Hello,

I've decided to knock my blog on the head. I feel a responsibility to blog everyday but I havent got the motivation. So in the interest of fairness and appropriate emdings I bid you all farewell.

Its been an interesting ride,
Blogging my life,
It has helped me through troubles,
I've started to build from the rubble.

Thank you for reading,
Receiving support i was needing,
Although my journey has just begun,
Its best if this blogging be done.

Abstinence is my goal,
Even though my ex-wife left a hole.
Today i'm confident and strong,
Will remain vigilant in case i am wrong.

My final little ditty lol.

Ciao for now

#goodbye #addiction #relapse #heroin #rehab #treatment #counselling #abuse #PTSD #anxiety #depression

Hello,

Good times today, I've got the kids for the weekend. Its stopped raining and everyone seems happy. Think a trip to the park is in order and some nice sofa cuddles and movies. Well as it turns out we found a massive park just round the corner from my mums. Lots of playing then home to make a tasty bolognese for dinner. I love my children so much, seeing them red faced and running about smiling really does lift my spirits. Its the simple things that really matter. Its so strange being back in my old manor. My daughter Freya is somehow doing musicly video's why playing in the park. They are pretty cool too.

Laughing smiling, happy children.
Flushed with fresh air and play.
Sliding, swinging in a big green garden.
Running, catching the sun ray by ray.

How quickly they make friends.
Lost to adults this skill.
Not to meet any ends.
Just for pure pleasure and thrills.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Today I became fully engaged with the local services. "Inclusion" a very apt name it would seem. Following my initial assessment on Monday I was seen today by my prescribing dr, whilst GP can prescribe Naltrexone a service has to prescribe longterm. The Dr I saw to day was a psychiatrist. He actually asked for a full history, recommended counselling straight away, groups he felt would suit my stage of recovery. He was very interested in the link between my abuse and the Chronic Anxiety, which has ultimately led to a life of self medication. Now I know counselling is actually available and not just mentioned occasionally, I feel I may at last be able to deal with the trauma if the abuse. It actually felt like I was receiving very professional treatment and service. What an absolute breath of fresh air, I feel a fresh glimmer of hope. What this does highlight for me is the stark contrast in services. My last area statistally had the highest amount of Opiate Dependants per Sq mile in the country at some point in the last 5 years. I wonder if there is a correlation here. Ultimately it'll boil down to funding and simply this area is clearly better funded.

On a related note the Nepalese drug of choice is Heroin/Opiates. There are high numbers of Nepalese in services. I wonder if this is a problem that cane with them. Possible I suppose taking into account Nepals geographical location, closer to source as it were.

Ciao for now

#opiate #heroin #addiction #blog #nepalese #drugtreatment #dependancy

Hello,

I thought I would share with my mum the abuse that happened when I was 8. I was tactful and asked if she would like to know what happened to me when I was 8, I got exactly the same response as I got from my exwife. Not wanting to know. Funny how things go, the 2 people i expected unconditional Love and support from didnt provide it. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from folk, I must remember that I haven't exactly provided them with much support over the last 5 years. I am however getting support from services, the new agency seems to have a lot more resources. I have only had 1 appt so far and counselling has been offered. Unable to attend some of the groups as my sibling and spouse go to them. Overall though I feel I'm able to move forward again. Its been a stagnant time for sure.

On another positive my kids are throughly enjoying their new school still, long may it continue. I've also had the opportunity to play some xbox one on my youngest sisters machine. What a great peice of kit. Probably should put getting one way down on my priority list but I love it. Its therapeutic and a fantastic distraction when feeling vulnerable, good for the sleepless times too. Theres only so much writing one cam do in a sitting.

There was a kidult from england,
Who found preventing relapse quite bland,
A game here and there did distract,
Its become quite a tool thats a fact,

Xbox is by far the best,
If I had one i'd give the poetry a rest.
Providing hours of non toxic fun,
Perhaps Microsoft could donate one.

