Just a little food for thought. Any feedback opinions would be welcome.
The Lie We Live

Source: http://youtu.be/ipe6CMvW0Dg

Its quite scary if all true.

Hello,

Its now 3:25am and I am utterly wide awake the leg cramps are starting to subside but sleep is not happening. In only 6 hours my children will be here with their mum to collect me. Looks like they are going to find a braindead zombie waiting for them. This insomia nightmare is getting old now. How on earth did my support team believe I would be through the withdrawal in such a short time. This is a living hell i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I must also never forget how dire this is getting. On a positive note I have had some great sentiment and good wishes from all my peers here. There are some great people here and I look forward to staying in contact if they also stay free from addiction. There is a potential job waiting for me and i look forward to being self sufficient again. This is the longest night by far during this detox. I actually think I wont be getting a wink of shut eye. She's as demanding lover this lady heroin and likely to ruin and trick people into her insidious, hypnotic ways.
I suppose at some point extreme exhaustion must force me to gain some much needed sleep.
Its the uncertainty of not knowing how long I will be sleep deprived. At least if had a rough timeframe I could prepare accordingly but as everyone is different it could be a long time. To top it off I've contracted a cold too. I guess it really only pours but never rains. I may be insane soon if this doesnt break.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Another night of severe cramps and little sleep. I must remember these times and use the memeories to reinforce my committment to change. I go home tomorrow, albeit a very unsettled home full off uncertainty. Yet again another consequence of my using. I will i could bottle this misery and sell it so people could experience the worst of it before ever using. May be a good deterrent, unfortunately a lot of people i have spoken to werent aware of the destruction and pain addiction can cause. Awareness amd education has to be the way forward. How does one go about that though. I have written treatment plans in the past but never a preemptive plan. Would anyone destined for addiction really listen? Perhaps the only real way to gain the knowledge is too experience it. I like to think there is always a more enlightened approach if only it can found and circulated amongst young people. The thought of my children going through this or experimenting with drugs/alcohol is very scary for me and i'll will do my best to educate them as they approach adolescence. I must try and eat something. Have a good day, night or whatever stage of the day you are in.

Ciao for now  

Hello,

A big thanks to Leanne for my positive vibes. That was much appreciated. I feel ok at the moment but know that nightime is looming. I really hope the leg cramps start to imrove. I can cope with everything else but the legs cramps are indeed my kryptonite. There is lots of support in here and I am making the most of it. Tonight is the last night I'm allowed any quinine, I'm sure the dr here is experienced enough to know roughly how long the half life of Methadone is. That being said it must be different for everybody as we are all individual. I just hope that tonight is a little kinder to me. Its quiz night tonight so at least i can excerise my brain a bit. I hope everyone who reads this blog is doing ok. If not getting support is actually the easiest road although it may seem the hardest at the moment for you. Stay strong every one and stay safe.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well sleep is an elusive friend, my legs are cramping beyond anything I have exerienced before. The nurse here game me some quinine but sadly that hasn't helped. I couldn't sit or lay in one position for more than 10 minutes at a time before having to move from the cramps and the pain. I have 48 hours till I go home. I really hope this breaks before then. I'm in a safe environment here with lots of support. Out there in the big bad world, I'll be under my own reconnaissance. Although I will have support from family to a degree and regular groups, I still fear the deep, dark, lonely and painful nights. These are full off dicomfort and desperation, I found myself walking the halls, trying to read, massaging my legs. All to no avail. I have to be strong, I am commited to my recovery, its just old anxieties imposing themselves on me. I find myself feeling a little better having blogged about the dramas. It is quite therapeutic putting it down in words. I must remeber these miseries when having any using thought. I must remember to tell myself "Bullshit" when the "I can have just one" Syndrome rears it's ugly, insipid head. Well please send me some positive vibes over the next few days.

Ciao for now.

