Hello,

Well this is it, the last night under the same roof as my children. For now anyway. As soon as I am able to get a suitable place I will have them over to stay as often as work / ex wife permits. I've been doing some serious thinking this last 24 hours and realise that, yes, I am being seperated from my family but in the long run I'm getting a reasonably good side of the deal. For the most part I will be getting all ths positives from the kids, fun times, trips out and sleep overs. Whilst I would be happy to be part of everything I suspect I wont be part of all the tears and misery. I understand this is a very self centered and mercenary way of looking but I need to cling on to any positives I can find right now. If I can look to the future with a brighter outlook I can actually make it through this situation unscathed.

I've made a start on a kids book I've decided to write. I'm up to chapter four and so far its pretty good, the ideas are coming thick and fast. The whole story will  definitely fill a trilogy, maybe even more. The kids have even got involved, my son saw I was struggling to find a good name for a Coven Queen (obviously a powerful and dark witch). When I described her to him in detail and briefly covered her role in the story he sat thinking for a bit and said "How about Magda Blackworthy?". I was totally impressed it fits her character perfectly. The tale also has Vampires and right now I'm struggling to name their homeland. I've set the kids to task and they are having a think, it would be great for them both to have a large amount of input. After all the books will be aimed at their age group and slightly older. If anyone reading this can think of names for Witches (male and female), Vampires (again both sexes) and their homelands it would be greatly appreciated. If the book do get published and obviously thats a big if, credits to anyone making suggestions would be forthcoming and clearly named in the thank you section. Please either comment or message/email me with any suggestions, please use recoveryblog2211@gmail.com

Well i look forward to hearing from anyone. Hopefully more interaction than the whole poetry flop lol

Ciao for now

#writing #recovery #vampires #witches #magic #heroin #blog #seperation #relapseprevention #recovery

Hello,

Freaking out now, a few short days till i'm solo again. I got to be honest i'm not to confident about my safety when left to my own devices. Especially as the emotional trauma will be rough. I just want to roll the clock back 5 years and not relapse. One can dream. I've fallen back into the habit of suppressing everything when it gets too much to bear. This also frightens me as that behaviour led me into addiction in the first place. I can only fight and do my best to stay free and build my life again. Perhaps once the break has been made and I've ridden the preverbial storm I can make some progress. As mentioned in an earlier blog i'm just stuck in limbo at the moment. As for health concerns i am well and truly doing the ostrich with those at the moment. Just cant deal, even though i do know that this should come first and foremost. What a mess. Thanks Leanne x

My thoughts go out to all the lost lives and families affected in Pakistan. The world is falling into madness.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Spending a nice evening with the kids, snuggled up watching corny old horror movies. Nothing too scary just corny lol. I need to spend as much time as I can with them this weekend. From Wednesday we'll be living apart. I'm really scared, the thought of not seeing them everyday is is intensley daunting. Add that to the constant reminders from my ex wife that my family wasn't enough for me and I still chose drugs and alcohol. If only it was that simple, if only I could turn back the clock. Would I be able to make healthy choices if given the a do over. I like to think I would but (and its a big but), addiction is a very real, insidious beast. So many years of dependance and emotional suppression I really don't know if I would. Thats a real hard pill to swallow, knowing how broken I truly am. If it was as simple as making healthy choices for loved ones and positive reasons I guess there wouldnt be such a small percentage of people who make permanent change and beat addiction. Unfortunately the majority of people I know don't seem to grasp this concept. The rumour mill has also been running its course as lots of other parents at the school have been throwing me filthy looks or blatantly blanking me. As wednesday approaches panic is surfacing, my old friend anxiety is making an appearance. I suspect I'm due for a meltdown, if I can just keep myself safe perhaps I can ride the storm and get back to a productive healthy life. I'm still waiting for test results but in all honesty am burying my head in the sand at the moment. I just cant deal with that too. Well back to the kids and another movie.