Ciao for now

#relapseprevention #heroin #blog #xbox #support #abstinence #addiction #treatment #abuse #PTSD

Hello,

Well I've settled in ok at my mums. It was mice to have the kids stay with me overnight. There was lots of changing beds and shuffling about and stuff. Still it was nice. My daughter is finding it hardest, she misses me desperately as do i them. My son doesnt show his emotions so openly but the many squeezy cuddles tell me he's also missing me a lot. Its heartbreaking when I have to day goodbye.

If only i could bottle this misery and situation, give people a day of it, just 24 hours. It would deter a lot of people from making poor choices.

Experience the life, just for a day.
Friends and family fade away.
Teach them young, make them aware.
For if you use, this is how you'll fare.

Learn from others, living in pain.
See all they've lost and ne'er a gain.
Understand all this in a snapshot.
For if you ignore, that will be your lot.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well todays the day, I'm going to move back in with my mum. Will still be on a sofa but from time to time I can use a bed. If nothing else it will be nice to be able to provide her with some care at last. As previously mentioned my mum was a facilitator of my first drug experiences but is now completely drug free and elderly. My sister who is 22 now has been basically caring for our mum by herself, ai lived 160 miles away so I wasnt able to provide any real support. Its my turn now, my other sister is still very much in the throes of addiction and is unable to help all. Being severely bipolar she isnt really up to much, her meds dont leave her with much thinking power. I had some good news regarding my most important friend yesterday, his career is going from strength to strength. He may well be moving across the pond in the near future. In the midst of all my misery and woes there are still some bright lights that lift my spirits. On another positive the kids are helping me move to their nans today and are going to spend my first night with me. I forsee lots if cuddles and a movie, preceeded by a nice long walk around my old stomping ground. I have so much to show them, it will be great to spend some quality time together. I'll even cook them any dinner they choose, assuming they can agree in it without world war 3 ensuing. We can also talk about Monday its the first day in their new school, I can help ease their fears and I look forward to seeing them walk through the gates on the first day. The new uniforms are pretty cool.

Recovery is still going strong, long may it last.


Ciao for now

#addiction #recovery #moving #parenting #treatment #methadone #relocation #rehab #bloodyhashtag

Hello,

That was an interesting night, full of back pain and leg twitches. Soafing loafing when middle aged is an indurance sport. See how long I can take it before I have too seek an alternative sofa. Perhaps a change in discomfort will make it more interesting. On a positive note its my sons 10th birthday today and we are spending some time together. He got an Xbox one off his mum and grandma, he is over the moon. Unfortunately the updating process is taking quite some time, he's chomping at the bit. Patience is a virtue but not when you are 10 lol. Well off for a haircut and perhaps the 3gb update will be done by the time we finish. Its a lovely machine though, connected to the max. I can't believe my son has his own console and live account now. How time flies, before I know it they'll both be "all growed up". So far so good, they are both good kids, as biased as I am tis still true. Well at least for today I am safe and sound. The everpresent fear of relapse at this tumultuous time is wearing thin. Isn't life supposed to be amazing when in recovery, saying that if all the other areas of my life were sorted I suspect life would seem better. Must keep my chin up, my predilection for Doom and Gloom is risky, I must be mindful and positive.

Have a great day one and all.

Ciao for now

#relapse #addiction #birthday #blog #depression #heroin #methadone #treatment #rehab #hashtag

Hello,

Claustrophobic is the word for the day, i'm trapped by my lack of resources. Being a sunday this is highlighted even more. The friend I am staying with is on a bike run with his club, totally left to my own devices today. I have had a bath, done some washing so its not all doom and gloom. I have been talking to a couple of long term friends who drive for the local bus company. I'm thinking, I enjoy driving, chatting to everyday folk. Perhaps this is a job with some continuity for me. Its hard as I just wanted stuff my head in the sand and say "F*^k it all" but thats not an option. That road will lead ultimately lead to relapse. I'm determined to make it through the dark times, a full nights sleep would be nice but I know that will come. On a stranger note, my hometown has be taken over by nepalese folk. They seem really pleasant but are prolific, i've been told that they make up 20% of the local populace, it seems more. I think this is because they are mountain folk who like to walk so they are  more visible. I have no problem with this its just a strange contrast to adjust too. Well thats me, lost and fighting.

