust can be repaired. So be kind to hourselves and take it one day at a time.
Ciao for now
I'm home, the final meeting before discharge was very emotional. I shed many a tear. My peers were so positive and supportive and even though i've only had 30 mins sleep in 36 hours its great to be home and I actually feel really positive for my future. Cooking some nice pulled pork for my family.
I have some literature to get typed up and I will type these up and post them tomorrow. The previously mentioned poem by my new friend from treatment. His name is Gary Harkness and he was an inspiration in treatment is determined to live the rest of his life. He has been using for 26 years too. We were very like minded. I also have a very short story well more like a pro-logue that I wrote in Creative writing. We were given the wors Hero and had to write about it in any way I like. I'll get them on tomorrow. I'm going to spend this evening in the warm embrace of my family. I start community based secondary treatment on Monday. I am apprehensive however because there are active addicts in community based groups. However N/A is totally substance free but is only once week. I'll get good support in place and feel excited for life and maybe love if I can prove my sobriety to my wife. It'll be a goodly long time before and indeed if the trust can be repaired. So be kind to hourselves and take it one day at a time.
Ciao for now
Friday 19 February 2016
Hello,
Its now 3:25am and I am utterly wide awake the leg cramps are starting to subside but sleep is not happening. In only 6 hours my children will be here with their mum to collect me. Looks like they are going to find a braindead zombie waiting for them. This insomia nightmare is getting old now. How on earth did my support team believe I would be through the withdrawal in such a short time. This is a living hell i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I must also never forget how dire this is getting. On a positive note I have had some great sentiment and good wishes from all my peers here. There are some great people here and I look forward to staying in contact if they also stay free from addiction. There is a potential job waiting for me and i look forward to being self sufficient again. This is the longest night by far during this detox. I actually think I wont be getting a wink of shut eye. She's as demanding lover this lady heroin and likely to ruin and trick people into her insidious, hypnotic ways.
I suppose at some point extreme exhaustion must force me to gain some much needed sleep.
Its the uncertainty of not knowing how long I will be sleep deprived. At least if had a rough timeframe I could prepare accordingly but as everyone is different it could be a long time. To top it off I've contracted a cold too. I guess it really only pours but never rains. I may be insane soon if this doesnt break.
Ciao for now
Its now 3:25am and I am utterly wide awake the leg cramps are starting to subside but sleep is not happening. In only 6 hours my children will be here with their mum to collect me. Looks like they are going to find a braindead zombie waiting for them. This insomia nightmare is getting old now. How on earth did my support team believe I would be through the withdrawal in such a short time. This is a living hell i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I must also never forget how dire this is getting. On a positive note I have had some great sentiment and good wishes from all my peers here. There are some great people here and I look forward to staying in contact if they also stay free from addiction. There is a potential job waiting for me and i look forward to being self sufficient again. This is the longest night by far during this detox. I actually think I wont be getting a wink of shut eye. She's as demanding lover this lady heroin and likely to ruin and trick people into her insidious, hypnotic ways.
I suppose at some point extreme exhaustion must force me to gain some much needed sleep.
Its the uncertainty of not knowing how long I will be sleep deprived. At least if had a rough timeframe I could prepare accordingly but as everyone is different it could be a long time. To top it off I've contracted a cold too. I guess it really only pours but never rains. I may be insane soon if this doesnt break.
Ciao for now
Hello,
Another night of severe cramps and little sleep. I must remember these times and use the memeories to reinforce my committment to change. I go home tomorrow, albeit a very unsettled home full off uncertainty. Yet again another consequence of my using. I will i could bottle this misery and sell it so people could experience the worst of it before ever using. May be a good deterrent, unfortunately a lot of people i have spoken to werent aware of the destruction and pain addiction can cause. Awareness amd education has to be the way forward. How does one go about that though. I have written treatment plans in the past but never a preemptive plan. Would anyone destined for addiction really listen? Perhaps the only real way to gain the knowledge is too experience it. I like to think there is always a more enlightened approach if only it can found and circulated amongst young people. The thought of my children going through this or experimenting with drugs/alcohol is very scary for me and i'll will do my best to educate them as they approach adolescence. I must try and eat something. Have a good day, night or whatever stage of the day you are in.