 Ciao for now

Hello,

I bumped into a dealer today, he was like a shark. Spotted me and homed straight in for the kill. I felt such immense fear it was overwhelming. The sheer cascade of emotions in those few moments were like a kaleidoscope. "I'm on he said, what do you need" to myself I thought "a bloody big hole in the ground that can swallow me up". What i actually said was "er er er nothing, I'm clean". I'm still quite amazed that I manage to quell the massive triggers and cravings the whole situation brought on. I must of seemed like a dithering idiot going into some sort of seizure. Stumbling over my word, walking away a little to quickly with uncontrolled jerky movements. Even though I told him I was now clean he still carried on with normal spiel "do u want my number in case you change your mind", "are you sure its banging kit", "I can do you 3 bags for 25". Amazing that because when I was seeing him daily there were never any consessions or cheaper deals available. As I walked away, tge further I got the more the urge to turn around and say "oh go on then". This very real sense of panic and urgency came over me, all the good times flashing back to mind. Funnily enough none of the times I was ill came back to me. Sometimes our own brains can be our own worst enemy. As I sit here now I feel proud if myself for saying no. I do however expect a night of using dreams and another rough morning. Man I can't wait to be away from here and having a fresh start. New beginnings and all that.


Ciao for now

Hello,

24 hours in and I may have to do away with my ex mother in law. Incessant chatter when I'm not really very talkative at the mo. Not sure about every one else but it seems to me that in laws/grand parents etc, seem to think they know whats best for every one elses life. I've been firmly told today exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing with my life and the house. Ahhhhh its driving me insane. Granted I may not have made the most healthy of choices up until now but I am 43 and have so far survived. Perhaps my tolerance has lessened now that my relationship with her daughter is over. Its a shame I wasn't consulted when my ex arranged for her to come down for our last 10 days in the house. As predicted I am being wasteful as I'm not keeping everything that belongs to me/us. Never mind the fact I have no storage or any way of moving a large amount of stuff. Again it feels like I am spouting pure negativity but at the moment there doesn't seem to be a lot of positives going on. I must remember its only 10 days and I'm sure once I'm on my own I would be glad of the company, even if it is eccentric company provided by a frosty ex and a mad little irish lady. Once again thought spring unbidden to mind, perhaps I could just have a little go. Frenzied distraction has been replaced by a long slow arduous torture. All this being said, I remain safe and am being polite. Fortunately I have never been very direct and I'm sure that wouldn't go down too well in the current situation. I will report more shenanigans tomorrow upon my return from Hospital.

Ciao for now.

Hello,

Made good progress on the house today, nearly cleared all the junk/recyclables. All my stuff is packed. Its been a ferocious battle of distraction and triggers today. It would seem when I stop and give myself time to think the preverbial monkey starts to make his/her weight felt on my back. I must have looked like a mad man keeping myself busy with as little pause as possible. As i've said before the mind is an amazing thing and addiction is a cunning, insidious beast. I had another bout of using dreams last night so the morning wasn't a great start. This time of limbo is definitely leaving me somewhat vulnerable, however my awareness of these processes are for now keeping me safe.

Monday is fast approaching when I go for some more tests and will hopefully have some answers. I feel like its pointless thinking to far ahead at this time. However I also realise i need to have goals and a plan to keep moving forward. On a plus side I have been revisiting some of my all time favourite tunes today. Lynryd Skynryd, Guns and Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Whitesnake, Black Sabbath, Creedence Clearwater Revival its all been going off. I'm sure my neighbours will be glad to see the back of me with all the rock thats been blaring out. The music however is great for helping me maintain a frantic frenzy of distraction. So I leave you with one of my all time favourites, this one always lifts my spirits.

http://youtu.be/bleruLKFcZE

Have a good Saturday one and all.

Ciao for now.