Ciao for now.

#recovery #rockbottom #dependance #heroin #relocation

Hello,

Well homeless, skint and emotionally distraught. Somehow I am staying clean though. Stopping on a friends sofa for a bit so at least I have shelter and food. From here the surely the only way can be up. Look for work on Monday, will have to go and live with my mum shortly. Thats going to be a doozy but as yet is the only real option. Strangley leaving the house wasnt emotional at all, it was only leaving the children that was. Perhaps that is a reflection of how unhappy I truly was there. Its time to set goals, work hard(both job and book). Got to become someone my children and myself can be proud of.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well this is it, the last night under the same roof as my children. For now anyway. As soon as I am able to get a suitable place I will have them over to stay as often as work / ex wife permits. I've been doing some serious thinking this last 24 hours and realise that, yes, I am being seperated from my family but in the long run I'm getting a reasonably good side of the deal. For the most part I will be getting all ths positives from the kids, fun times, trips out and sleep overs. Whilst I would be happy to be part of everything I suspect I wont be part of all the tears and misery. I understand this is a very self centered and mercenary way of looking but I need to cling on to any positives I can find right now. If I can look to the future with a brighter outlook I can actually make it through this situation unscathed.

I've made a start on a kids book I've decided to write. I'm up to chapter four and so far its pretty good, the ideas are coming thick and fast. The whole story will  definitely fill a trilogy, maybe even more. The kids have even got involved, my son saw I was struggling to find a good name for a Coven Queen (obviously a powerful and dark witch). When I described her to him in detail and briefly covered her role in the story he sat thinking for a bit and said "How about Magda Blackworthy?". I was totally impressed it fits her character perfectly. The tale also has Vampires and right now I'm struggling to name their homeland. I've set the kids to task and they are having a think, it would be great for them both to have a large amount of input. After all the books will be aimed at their age group and slightly older. If anyone reading this can think of names for Witches (male and female), Vampires (again both sexes) and their homelands it would be greatly appreciated. If the book do get published and obviously thats a big if, credits to anyone making suggestions would be forthcoming and clearly named in the thank you section. Please either comment or message/email me with any suggestions, please use recoveryblog2211@gmail.com

Well i look forward to hearing from anyone. Hopefully more interaction than the whole poetry flop lol

Ciao for now

#writing #recovery #vampires #witches #magic #heroin #blog #seperation #relapseprevention #recovery

Hello,

Freaking out now, a few short days till i'm solo again. I got to be honest i'm not to confident about my safety when left to my own devices. Especially as the emotional trauma will be rough. I just want to roll the clock back 5 years and not relapse. One can dream. I've fallen back into the habit of suppressing everything when it gets too much to bear. This also frightens me as that behaviour led me into addiction in the first place. I can only fight and do my best to stay free and build my life again. Perhaps once the break has been made and I've ridden the preverbial storm I can make some progress. As mentioned in an earlier blog i'm just stuck in limbo at the moment. As for health concerns i am well and truly doing the ostrich with those at the moment. Just cant deal, even though i do know that this should come first and foremost. What a mess. Thanks Leanne x

My thoughts go out to all the lost lives and families affected in Pakistan. The world is falling into madness.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Spending a nice evening with the kids, snuggled up watching corny old horror movies. Nothing too scary just corny lol. I need to spend as much time as I can with them this weekend. From Wednesday we'll be living apart. I'm really scared, the thought of not seeing them everyday is is intensley daunting. Add that to the constant reminders from my ex wife that my family wasn't enough for me and I still chose drugs and alcohol. If only it was that simple, if only I could turn back the clock. Would I be able to make healthy choices if given the a do over. I like to think I would but (and its a big but), addiction is a very real, insidious beast. So many years of dependance and emotional suppression I really don't know if I would. Thats a real hard pill to swallow, knowing how broken I truly am. If it was as simple as making healthy choices for loved ones and positive reasons I guess there wouldnt be such a small percentage of people who make permanent change and beat addiction. Unfortunately the majority of people I know don't seem to grasp this concept. The rumour mill has also been running its course as lots of other parents at the school have been throwing me filthy looks or blatantly blanking me. As wednesday approaches panic is surfacing, my old friend anxiety is making an appearance. I suspect I'm due for a meltdown, if I can just keep myself safe perhaps I can ride the storm and get back to a productive healthy life. I'm still waiting for test results but in all honesty am burying my head in the sand at the moment. I just cant deal with that too. Well back to the kids and another movie.