Ciao for now
Another night of severe cramps and little sleep. I must remember these times and use the memeories to reinforce my committment to change. I go home tomorrow, albeit a very unsettled home full off uncertainty. Yet again another consequence of my using. I will i could bottle this misery and sell it so people could experience the worst of it before ever using. May be a good deterrent, unfortunately a lot of people i have spoken to werent aware of the destruction and pain addiction can cause. Awareness amd education has to be the way forward. How does one go about that though. I have written treatment plans in the past but never a preemptive plan. Would anyone destined for addiction really listen? Perhaps the only real way to gain the knowledge is too experience it. I like to think there is always a more enlightened approach if only it can found and circulated amongst young people. The thought of my children going through this or experimenting with drugs/alcohol is very scary for me and i'll will do my best to educate them as they approach adolescence. I must try and eat something. Have a good day, night or whatever stage of the day you are in.
Ciao for now
Thursday 18 February 2016
Hello,
A big thanks to Leanne for my positive vibes. That was much appreciated. I feel ok at the moment but know that nightime is looming. I really hope the leg cramps start to imrove. I can cope with everything else but the legs cramps are indeed my kryptonite. There is lots of support in here and I am making the most of it. Tonight is the last night I'm allowed any quinine, I'm sure the dr here is experienced enough to know roughly how long the half life of Methadone is. That being said it must be different for everybody as we are all individual. I just hope that tonight is a little kinder to me. Its quiz night tonight so at least i can excerise my brain a bit. I hope everyone who reads this blog is doing ok. If not getting support is actually the easiest road although it may seem the hardest at the moment for you. Stay strong every one and stay safe.
Ciao for now
A big thanks to Leanne for my positive vibes. That was much appreciated. I feel ok at the moment but know that nightime is looming. I really hope the leg cramps start to imrove. I can cope with everything else but the legs cramps are indeed my kryptonite. There is lots of support in here and I am making the most of it. Tonight is the last night I'm allowed any quinine, I'm sure the dr here is experienced enough to know roughly how long the half life of Methadone is. That being said it must be different for everybody as we are all individual. I just hope that tonight is a little kinder to me. Its quiz night tonight so at least i can excerise my brain a bit. I hope everyone who reads this blog is doing ok. If not getting support is actually the easiest road although it may seem the hardest at the moment for you. Stay strong every one and stay safe.
Ciao for now
Hello,
Well sleep is an elusive friend, my legs are cramping beyond anything I have exerienced before. The nurse here game me some quinine but sadly that hasn't helped. I couldn't sit or lay in one position for more than 10 minutes at a time before having to move from the cramps and the pain. I have 48 hours till I go home. I really hope this breaks before then. I'm in a safe environment here with lots of support. Out there in the big bad world, I'll be under my own reconnaissance. Although I will have support from family to a degree and regular groups, I still fear the deep, dark, lonely and painful nights. These are full off dicomfort and desperation, I found myself walking the halls, trying to read, massaging my legs. All to no avail. I have to be strong, I am commited to my recovery, its just old anxieties imposing themselves on me. I find myself feeling a little better having blogged about the dramas. It is quite therapeutic putting it down in words. I must remeber these miseries when having any using thought. I must remember to tell myself "Bullshit" when the "I can have just one" Syndrome rears it's ugly, insipid head. Well please send me some positive vibes over the next few days.
Ciao for now.
Well sleep is an elusive friend, my legs are cramping beyond anything I have exerienced before. The nurse here game me some quinine but sadly that hasn't helped. I couldn't sit or lay in one position for more than 10 minutes at a time before having to move from the cramps and the pain. I have 48 hours till I go home. I really hope this breaks before then. I'm in a safe environment here with lots of support. Out there in the big bad world, I'll be under my own reconnaissance. Although I will have support from family to a degree and regular groups, I still fear the deep, dark, lonely and painful nights. These are full off dicomfort and desperation, I found myself walking the halls, trying to read, massaging my legs. All to no avail. I have to be strong, I am commited to my recovery, its just old anxieties imposing themselves on me. I find myself feeling a little better having blogged about the dramas. It is quite therapeutic putting it down in words. I must remeber these miseries when having any using thought. I must remember to tell myself "Bullshit" when the "I can have just one" Syndrome rears it's ugly, insipid head. Well please send me some positive vibes over the next few days.