#recovery #triggers #cravings #distraction #moving #addiction #music #rock #life #healthcare

Hello,

Its weird how life goes, get into recovery, fight for freedom and life just to have a pile of shite thrown at you. Its feeling like all I post in my blog is negative stuff. All I can say is I'm really grateful for you guys still reading my blog and listening to my woes. So at the risk of repeating myself lets list the negatives.

1) Marriage is over and kids are leaving with Mum.
2) House it at risk of repossession, unless by some miracle I sell quickly.
3) Homeless when I relocate to be near kids.
4) Unemployed now and post relocation.

If those weren't enough to deal with there is now a number 5.

5) I may have throat Cancer.

I mean really how can one person be so unlucky, I have no idea how I haven't hit the prevebial F*#k it button. 2 weeks ago I was contemplating suicide, lack of sleep and pain was more than I could take.  Now I have to face a barrage of tests, a potentially life threatening illness and god only knows what else. I'm a firm believer in Karma and for the life if me I can't think what I have done to deserve this. I would have thought 1-4 were Karma enough but really Cancer. My brain and emotions are done. Just when I was clearing a drawn out Methadone rattle, bang this rears its ugly head. To top it all off I can't have any decent pain management because of my history. I need some serious help from somewhere, I'm faltering with nowhere to turn. Right about now the oblivion intoxication would offer sounds appealing. However being on Naltrexone that is also off the table. A raging battle of Angel and Devil is going on in my head. Once again I'm spouting negativity, you never know I may have some real positive news one day.

Ciao for now.

#heroin #recovery #depression #health #help #cancer #methadone #lost #karma #relapse #despair

Hello,

Today has been a relatively easy day, packing and clearing house. All very mundane really, just what I need a return to the normalcy of life. Can't wait to get way, especially as the ex mother in law has decided to spend the last 2 weeks here. Not really what I wanted but I wasn't consulted. Never mind, as long as she doesn't start going through the stuff I'm throwing out/recycling for her hoarding all will be well. "Well you might need it one day"... I'm pretty sure I won't. If it's in the pile it's redundant. Also I have to be ruthless as I'll be homeless for the first few weeks, don't fancy dragging to much from sofa to sofa. Gotta wait till house is sold or repossessed before I am entitled to any sort of help with accommodation. In th event I do make something on the house then I can at least find somewhere quicker. It's quite pricey in that part of the country, around 6/700 quid for one room. I'm sure it will all come good in the end though, new beginnings and all that.

Tis a funny old game, what I must ensure is that I'm able to see the munchkins and that I don't let the emotions become an excuse or trigger. It's all too easy to wallow in self pity, I must refrain from this. Perhaps services in the new area will be more available and groups more accessible. Well that's it for today, hope you all are having a good day/night.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well life is a veritable roller coaster, and today I made arrangements to put my house on the market. This is a last ditch attempt to avoid bankruptcy and make something of a poor situation. My ambivalence has been clearly evident around this and I did just want to walk away. I couldn't see a way out but as I have cleared the rooms and the house has become more visible in its own right, selling has seemed more possible. I've also had some good advice from a friend who said selling the house myself is always the better option. What I do know is that the longer I stay in this town the more at risk I am, I can't keep locking myself away to avoid the barrage of triggers and cravings. Unfortunately the drug scene in this lovely, quaint seaside town is rife. There are dealers on every corner and each trip out is a stark reminder of my relapse and unhealthy choices that I made. I long for a fresh start, my home town has changed a lot in the last 11 years and I am unaware of any dealers. That being said I realise if I really wanted to use I could no doubt find it but having the fresh start will strengthen my resolve. I have 14 days living with my children and then my new life begins. I can't wait to be away from here but am sad I won't see my kids every day. It's truly a double edged sword.