 Ciao for now

Hello,

I bumped into a dealer today, he was like a shark. Spotted me and homed straight in for the kill. I felt such immense fear it was overwhelming. The sheer cascade of emotions in those few moments were like a kaleidoscope. "I'm on he said, what do you need" to myself I thought "a bloody big hole in the ground that can swallow me up". What i actually said was "er er er nothing, I'm clean". I'm still quite amazed that I manage to quell the massive triggers and cravings the whole situation brought on. I must of seemed like a dithering idiot going into some sort of seizure. Stumbling over my word, walking away a little to quickly with uncontrolled jerky movements. Even though I told him I was now clean he still carried on with normal spiel "do u want my number in case you change your mind", "are you sure its banging kit", "I can do you 3 bags for 25". Amazing that because when I was seeing him daily there were never any consessions or cheaper deals available. As I walked away, tge further I got the more the urge to turn around and say "oh go on then". This very real sense of panic and urgency came over me, all the good times flashing back to mind. Funnily enough none of the times I was ill came back to me. Sometimes our own brains can be our own worst enemy. As I sit here now I feel proud if myself for saying no. I do however expect a night of using dreams and another rough morning. Man I can't wait to be away from here and having a fresh start. New beginnings and all that.


Ciao for now

Hello,

24 hours in and I may have to do away with my ex mother in law. Incessant chatter when I'm not really very talkative at the mo. Not sure about every one else but it seems to me that in laws/grand parents etc, seem to think they know whats best for every one elses life. I've been firmly told today exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing with my life and the house. Ahhhhh its driving me insane. Granted I may not have made the most healthy of choices up until now but I am 43 and have so far survived. Perhaps my tolerance has lessened now that my relationship with her daughter is over. Its a shame I wasn't consulted when my ex arranged for her to come down for our last 10 days in the house. As predicted I am being wasteful as I'm not keeping everything that belongs to me/us. Never mind the fact I have no storage or any way of moving a large amount of stuff. Again it feels like I am spouting pure negativity but at the moment there doesn't seem to be a lot of positives going on. I must remember its only 10 days and I'm sure once I'm on my own I would be glad of the company, even if it is eccentric company provided by a frosty ex and a mad little irish lady. Once again thought spring unbidden to mind, perhaps I could just have a little go. Frenzied distraction has been replaced by a long slow arduous torture. All this being said, I remain safe and am being polite. Fortunately I have never been very direct and I'm sure that wouldn't go down too well in the current situation. I will report more shenanigans tomorrow upon my return from Hospital.

Ciao for now.

Hello,

Made good progress on the house today, nearly cleared all the junk/recyclables. All my stuff is packed. Its been a ferocious battle of distraction and triggers today. It would seem when I stop and give myself time to think the preverbial monkey starts to make his/her weight felt on my back. I must have looked like a mad man keeping myself busy with as little pause as possible. As i've said before the mind is an amazing thing and addiction is a cunning, insidious beast. I had another bout of using dreams last night so the morning wasn't a great start. This time of limbo is definitely leaving me somewhat vulnerable, however my awareness of these processes are for now keeping me safe.

Monday is fast approaching when I go for some more tests and will hopefully have some answers. I feel like its pointless thinking to far ahead at this time. However I also realise i need to have goals and a plan to keep moving forward. On a plus side I have been revisiting some of my all time favourite tunes today. Lynryd Skynryd, Guns and Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Whitesnake, Black Sabbath, Creedence Clearwater Revival its all been going off. I'm sure my neighbours will be glad to see the back of me with all the rock thats been blaring out. The music however is great for helping me maintain a frantic frenzy of distraction. So I leave you with one of my all time favourites, this one always lifts my spirits.

http://youtu.be/bleruLKFcZE

Have a good Saturday one and all.