Ciao for now.
Wednesday 17 February 2016
Hello,
I'm 2 days away from discharge. Its a real shame as our open group is really starting to perform now. Theres real trust building and sharing my story has had a domino effect and a few other group members have shared some real deep stuff. Obviously group is a confidentil environment so thats all I can say. I can only hope that the groups I engage with in the community will be as productive. I'm apprehensive attended groups in my local service as a lot of the people are still active. I suspect N/A may be better with complete abstinence and real continuity. Well hopefully anyway, also having a sponsor and eventually becoming a sponsor would benefit me. The flipside of being discharged on Saturday is I get to play xbox with my son and spend some good quality time with all my famil. Not forgetting my little doggies of course. Its gonna be a mad month to come as not only have i group to do but I have to try to sort out my house and try to sell it before it is repossessed. Well I suppose I have to accept responsibility for my choices and actions which have brought me here. I say suppose as I am also carrying a lot of resentment now I have aknowledge the abuse. Why should any of them have a normal successful life when they took 35 years from me. It somehow just doesnt seem fair. Especially as the leader of the 5 lads and the first is married to a good friend from school, amd seems to have a great life. Its just not fair, however the fallout from an official complaints seems pointless as it was so long ago.
Anyway I must go am struggling this all at the mo.
Ciao for now
I'm 2 days away from discharge. Its a real shame as our open group is really starting to perform now. Theres real trust building and sharing my story has had a domino effect and a few other group members have shared some real deep stuff. Obviously group is a confidentil environment so thats all I can say. I can only hope that the groups I engage with in the community will be as productive. I'm apprehensive attended groups in my local service as a lot of the people are still active. I suspect N/A may be better with complete abstinence and real continuity. Well hopefully anyway, also having a sponsor and eventually becoming a sponsor would benefit me. The flipside of being discharged on Saturday is I get to play xbox with my son and spend some good quality time with all my famil. Not forgetting my little doggies of course. Its gonna be a mad month to come as not only have i group to do but I have to try to sort out my house and try to sell it before it is repossessed. Well I suppose I have to accept responsibility for my choices and actions which have brought me here. I say suppose as I am also carrying a lot of resentment now I have aknowledge the abuse. Why should any of them have a normal successful life when they took 35 years from me. It somehow just doesnt seem fair. Especially as the leader of the 5 lads and the first is married to a good friend from school, amd seems to have a great life. Its just not fair, however the fallout from an official complaints seems pointless as it was so long ago.
Anyway I must go am struggling this all at the mo.
Ciao for now
Tuesday 16 February 2016
Hello,
I actually did it, I disclosed to the group today. It was raw, emotional but on the flipside its like a weight has been lifted. There were a surprising amount of people in the group that have had similar experiences as children. While that was great and made me realise I am not alone it was also saddening that so many children are subjected to abuse of one kind or another. Sexual and Violent being the main theme in here. I remember about 4 years or so ago the stats were that 1 in 6 children in britain are subjected to some form of abuse. However beautiful the world is it seems that mankind can make it pretty dark at times. Oftentimes young people leave home prematurly for various reasons. There is a video a friend of mine has made with the Healthy Living Project which can help raise awareness, if you have some a few minutes to spare please read:
https://youtu.be/QL-EunZaNO4
Thanks,
Ciao for now
I actually did it, I disclosed to the group today. It was raw, emotional but on the flipside its like a weight has been lifted. There were a surprising amount of people in the group that have had similar experiences as children. While that was great and made me realise I am not alone it was also saddening that so many children are subjected to abuse of one kind or another. Sexual and Violent being the main theme in here. I remember about 4 years or so ago the stats were that 1 in 6 children in britain are subjected to some form of abuse. However beautiful the world is it seems that mankind can make it pretty dark at times. Oftentimes young people leave home prematurly for various reasons. There is a video a friend of mine has made with the Healthy Living Project which can help raise awareness, if you have some a few minutes to spare please read:
https://youtu.be/QL-EunZaNO4
Thanks,
Ciao for now
Monday 15 February 2016
Hello,
I'm in a bad way today, there is a bug doing the rounds here in the Rehab. A few people have had it but it seems to last only a day or two. Suffices to say ouchy mumma. I have decided to do an assignment in group tomorrow about the abuse I exerienced when I was 8. Its been hard writing it and very emotional. My councellor has suggested, if I'm able, to share with group. This fills me with dread but I know I have to get it out and really own it. It wasn't my fault but was done to me. That being said I have hidden it for so long that breaking that behavior pattern is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. Following the initial disclosure to my counsellor it felt quite liberating and empowering. That being said I have realised that these behaviours are firmly ingrained. I have a school photo of my children with me, my son is basically mini me and it breaks my heart to think that when I was that age I did 't have anyone I could tell, and would subsequently suffer in silence for 35 years. Clearly I have a lot of therapy and work to do in the community. He's a year older than I was when I was raped by 5 older boys. I just could't imagine him going through something like that, hes just like me a sensitive soul. The only difference is that I was the first born and he was the second. There is a theory that te first born child is generally more resilient than subsequent siblings.
https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=5dCOxdgAAAAJ&hl=en
Quite interesting theory also states first born are more attractive and intelligence. I suppose they get more off both parent before other siblings are born. Nurture at its best.
I'm in a bad way today, there is a bug doing the rounds here in the Rehab. A few people have had it but it seems to last only a day or two. Suffices to say ouchy mumma. I have decided to do an assignment in group tomorrow about the abuse I exerienced when I was 8. Its been hard writing it and very emotional. My councellor has suggested, if I'm able, to share with group. This fills me with dread but I know I have to get it out and really own it. It wasn't my fault but was done to me. That being said I have hidden it for so long that breaking that behavior pattern is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. Following the initial disclosure to my counsellor it felt quite liberating and empowering. That being said I have realised that these behaviours are firmly ingrained. I have a school photo of my children with me, my son is basically mini me and it breaks my heart to think that when I was that age I did 't have anyone I could tell, and would subsequently suffer in silence for 35 years. Clearly I have a lot of therapy and work to do in the community. He's a year older than I was when I was raped by 5 older boys. I just could't imagine him going through something like that, hes just like me a sensitive soul. The only difference is that I was the first born and he was the second. There is a theory that te first born child is generally more resilient than subsequent siblings.
https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=5dCOxdgAAAAJ&hl=en
Quite interesting theory also states first born are more attractive and intelligence. I suppose they get more off both parent before other siblings are born. Nurture at its best.
Sunday 14 February 2016
Hello,
Struggling this evening, the impending medicine free day is looming. I feel the stretches, yawns, stomache cramp, headache, backache, sneezing, runny nose and of course the obligatory diarrhoea. Probably too much info but this blog is all about realism in recovery. Hopefully i might get some sleep tonight. A few of us watch Django Unchained last night that was a welcome distraction and a great film. My heads battered but I'm staying strong. I get to go back to my home town on Saturday and am really looking forward to seeing my kids. My son has made me promise we'll play xbox all day Saturday and Sunday I shall watch movies with my daughter and cook a full english dinner with her. She loves helping me in the kitchen, bless her she is 11 going on 20 and desperate fo her independence. My son on the other hand couldn't give a monkey's, as long as his xbox works he's content. Might visit the local pool hall too or take dogs down the beach.
I hope I feel better by then, it wont be much fun if i have to stay within 20 meters of a toilet at all times. There is also a bug sweeping through the house, I expect to get that too. Had some very vivid using dreams and woke up terrified I'd relapse. This is a good thing I believe it just highlights how I dont want to bo back to the madness. I briefly considred getting a few beers but soon put that idea to bed. If I use anything I am just keeping the back door open. Anyway that enough of my tattle for now.