Hello,

I'm 2 days away from discharge. Its a real shame as our open group is really starting to perform now. Theres real trust building and sharing my story has had a domino effect and a few other group members have shared some real deep stuff. Obviously group is a confidentil environment so thats all I can say. I can only hope that the groups I engage with in the community will be as productive. I'm apprehensive attended groups in my local service as a lot of the people are still active. I suspect N/A may be better with complete abstinence and real continuity.  Well hopefully anyway, also having a sponsor and eventually becoming a sponsor would benefit me. The flipside of being discharged on Saturday is I get to play xbox with my son and spend some good quality time with all my famil. Not forgetting my little doggies of course. Its gonna be a mad month to come as not only have i group to do but I have to try to sort out my house and try to sell it before it is repossessed. Well I suppose I have to accept responsibility for my choices and actions which have brought me here. I say suppose as I am also carrying a lot of resentment now I have aknowledge the abuse. Why should any of them have a normal successful life when they took 35 years from me. It somehow just doesnt seem fair.  Especially as the leader of the 5 lads and the first is married to a good friend from school, amd seems to have a great life. Its just not fair, however the fallout from an official complaints seems pointless as it was so long ago.

Anyway I must go am struggling this all at the mo.

Ciao for now

Hello,

I actually did it, I disclosed to the group today. It was raw, emotional but on the flipside its like a weight has been lifted. There were a surprising amount of people in the group that have had similar experiences as children. While that was great and made me realise I am not alone it was also saddening that so many children are subjected to abuse of one kind or another. Sexual and Violent being the main theme in here. I remember about 4 years or so ago the stats were that 1 in 6 children in britain are subjected to some form of abuse. However beautiful the world is it seems that mankind can make it pretty dark at times. Oftentimes young people leave home prematurly for various reasons. There is a video a friend of mine has made with the Healthy Living Project which can help raise awareness, if you have some a few minutes to spare please read:

https://youtu.be/QL-EunZaNO4

Thanks,

Ciao for now

Hello,

I'm in a bad way today, there is a bug doing the rounds here in the Rehab. A few people have had it but it seems to last only a day or two. Suffices to say ouchy mumma. I have decided to do an assignment in group tomorrow about the abuse I exerienced when I was 8. Its been hard writing it and very emotional. My councellor has suggested, if I'm able, to share with group. This fills me with dread but I know I have to get it out and really own it. It wasn't my fault but was done to me. That being said I have hidden it for so long that breaking that behavior pattern is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. Following the initial disclosure to my counsellor it felt quite liberating and empowering. That being said I have realised that these behaviours are firmly ingrained. I have a school photo of my children with me, my son is basically mini me and it breaks my heart to think that when I was that age I did 't have anyone I could tell, and would subsequently suffer in silence for 35 years. Clearly I have a lot of therapy and work to do in the community. He's a year older than I was when I was raped by 5 older boys. I just could't imagine him going through something like that, hes just like me a sensitive soul. The only difference is that I was the first born and he was the second. There is a theory that te first born child is generally more resilient than subsequent siblings.

 https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=5dCOxdgAAAAJ&hl=en

Quite interesting theory also states first born are more attractive and intelligence. I suppose they get more off both parent before other siblings are born. Nurture at its best.

Hello,

Struggling this evening, the impending medicine free day is looming. I feel the stretches, yawns, stomache cramp, headache, backache, sneezing, runny nose and of course the obligatory diarrhoea. Probably too much info but this blog is all about realism in recovery. Hopefully i might get some sleep tonight. A few of us watch Django Unchained last night that was a welcome distraction and a great film. My heads battered but I'm staying strong. I get to go back to my home town on Saturday and am really looking forward to seeing my kids. My son has made me promise we'll play xbox all day Saturday and Sunday I shall watch movies with my daughter and cook a full english dinner with her. She loves helping me in the kitchen, bless her she is 11 going on 20 and desperate fo her independence. My son on the other hand couldn't give a monkey's, as long as his xbox works he's content. Might visit the local pool hall too or take dogs down the beach.