Ciao for now.

#recovery #triggers #cravings #distraction #moving #addiction #music #rock #life #healthcare

Hello,

Its weird how life goes, get into recovery, fight for freedom and life just to have a pile of shite thrown at you. Its feeling like all I post in my blog is negative stuff. All I can say is I'm really grateful for you guys still reading my blog and listening to my woes. So at the risk of repeating myself lets list the negatives.

1) Marriage is over and kids are leaving with Mum.
2) House it at risk of repossession, unless by some miracle I sell quickly.
3) Homeless when I relocate to be near kids.
4) Unemployed now and post relocation.

If those weren't enough to deal with there is now a number 5.

5) I may have throat Cancer.

I mean really how can one person be so unlucky, I have no idea how I haven't hit the prevebial F*#k it button. 2 weeks ago I was contemplating suicide, lack of sleep and pain was more than I could take.  Now I have to face a barrage of tests, a potentially life threatening illness and god only knows what else. I'm a firm believer in Karma and for the life if me I can't think what I have done to deserve this. I would have thought 1-4 were Karma enough but really Cancer. My brain and emotions are done. Just when I was clearing a drawn out Methadone rattle, bang this rears its ugly head. To top it all off I can't have any decent pain management because of my history. I need some serious help from somewhere, I'm faltering with nowhere to turn. Right about now the oblivion intoxication would offer sounds appealing. However being on Naltrexone that is also off the table. A raging battle of Angel and Devil is going on in my head. Once again I'm spouting negativity, you never know I may have some real positive news one day.

Ciao for now.

#heroin #recovery #depression #health #help #cancer #methadone #lost #karma #relapse #despair

Hello,

Today has been a relatively easy day, packing and clearing house. All very mundane really, just what I need a return to the normalcy of life. Can't wait to get way, especially as the ex mother in law has decided to spend the last 2 weeks here. Not really what I wanted but I wasn't consulted. Never mind, as long as she doesn't start going through the stuff I'm throwing out/recycling for her hoarding all will be well. "Well you might need it one day"... I'm pretty sure I won't. If it's in the pile it's redundant. Also I have to be ruthless as I'll be homeless for the first few weeks, don't fancy dragging to much from sofa to sofa. Gotta wait till house is sold or repossessed before I am entitled to any sort of help with accommodation. In th event I do make something on the house then I can at least find somewhere quicker. It's quite pricey in that part of the country, around 6/700 quid for one room. I'm sure it will all come good in the end though, new beginnings and all that.

Tis a funny old game, what I must ensure is that I'm able to see the munchkins and that I don't let the emotions become an excuse or trigger. It's all too easy to wallow in self pity, I must refrain from this. Perhaps services in the new area will be more available and groups more accessible. Well that's it for today, hope you all are having a good day/night.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well life is a veritable roller coaster, and today I made arrangements to put my house on the market. This is a last ditch attempt to avoid bankruptcy and make something of a poor situation. My ambivalence has been clearly evident around this and I did just want to walk away. I couldn't see a way out but as I have cleared the rooms and the house has become more visible in its own right, selling has seemed more possible. I've also had some good advice from a friend who said selling the house myself is always the better option. What I do know is that the longer I stay in this town the more at risk I am, I can't keep locking myself away to avoid the barrage of triggers and cravings. Unfortunately the drug scene in this lovely, quaint seaside town is rife. There are dealers on every corner and each trip out is a stark reminder of my relapse and unhealthy choices that I made. I long for a fresh start, my home town has changed a lot in the last 11 years and I am unaware of any dealers. That being said I realise if I really wanted to use I could no doubt find it but having the fresh start will strengthen my resolve. I have 14 days living with my children and then my new life begins. I can't wait to be away from here but am sad I won't see my kids every day. It's truly a double edged sword.