I am finding some comfort in writing poetry and have some good ideas for a set of kids books.  If only I can't motivate myself to finish them, I'm not looking for success or wealth just stability and comfort. If the only kids that read my books are my own that would suffice. The lack of support from local services has been shocking, it would seem the complaint I put in to the Care and Quality Commision regarding the abusive practice of one of my previous employers is still biting me in the backside. It just goes to show how whistle blowing and doing the right thing may be better for the clients but can have long and far reaching ramifications for the person putting in the complaint.

Ciao for now

#relapse #loss #blog #relocation #triggers #cravings #poetry #lonely #SMART

Hello,


Apologies for the blank blog, I'm not an Adele impression just having some browser issues. ;-) I actually slept a real sleep last night, the ongoing issues and exhaustion finally led to a full shut down with actual sleep. Yep thats right actual sleep it was "Totes Amazeballs". So onwards and upwards, i intend to ride this wave of positivity for as long as possible. So with that in mind I sit in the sunshine drinking coffee and blogging. Looks like we are in for another warm bright day in good old blighty. How inconsistent the weather is these days, there are definitely big changes afoot. Not only on a personal level but also a political level. Will we stay in Europe, will we go? Will the NHS survive? Will our economy survive? What will happen to all the immigrants/refugees? The world is full of uncertainty at the moment. Sadly it wouldn't surprise me if there is some civil unrest over the next couple of years. I havent spoken to one person lately who is happy and content with our government, scary times, especially having 2 young children. What type of world will they have to face when reaching adulthood. I like the idea of self sufficiency, a small bit of land, a few chickens and a whole load of peace and quiet. Sadly the idea of this fills my kids with dread. No or limited internet access, limited TV and the big one....little or no Youtube. When i've mentioned this to the kids in the past they have looked horrified. I remember the freedom of being "disconnected". Being out with friends all day without the constant urge to look at a device. It still amazes me how everyone in the room will check their phones when a beeping noise is heard. No matter where the noise originates from. That is some pretty deep conditioning. Maybe one day I will be able to organise a more liberated type of life. I guess technology can be just as addictive as drugs and alcohol, maybe even more so as it is legal and socially acceptible. What I find saddest is how the simple things my generation took for granted and enjoyed, conversation, spending uninterrupted time and real non electrical connection are slowly being lost. Still i must remember I'm riding a positivity train today. Mustn't get bogged down with negativity and worry about things that are out of my control. Just for today, I'll enjoy the sun and take a walk on the beach while I still live near the Sea. I shall stay light, bright and fight the good fight.

"Strength and grace hold my hand,
With hope and faith I walk this land,
The warmth of the sun kisses my face,
The gentle breeze holds my embrace.

My swirling thoughts like day and night,
Like stars upon nights face so bright,
I feel a smile lift my soul,
Just for today I avoid the dark hole"

Ciao for now.

Hello,

Well i made it through the weekend without slipping. I'll be honest it was a close run thing though. I very much tortured myself, didn't use distraction techniques and subsequently rode the waves of triggers and cravings. It still amazes me how a thought process can lead to actual physical cravings. In fact it was more like intense withdrawal, not my favourite place to be. I have had some news though, it would seem that the 31st of this month is the time for moving out and moving away. I will be reliant on friends generosity and their sofa's to begin with but I'm sure something will work itself out. The one thing that is certain is how much I need to be away from this town.

On another more positive note I will have the opportunity to provide my mother with care. As it stands my younger sister has had to bear the weight of this responsibility for a decadeby herself. Don't get me wrong she has done a fantastic job but she is young. A young woman of her age could be planning for the future, building relationship with her partner and generally live without to many heavy responsibilities. Although my relationship with my mum is somewhat strained and broken, the prospect of building a better relationship and providing care for my mum fills me with hope. So big changes are a foot. Also having lots to do in the house and with all the other arrangements to be made I will have a distraction that i must follow. Certainly helps tame the monkey for the next 2 weeks.

