Hello,

I bumped into a dealer today, he was like a shark. Spotted me and homed straight in for the kill. I felt such immense fear it was overwhelming. The sheer cascade of emotions in those few moments were like a kaleidoscope. "I'm on he said, what do you need" to myself I thought "a bloody big hole in the ground that can swallow me up". What i actually said was "er er er nothing, I'm clean". I'm still quite amazed that I manage to quell the massive triggers and cravings the whole situation brought on. I must of seemed like a dithering idiot going into some sort of seizure. Stumbling over my word, walking away a little to quickly with uncontrolled jerky movements. Even though I told him I was now clean he still carried on with normal spiel "do u want my number in case you change your mind", "are you sure its banging kit", "I can do you 3 bags for 25". Amazing that because when I was seeing him daily there were never any consessions or cheaper deals available. As I walked away, tge further I got the more the urge to turn around and say "oh go on then". This very real sense of panic and urgency came over me, all the good times flashing back to mind. Funnily enough none of the times I was ill came back to me. Sometimes our own brains can be our own worst enemy. As I sit here now I feel proud if myself for saying no. I do however expect a night of using dreams and another rough morning. Man I can't wait to be away from here and having a fresh start. New beginnings and all that.


Ciao for now