Hello,

Well life is a veritable roller coaster, and today I made arrangements to put my house on the market. This is a last ditch attempt to avoid bankruptcy and make something of a poor situation. My ambivalence has been clearly evident around this and I did just want to walk away. I couldn't see a way out but as I have cleared the rooms and the house has become more visible in its own right, selling has seemed more possible. I've also had some good advice from a friend who said selling the house myself is always the better option. What I do know is that the longer I stay in this town the more at risk I am, I can't keep locking myself away to avoid the barrage of triggers and cravings. Unfortunately the drug scene in this lovely, quaint seaside town is rife. There are dealers on every corner and each trip out is a stark reminder of my relapse and unhealthy choices that I made. I long for a fresh start, my home town has changed a lot in the last 11 years and I am unaware of any dealers. That being said I realise if I really wanted to use I could no doubt find it but having the fresh start will strengthen my resolve. I have 14 days living with my children and then my new life begins. I can't wait to be away from here but am sad I won't see my kids every day. It's truly a double edged sword.

I am finding some comfort in writing poetry and have some good ideas for a set of kids books.  If only I can't motivate myself to finish them, I'm not looking for success or wealth just stability and comfort. If the only kids that read my books are my own that would suffice. The lack of support from local services has been shocking, it would seem the complaint I put in to the Care and Quality Commision regarding the abusive practice of one of my previous employers is still biting me in the backside. It just goes to show how whistle blowing and doing the right thing may be better for the clients but can have long and far reaching ramifications for the person putting in the complaint.

Ciao for now

#relapse #loss #blog #relocation #triggers #cravings #poetry #lonely #SMART