Hello,

So the relationship turned violent, I at times received quite serious injury. She tipped a full wardrobe on me when I was asleep one night. Tried to chop my head of with a sword, all sorts went on. Following 3 years of dysfunction and absolutely no intimacy I was ready to leave. I had given my best to the relationship and stuck it out for as long as I could. At the time I had be reducing from a drug called Subutex (Buprenorphine). Despite the chaotic life I was doing ok, this was to be the beginning of my 8 year period of abstinence from Opiate's. I met my current wife (potentially ex), we had known each other for a while but had never spoken of our fondness for each other. Well on the first night we decided to build a life and have kids, the whole 9 yards. Crazy you might say but it worked we were happy for a good few years, until my recent period of relapse. Sure the intimacy waned as we became mum and dad worked long hours and settled into the rat race of life. However we we were always best friends and on the same wavelength. Sadly I let my own stuff become dominant again, however unknown it was a that time. Once again drugs and alcohol began to impact our lives.

I now sit here thinking, shit how does this keep happening, unfortunately I know the answer but struggle to accept it. In 3 months when my daughter finishes her school year I will be back to one room God only knows where, my son and his mum are leaving in 6 weeks so she can start her new job and life. He gets to go to a school that can really help him and his grandma will be there to help him with homework, which historically has been a battle. I suppose I must be thankful that ultimately the only person left out on the cold following my relapse will be me, maybe rightly so.

Using dreams were vivid last night, including the death of someone I care about, very strange night but at least it meant I got actual sleep. Just as well as today I help my best friend move home today. He is an inspiration to me even though he is around 15 years my junior. My only regret is that I haven't been emotionally available for him for a couple of years now due to my own stuff.

Ciao for now