I hope I feel better by then, it wont be much fun if i have to stay within 20 meters of a toilet at all times. There is also a bug sweeping through the house, I expect to get that too. Had some very vivid using dreams and woke up terrified I'd relapse. This is a good thing I believe it just highlights how I dont want to bo back to the madness. I briefly considred getting a few beers but soon put that idea to bed. If I use anything I am just keeping the back door open. Anyway that enough of my tattle for now.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well today has dragged a bit, I've been plodding round like a zombie. Tired and a little uncertain but still positive. I get dishcarged next saturday. Its been empowering to aknowledge the abuse I experienced as a child. I understand its really early days and that i will somehow have to seek more counselling but I have taken the first and most difficult step. I am starting to see a future again and actually have a 5 year plan and aspirations. I long for the simple things in life. The true pleasures, music, family, good food, socialising the list could go on and on. When I think back I have always had to seek intoxication for pleasure as well as blocking out painful emotions. I still havent recieved the poem but am sure it will be sent any time now. I look forward to sharing its very insightful and written by a long term addict. Who following 26 years of use is now in recovery. He has been a real inspiration too me in here. In fact all my peers have they are a good bunch it looks like I came in just at the right time. By the time I leave I will actually have a few days totally medication free. I admit I am scared but I am also ready for life.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well its been a roller coaster the last couple of days. I will be completely drug free in 1day. My dotox is nearly over. Thats a miracle in itself. I am beginning to retrain my brain to experience my emotions rather than suppress them, how Alien that will be. I have some good CBT based techniques to use. When I trained as a counsellor i didnt reckon much to CBT but actually it has immense potential with addiction and PTSD. I would really reccomend that anybody who feels they are ready for change seeks out a psychosocial intervention. Its never too late to make change, however i do also realise that when a person is in the madness they may not see that there is hope. I suppose its the reason only a small percentage of addicts make change.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well today has been a real emotional roller coaster. Firstly i attended an open group with some real emotional shares. Then i had to read out a letter of introduction. That was particularly hard as it was like an brief life story. It was tough reading out the progression of my heroin addiction and how I have actually lost every thing I hold dear. However once read it was also very cthartic. I then attended what called creative writing. I naively thought it would be about improving literacy skills, oh how I was mistaken. I had to choose a word and then write about how this word has effected me and how it can benefit me. I chose the word "acknowledgment". I basically realised that I have to learn to aknowledge the abuse I was subjected too. Also and perhaps more importantly how the lack of aknowledgement has supported the suppression of bad memeories/feeling. I need use a CBT model to retrain my way of thinking regarding the abuse. I know this may sound a bit "fluffy" but actually it is really working. I would reccomend that anyone with addiction problems seek treatment and counselling. We only get one life and I now realise I have wasted probably half of it.

Ciao for now

Hello,

The last couple of days have been very emotional. My counsellor has set me the task of using the word abuse instead of trauma. I've buried and suppressed it for so long that this is a monumental task. In fact this is the first time I have done this. I spent so long suppressing it that it was almost like it happened to someone else. So in an attempt to bring it out into the open I am going to disclose it on here. Its taken 2 days to build up to this and I think I am ready.