Kind regards to one and all, a big thanks to Leanne. X

Ciao for now

Hello,

Following yesterday's journey into triggers and cravings it would seem insomnia has returned. Returned with a vengeance too, the brain is a powerful thing. Leg cramps, pacing the whole nine yards. Dawn is here and I can again pretend to be normal with other people around. I only hope tonight is better, not sure I'm ready for long term insomnia again. Or perhaps the sleep I did get recharged my batteries and boom it's back to waking nights. I know I feel ratty and tired right now and yes upon occasion last night when I most uncomfortable I wanted to use to gain some relief. It's like my subconscious lulled me into a falls sense of security them bam hit me where it hurts. Must remain strong, drugs aren't the answer. Yes I may feel better and get some good sleep but it would only lead to more misery and many more of these nights. This must never be the answer for me again, not sure I would have the strength to get clear of it next time.

There have been many times over the years where this unique type of torture has lead to using. Typically this must be the worst sensations and uncomfortable physical feelings a recovering addict will have to endure. I have no doubt in my mind it's one of the reasons only a few make long term change. Sadly it's a road we all have to travel to get to better, happier and freerer times. Well here's to a better day and a better subsequent night.

Ciao for now

#triggers #cravings #withdrawal #insominia #addiction #relapse #recovery

Hello,

Things have been going well, however today I have the proverbial monkey on my back. Struggling today, probably a good job I have no money or transport. Makes it easier to avoid the rolling waves of craving. Just need to focus on my recovery and what I do have. Not what I'm losing, there's no progress to be had in that thought process. I wonder how long this one will last, hopefully just a couple of hours and if I can really distract myself the better.

I was naive to think that I was nearly over it, 29 years of substance misuse isn't going to go away over  4-5 weeks. Oh well another rough night ahead, at least I have caught up on some sleep. That means I shouldn't be too low if up all night. Time to write, a book, a poem whatever piques my interest. I might write a book I have had the idea for for over 10 years. Perhaps I can motivate
my self to get on with it. I've always liked fantasy and this book is off that ilk. Sword, sorcery and lots of other goodies. I need to do something to occupy myself too avoid this damned monkey.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Another poem, I'm finding this quite therapeutic writing these. Even though the ever present sad nature.

Goodbye,

Now my love our time has passed,

Our beating hearts made of glass,

We’ve travelled our road for many a mile,

Long ago your face shone with smile.

A touch or glance quickened our hearts,

In the mists of life our unity did part,

A passion, a heat began to wane,

Life's routine took over again and again,

A forgotten fire became mum and dad,

An obscured love increasingly sad,

Responsibilities veil became our truth,

As we led our babies towards their youth.

You leave a void that will never fill,

My screaming heart so hoarse and shrill,

Your warmth and touch forever lost,

Our roles and choices bear such a cost,

Now my love our road does fork,

New paths and roads we must walk,

Forevermore I’ll dream of your face,

Your wonder, beauty and feminine grace.

A bond of life eternal we share,

As hands caress our shared loves hair,

A girl, a boy will blossom and grow,

Allowing our love to always flow.

Our children's roads will feed our souls,

Offering small shelter from these  gaping holes,

For you I will always yearn,

The torch I hold will always burn.

Now my love we must say goodbye,

Unbidden, tears return to my eyes,

True happiness, one day you will surely find,

An eternal place you’ll hold in my heart and mind.

Mike Shaw 2016

Ciao for now

Hello,

I actually slept a full night last night, 'twas heaven. It's good to know I'm coming through the other side. It's certainly been long enough. Had some good feedback about my poem, thanks everyone who +1'd and a special thanks to Leanne. I thought about writing some more, just struggling to pick a topic or idea. I want to lean away from negativity, that being said perhaps it's the emotion which leads to good work.

I'm open to suggestions.