Ciao for now
Struggling this evening, the impending medicine free day is looming. I feel the stretches, yawns, stomache cramp, headache, backache, sneezing, runny nose and of course the obligatory diarrhoea. Probably too much info but this blog is all about realism in recovery. Hopefully i might get some sleep tonight. A few of us watch Django Unchained last night that was a welcome distraction and a great film. My heads battered but I'm staying strong. I get to go back to my home town on Saturday and am really looking forward to seeing my kids. My son has made me promise we'll play xbox all day Saturday and Sunday I shall watch movies with my daughter and cook a full english dinner with her. She loves helping me in the kitchen, bless her she is 11 going on 20 and desperate fo her independence. My son on the other hand couldn't give a monkey's, as long as his xbox works he's content. Might visit the local pool hall too or take dogs down the beach.
I hope I feel better by then, it wont be much fun if i have to stay within 20 meters of a toilet at all times. There is also a bug sweeping through the house, I expect to get that too. Had some very vivid using dreams and woke up terrified I'd relapse. This is a good thing I believe it just highlights how I dont want to bo back to the madness. I briefly considred getting a few beers but soon put that idea to bed. If I use anything I am just keeping the back door open. Anyway that enough of my tattle for now.
Ciao for now
Hello,
Well today has dragged a bit, I've been plodding round like a zombie. Tired and a little uncertain but still positive. I get dishcarged next saturday. Its been empowering to aknowledge the abuse I experienced as a child. I understand its really early days and that i will somehow have to seek more counselling but I have taken the first and most difficult step. I am starting to see a future again and actually have a 5 year plan and aspirations. I long for the simple things in life. The true pleasures, music, family, good food, socialising the list could go on and on. When I think back I have always had to seek intoxication for pleasure as well as blocking out painful emotions. I still havent recieved the poem but am sure it will be sent any time now. I look forward to sharing its very insightful and written by a long term addict. Who following 26 years of use is now in recovery. He has been a real inspiration too me in here. In fact all my peers have they are a good bunch it looks like I came in just at the right time. By the time I leave I will actually have a few days totally medication free. I admit I am scared but I am also ready for life.
Ciao for now
Well today has dragged a bit, I've been plodding round like a zombie. Tired and a little uncertain but still positive. I get dishcarged next saturday. Its been empowering to aknowledge the abuse I experienced as a child. I understand its really early days and that i will somehow have to seek more counselling but I have taken the first and most difficult step. I am starting to see a future again and actually have a 5 year plan and aspirations. I long for the simple things in life. The true pleasures, music, family, good food, socialising the list could go on and on. When I think back I have always had to seek intoxication for pleasure as well as blocking out painful emotions. I still havent recieved the poem but am sure it will be sent any time now. I look forward to sharing its very insightful and written by a long term addict. Who following 26 years of use is now in recovery. He has been a real inspiration too me in here. In fact all my peers have they are a good bunch it looks like I came in just at the right time. By the time I leave I will actually have a few days totally medication free. I admit I am scared but I am also ready for life.
Ciao for now
Friday 12 February 2016
Hello,
Well its been a roller coaster the last couple of days. I will be completely drug free in 1day. My dotox is nearly over. Thats a miracle in itself. I am beginning to retrain my brain to experience my emotions rather than suppress them, how Alien that will be. I have some good CBT based techniques to use. When I trained as a counsellor i didnt reckon much to CBT but actually it has immense potential with addiction and PTSD. I would really reccomend that anybody who feels they are ready for change seeks out a psychosocial intervention. Its never too late to make change, however i do also realise that when a person is in the madness they may not see that there is hope. I suppose its the reason only a small percentage of addicts make change.
Ciao for now
Well its been a roller coaster the last couple of days. I will be completely drug free in 1day. My dotox is nearly over. Thats a miracle in itself. I am beginning to retrain my brain to experience my emotions rather than suppress them, how Alien that will be. I have some good CBT based techniques to use. When I trained as a counsellor i didnt reckon much to CBT but actually it has immense potential with addiction and PTSD. I would really reccomend that anybody who feels they are ready for change seeks out a psychosocial intervention. Its never too late to make change, however i do also realise that when a person is in the madness they may not see that there is hope. I suppose its the reason only a small percentage of addicts make change.
Ciao for now
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