I am finding some comfort in writing poetry and have some good ideas for a set of kids books.  If only I can't motivate myself to finish them, I'm not looking for success or wealth just stability and comfort. If the only kids that read my books are my own that would suffice. The lack of support from local services has been shocking, it would seem the complaint I put in to the Care and Quality Commision regarding the abusive practice of one of my previous employers is still biting me in the backside. It just goes to show how whistle blowing and doing the right thing may be better for the clients but can have long and far reaching ramifications for the person putting in the complaint.

Ciao for now

#relapse #loss #blog #relocation #triggers #cravings #poetry #lonely #SMART

Hello,


Apologies for the blank blog, I'm not an Adele impression just having some browser issues. ;-) I actually slept a real sleep last night, the ongoing issues and exhaustion finally led to a full shut down with actual sleep. Yep thats right actual sleep it was "Totes Amazeballs". So onwards and upwards, i intend to ride this wave of positivity for as long as possible. So with that in mind I sit in the sunshine drinking coffee and blogging. Looks like we are in for another warm bright day in good old blighty. How inconsistent the weather is these days, there are definitely big changes afoot. Not only on a personal level but also a political level. Will we stay in Europe, will we go? Will the NHS survive? Will our economy survive? What will happen to all the immigrants/refugees? The world is full of uncertainty at the moment. Sadly it wouldn't surprise me if there is some civil unrest over the next couple of years. I havent spoken to one person lately who is happy and content with our government, scary times, especially having 2 young children. What type of world will they have to face when reaching adulthood. I like the idea of self sufficiency, a small bit of land, a few chickens and a whole load of peace and quiet. Sadly the idea of this fills my kids with dread. No or limited internet access, limited TV and the big one....little or no Youtube. When i've mentioned this to the kids in the past they have looked horrified. I remember the freedom of being "disconnected". Being out with friends all day without the constant urge to look at a device. It still amazes me how everyone in the room will check their phones when a beeping noise is heard. No matter where the noise originates from. That is some pretty deep conditioning. Maybe one day I will be able to organise a more liberated type of life. I guess technology can be just as addictive as drugs and alcohol, maybe even more so as it is legal and socially acceptible. What I find saddest is how the simple things my generation took for granted and enjoyed, conversation, spending uninterrupted time and real non electrical connection are slowly being lost. Still i must remember I'm riding a positivity train today. Mustn't get bogged down with negativity and worry about things that are out of my control. Just for today, I'll enjoy the sun and take a walk on the beach while I still live near the Sea. I shall stay light, bright and fight the good fight.

"Strength and grace hold my hand,
With hope and faith I walk this land,
The warmth of the sun kisses my face,
The gentle breeze holds my embrace.

My swirling thoughts like day and night,
Like stars upon nights face so bright,
I feel a smile lift my soul,
Just for today I avoid the dark hole"

Ciao for now.

Hello,

Well i made it through the weekend without slipping. I'll be honest it was a close run thing though. I very much tortured myself, didn't use distraction techniques and subsequently rode the waves of triggers and cravings. It still amazes me how a thought process can lead to actual physical cravings. In fact it was more like intense withdrawal, not my favourite place to be. I have had some news though, it would seem that the 31st of this month is the time for moving out and moving away. I will be reliant on friends generosity and their sofa's to begin with but I'm sure something will work itself out. The one thing that is certain is how much I need to be away from this town.

On another more positive note I will have the opportunity to provide my mother with care. As it stands my younger sister has had to bear the weight of this responsibility for a decadeby herself. Don't get me wrong she has done a fantastic job but she is young. A young woman of her age could be planning for the future, building relationship with her partner and generally live without to many heavy responsibilities. Although my relationship with my mum is somewhat strained and broken, the prospect of building a better relationship and providing care for my mum fills me with hope. So big changes are a foot. Also having lots to do in the house and with all the other arrangements to be made I will have a distraction that i must follow. Certainly helps tame the monkey for the next 2 weeks.

Kind regards to one and all, a big thanks to Leanne. X

Ciao for now