When I was 8 I agreed to break into the local primary school playground with 5 older lads from my estate.It all seemed like fun before we got in. I was soon to find out they actually had a much darker agenda. The Playground had an area that couldnt be seen from anywhere and this is where we went. Once out of sight from the rest of the world they turned nasty. The ring leader told the other four to hold me down. One by one they raped me. I felt so ashamed and like it was my fault. So much so I didn't tell another living sole until 2 days ago. For as long as I can remember I have buried this and in some respects was still an 8 year old boy. I must now process this and learn it wasn't my fault, it was done to me and not done by me. I must leave it there as I am finding it difficult again.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Today has been hard, I finally disclosed to another person a trauma I had as a child. It was in a 1-1 session with my in house counsellor. Not sure why today was the right time but after 36 years I have finally shared. It was a massive relief and my counsellor pointed out that it wasn't my fault and the shame and self loathing I feel is normal. She has recommended that from this moment on I try to recognise when these feelings are rising and that I find a new way of dealing with them. In essence to be kind to myself rather than blame myself. This is a CBT based approach and I feel it could, in time help me. When I think back I always assumed my drug taking was a symptom of my environment and the parental encouragment and that the anxiety/shame i felt was due to my drug taking. I had spent so many years burying what had happened that I never associated my self medicating with the earlier trauma. The worst of all this is that the guy who perpetrated the trauma is now married to one of my old school friends and has a great life and a lovely family. This i didnt know until i reconnected with her on facebook 6 years ago. When I think back this preceded my relapse by a matter of months. Slowly but surely all the pieces are starting to fit together. This being 1 in a series of events which triggered my vulnerability and eventual relapse. I was 8 when it happened and he was about 5-6 years older than me. Its no wonder i was ripe for addiction. Man this is one hell of a journey of self discovery. I need to find who I an and start to be kind to myself.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Stuggling today sleep never blessed me with her presence last night. Methadone is going down 5 mls daily. Starting to really feel it now. I knew this would come and have experienced withdrawal many times before.  This time however I am not alone and can actually talk to someone when the monkey is really clawing at my back. Tour de france has been playing havoc with my legs so I think i am going to request some quinine tonight. It certainly helps with the leg cramps (tour de france). Stomache cramps are letting me know that full blown cluck is in the post. However when i think of all I have to gain from beating my addiction these complaints are small. I long for a normal life again with all the simple things being the most pleasurable. When in addiction I tend to lose sight of the simple things. Complicating everything with the everpresent preoccupation of addiction. I can feel a bout of D and V coming on and hope for a moments respite at some point today. Still no funding for secondary treatment. It looks like 2 days after my last dose of Methadone I am to be sent home. How is this fair i have worked and paid taxes most of my adult life. Sorry for being maudling today but want to embrace brutal honesty. Have a good Saturday every blinking peeps.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Another emotional day in the cuckoo's nest. Very tearful group this morning, sharing a day in my using life. Great bunch of people here and very supportive. The counsellors are also very good. I found out today that this is the only rehab where phones/pads are allowed. Just as well really or I wouldn't be able to blog. I find this therapeutic having an extra outlet. This along with my journal and groups are really aiding my personal development. For the last 12 years 4 of them in relapse I was convinced I knew it all ergo no one could help me. How conceited and in denial I was. You would think as a trained drug and alcohol counsellor I would have known better.  I suppose that highlights how delusional addiction can make a person. Well I am humbled by my peers, the hardship and horrifying situations some of them have had to face make me realise, actually my life isnt that bad. Yes from an early age I was thrown into the culture of drugs and alcohol but I have always had a certain resillience and for most part functioned.  I miss my family dearly but am able to facetime them daily. Well I reckon its time for a bath, a read then with a bit of luck some sleep. I'm slowly improving my sleep hygiene. Well have a good Friday one and all.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well group was interesting today. Very emotional, very insightful. Its funny how I used to facilitate groups for others but now find myself as a client. I am realising that i should have  treatment years ago. How my life could have been different. However i think to dwell on it would have been can be counter productive. It really does have power though sharing, being heard, listening and engaging. I found a poem today that i would like to share with you.

No one seems to know who penned the original version of this but there are a lot of variants on the original, this being one if the closest to source i could find:


So now little man you've grown tired of grass
All that damn acid, that cocaine and hash.
And someone pretending that he is your friend
Said "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin".

Well honey before you start fooling with me
Just let me tell you of how it will be.
For I will seduce you and make you my slave
Believe me I've sent srtonger men to their grave.