Perhaps it's impossible to write poetry for someone else idea but I'll give it a bloody good go. There are lots of topics that are current in the world right now. This could be fun, it could also be a complete wash out but it's gotta be worth a try right? Please feel free to message me with any ideas.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well since I left rehab, services have pretty much left me hanging. So much for delivering the same programme as secondary in the community. One word BULLSHIT, oh well that's up to them. It gives me time to pack up the house and make arrangements for the big changes ahead. Funny really going back to my old stomping ground but fortunately only know a few old heads. Just as well, using dreams and thoughts have started to surface. It's almost as if my subconscious knows I'm nearly out the other side and wants to tempt me back in. An insidious beast addiction, I realise I must never become complacent again. It wouldn't take much to lose it again but that's not for me, too long in the tooth for the chaos that comes with that. However what I do need is a job, fed up being skint and stuck in all the time. Sure I've had a day out but that was hard graft.

It also looks like drug and alcohol policy is changing and support will be for extreme cases only. The new policy is being snuck through without any consultation from the service users/providers etc.

Just one article that mentions the new strategy:

http://www.release.org.uk/blog/outlook-bleak-drug-policy-2016

Kind regards, stay safe.

Ciao for now

#addiction # drugpolicy #healthandsocialcare #heroin #criminalise #recovery #treatment #blog

Hello,

Heavenly Triggers by Mike Shaw 2016

Sat in misery pondering my life,
What did I do to deserve such strife,
Family are leaving, once more I walk alone,
How do I remove myself from this lonesome throne.

The sense of grief for my eternal mistress,
Perhaps I could have just one more kiss,
Fall into her embrace just one last time,
Her filthy love full of tears and grime.

Beauty is lost, no more do I love the sunshine,
Could life be found in just one more line,
It's not giving in, to myself I easily lie,
It's just one time perhaps I'll give it a try.

Struck by fear and a hopeless malaise,
If this choice is made, my life will raze,
Angel and Devil whisper in my ears,
Reinforcing my ever present fears.

The Angel was strongest, today I choose light,
Perhaps my future could be bright,
I take a breath and wait for the next debate,
Hoping next time I can choose my own fate.

Ciao for now


#poem #trigger #relapse #addiction #life #spokenword #recovery #drugs #substancemisuse #hope #love #hate

Hello,

Well sleep has decided to become elusive again, it's like trying to catch a balloon that bounces from your fingertips. Sinking towards you over and over only to bounce back up again every time. Still I'm getting watch lots of TV shows, thankfully I have access to box sets on Sky TV. Currently working my way through Deadwood, what a great show. There is something appealing about the simplicity of the old west. All you had to do was survive, no conforming to the rat race, men were men and pansies were flowers ;-).

Things are changing daily here at the Ranch, my partner could leave at any time taking both the kids, I'm really confused and just don't know where I stand. I've decided I can't hang on her decision any more, I need to take action for myself and build my life back up. If I spend the next 6, 12 or 18 months waiting to see if she wants to reconcile, how will that benefit my self esteem and self respect? I suspect it won't. While it still hurts to think about living apart from the family it is becoming easier. I only hope I don't get caught up in single life and am able to give my children as much time as I can. My stepfather left and never saw my sister again, being her biological father this had a massive impact on her and still does to this day even though it's been nigh on 30 years. I wouldn't want to inflict that on my children, assuming they wanna spend time with me. As they are getting older friends have a taken on a more important role. I guess we will have to see how things work out. I just need some certainty, one day I'm caring for my daughter while she finishes school, the next day I'm not...confused.com.

So I think it's time for me to "ramble on, the time is now and nows the time to sing my song...."

For those celebrating mothers days have a good one.