You think you could never become a disgrace
Then end up addicted to poppy seed waste.
You'll start by experimenting one afternoon
And end up asleep in my arms very soon.

The once I have entered deep in your veins
The craving will drive you nearly insane.
You'll need lots of money as you have been told
For darling, I'm more expensive than gold.

You'll swindle your mother for just a buck
And turn into someone who's vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for the narcotic charms
Then feel so content when I'm in your arms.

The you'll realise the monster inside you has grown
And you'll solemnly swear to leave me alone.
But if you think that it's easy and that you've got the knack
The sweetie just try getting me off your back.

The vomit, the cramps, your gut in a knot
The jangling nerves screaming for just one more shot.
The hot chills, the cold sweat, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains.

So now you return (just as I foretold)
And I know that you'll give me your body and soul.
You'll give me your morals, your conscience, your heart
And now you are mine till death do us part.

Ciao for now

Hello,

First day in residential treatment done. 2 groups a 1-1 induction and some acupuncture later and so far its all hunky dory. I wonder why so much money is spent on weapons and foreign aid when there are so many people stuck in addiction that would really benefit from treatment. How many productive members of society have fallen by the wayside because the funding just isnt available. I know that using drugs is ultimately a life choice but there are always reasons people fall into addictive behaviours. No-one wants to be controlled by a substance or a behaviour.  Quite a few of my peers in here are highly intelligent and definately have something to offer. Its just a shame our economy is struggling. Its not just addicts who fall short, how about our soldiers that come home and receive a real lack in support. PTSD is a terrible thing to live with and where is their support. I know that soldiers will be seen to deserve help more that "junkie/druggies" but no one starts life that way, enviromental and emotional factors all comtribute to addiction and poor decision making. Do we as people really have the right to judge whose worthy of support and who isn't.

Anyway Rant over, catch up with you tomorrow. I must eat and then write my daily journal.

Ciao for now.

Hello,

I'm in, got a single room, very lucky it would seem. Lucky for anyone who would have shared with me, I snore like a beast. I've had my belongings and pockets searched, just in case i planned to bring anything in. I get do see a dr this afternoon to plan my detox. I wonder what true clarity will be like, even when i got clean before i stil drank and smoked cannabis frequently. This time i'm going for complete abstinence. It is for the best and as Russell Brand states the only real way to keep clean.


It seems quite nice here and i'm looking forward to finding myself again. The sun is shining and for today i feel very hopeful. I have been told to appeal for an extension here as 12 weeks is the usual time frame.

It's strange i still feel too ashamed to tell my mum i'm in relapse and now in rehab. How can that be when she sanctioned my using career, well everything but heroin. Because that drug is obviously different...oh its all kind of messed up. Perhaps my assigned counsellor will help me work through my historical baggage.

My son gave me his batman bobblehead and my daughter gave me her bracelet with her name on. Said bracelet is now hanging on batmans head. They are good kids, it breaks my heart to be leaving them, if only for a few weeks.

Ciao for now x

Hello,

I'm down to the final few hours with my family. As off 11am tomorrow i'm in residential detox city. 3 weeks to clear the methadone from my system, i've been using too. Knowing that this is the end of my drug using career has prompted some massive triggers for everything. Heroin, Alcohol, Cannabis. Strangely though the anxiety is stopping the desired effect from manafesting. Well rather than continue on this fruitless obsessive behaviour i'll let it go and enjoy my last evening with my family.

Reminds me off the day my mum was sectioned. She'd been living and driving around in a car  with no windscreen for 6 months. There was bin liners full of used needles in the car. Did i mention the 2 dogs also living in the car. Thats how we became homeless, her refusal to get rid off our dogs. To be fair they moved us in a flat with the dogs and 18 months later changed the rules. Well after 6 months she was a mess, as a result she got sectioned. 3 months she spent in residential. I remember visiting her daily. At least i am not locked away. Although maybe that would be better.

Ciao for now. Will blog when i can