Ciao for now

Morning,

Moving a friend yesterday was good, enjoyed getting out. Lovely place, picturesque setting, great to see them both again. Realise how unfit I have got though, perhaps I need to get more excercise.feel like an old man today lol. My mood I'd still low, struggling to engage with family, I know I'm pushing them away but seem unable to get my shit together. The time they leave has been moved forward and I'll be left with a rundown house to sort out. Plans have changed and my daughter doesn't want to stay here now. That's ok though they need to do what's best for them. I can see how people walk away from everything and end up on the streets with absolutely no motivation. For the first time in my life I am truly apathetic and just can't seem to muster any interest in life or mental strength. Services have been pants messing naltrexone script up and not providing any psychosocial interventions at all. 3 weeks in and no sign of the promised counselling, or indeed any real support. It's no wonder success rates in recovery are low. I can only hope this is a malaise that will pass.

Please forgive the barrage of negativity but I have to keep this blog real.

Ciao for now

Hello,

So the relationship turned violent, I at times received quite serious injury. She tipped a full wardrobe on me when I was asleep one night. Tried to chop my head of with a sword, all sorts went on. Following 3 years of dysfunction and absolutely no intimacy I was ready to leave. I had given my best to the relationship and stuck it out for as long as I could. At the time I had be reducing from a drug called Subutex (Buprenorphine). Despite the chaotic life I was doing ok, this was to be the beginning of my 8 year period of abstinence from Opiate's. I met my current wife (potentially ex), we had known each other for a while but had never spoken of our fondness for each other. Well on the first night we decided to build a life and have kids, the whole 9 yards. Crazy you might say but it worked we were happy for a good few years, until my recent period of relapse. Sure the intimacy waned as we became mum and dad worked long hours and settled into the rat race of life. However we we were always best friends and on the same wavelength. Sadly I let my own stuff become dominant again, however unknown it was a that time. Once again drugs and alcohol began to impact our lives.

I now sit here thinking, shit how does this keep happening, unfortunately I know the answer but struggle to accept it. In 3 months when my daughter finishes her school year I will be back to one room God only knows where, my son and his mum are leaving in 6 weeks so she can start her new job and life. He gets to go to a school that can really help him and his grandma will be there to help him with homework, which historically has been a battle. I suppose I must be thankful that ultimately the only person left out on the cold following my relapse will be me, maybe rightly so.

Using dreams were vivid last night, including the death of someone I care about, very strange night but at least it meant I got actual sleep. Just as well as today I help my best friend move home today. He is an inspiration to me even though he is around 15 years my junior. My only regret is that I haven't been emotionally available for him for a couple of years now due to my own stuff.

Ciao for now

Hello,

As you may have noticed I have changed the title of this blog. This is to recognise my progress in recovery and not to focus on the Heroin Addict, although he must never be forgotten. Not quite as evocative but on point all the same.

A little more of my history:

When I was 25 I had been working as a roofer for several years. We landed a large contract replacing all the Facias and soffitts on one particular estate. Over the first couple of weeks I noticed an older women watching us work a lot. I thought nothing of it until one day she approached me and asked if I wanted coffee. I gratefully accepted, from this point on she made us lovely coffee 3/4 times a day. Even when we were working way past her flat. After four weeks we were due to finish the contract, on the last day, I was taking back the cups when she suddenly kissed me, in a very deep and passionate way. Although this women was 15 years my senior I was quite taken by her. She asked if I wanted to come round one evening and I agreed. However my life being what is was, my dedication to my drug use didn't allow me the time to visit. Before I knew it 3 weeks had passed and I hadn't seen her. Walking past a local pub one Sunday lunchtime after leaving my dealers I heard my name called. Confused I stopped turned round and there she was. We had a drink and a long chat, she invited me home. I had told her everything from the off, my addiction, the fact I lived in a damp bed sit and that I didn't have anything to offer but myself. She told me that was enough, within 3 days I was living with her and her 7 year old daughter. Within a year we were married. The first 3 years were great, however alcohol soon crept into our lives. I had stopped using Heroin at this point but was maintaining with super strength lager. 4 tins every night after work. She was hitting the wine, she became increasing violent when we argued and I had to fend her off several times. By this time I was using again.....

More tomorrow, ciao for now