Hello,

I actually slept a full night last night, 'twas heaven. It's good to know I'm coming through the other side. It's certainly been long enough. Had some good feedback about my poem, thanks everyone who +1'd and a special thanks to Leanne. I thought about writing some more, just struggling to pick a topic or idea. I want to lean away from negativity, that being said perhaps it's the emotion which leads to good work.

I'm open to suggestions.

Perhaps it's impossible to write poetry for someone else idea but I'll give it a bloody good go. There are lots of topics that are current in the world right now. This could be fun, it could also be a complete wash out but it's gotta be worth a try right? Please feel free to message me with any ideas.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Well since I left rehab, services have pretty much left me hanging. So much for delivering the same programme as secondary in the community. One word BULLSHIT, oh well that's up to them. It gives me time to pack up the house and make arrangements for the big changes ahead. Funny really going back to my old stomping ground but fortunately only know a few old heads. Just as well, using dreams and thoughts have started to surface. It's almost as if my subconscious knows I'm nearly out the other side and wants to tempt me back in. An insidious beast addiction, I realise I must never become complacent again. It wouldn't take much to lose it again but that's not for me, too long in the tooth for the chaos that comes with that. However what I do need is a job, fed up being skint and stuck in all the time. Sure I've had a day out but that was hard graft.

It also looks like drug and alcohol policy is changing and support will be for extreme cases only. The new policy is being snuck through without any consultation from the service users/providers etc.

Just one article that mentions the new strategy:

http://www.release.org.uk/blog/outlook-bleak-drug-policy-2016

Kind regards, stay safe.

Ciao for now

#addiction # drugpolicy #healthandsocialcare #heroin #criminalise #recovery #treatment #blog

Hello,

Heavenly Triggers by Mike Shaw 2016

Sat in misery pondering my life,
What did I do to deserve such strife,
Family are leaving, once more I walk alone,
How do I remove myself from this lonesome throne.

The sense of grief for my eternal mistress,
Perhaps I could have just one more kiss,
Fall into her embrace just one last time,
Her filthy love full of tears and grime.

Beauty is lost, no more do I love the sunshine,
Could life be found in just one more line,
It's not giving in, to myself I easily lie,
It's just one time perhaps I'll give it a try.

Struck by fear and a hopeless malaise,
If this choice is made, my life will raze,
Angel and Devil whisper in my ears,
Reinforcing my ever present fears.

The Angel was strongest, today I choose light,
Perhaps my future could be bright,
I take a breath and wait for the next debate,
Hoping next time I can choose my own fate.

Ciao for now


#poem #trigger #relapse #addiction #life #spokenword #recovery #drugs #substancemisuse #hope #love #hate

Hello,

Well sleep has decided to become elusive again, it's like trying to catch a balloon that bounces from your fingertips. Sinking towards you over and over only to bounce back up again every time. Still I'm getting watch lots of TV shows, thankfully I have access to box sets on Sky TV. Currently working my way through Deadwood, what a great show. There is something appealing about the simplicity of the old west. All you had to do was survive, no conforming to the rat race, men were men and pansies were flowers ;-).

Things are changing daily here at the Ranch, my partner could leave at any time taking both the kids, I'm really confused and just don't know where I stand. I've decided I can't hang on her decision any more, I need to take action for myself and build my life back up. If I spend the next 6, 12 or 18 months waiting to see if she wants to reconcile, how will that benefit my self esteem and self respect? I suspect it won't. While it still hurts to think about living apart from the family it is becoming easier. I only hope I don't get caught up in single life and am able to give my children as much time as I can. My stepfather left and never saw my sister again, being her biological father this had a massive impact on her and still does to this day even though it's been nigh on 30 years. I wouldn't want to inflict that on my children, assuming they wanna spend time with me. As they are getting older friends have a taken on a more important role. I guess we will have to see how things work out. I just need some certainty, one day I'm caring for my daughter while she finishes school, the next day I'm not...confused.com.

So I think it's time for me to "ramble on, the time is now and nows the time to sing my song...."

For those celebrating mothers days have a good one.

Ciao for now

Morning,

Moving a friend yesterday was good, enjoyed getting out. Lovely place, picturesque setting, great to see them both again. Realise how unfit I have got though, perhaps I need to get more excercise.feel like an old man today lol. My mood I'd still low, struggling to engage with family, I know I'm pushing them away but seem unable to get my shit together. The time they leave has been moved forward and I'll be left with a rundown house to sort out. Plans have changed and my daughter doesn't want to stay here now. That's ok though they need to do what's best for them. I can see how people walk away from everything and end up on the streets with absolutely no motivation. For the first time in my life I am truly apathetic and just can't seem to muster any interest in life or mental strength. Services have been pants messing naltrexone script up and not providing any psychosocial interventions at all. 3 weeks in and no sign of the promised counselling, or indeed any real support. It's no wonder success rates in recovery are low. I can only hope this is a malaise that will pass.

Please forgive the barrage of negativity but I have to keep this blog real.

Ciao for now

Hello,

So the relationship turned violent, I at times received quite serious injury. She tipped a full wardrobe on me when I was asleep one night. Tried to chop my head of with a sword, all sorts went on. Following 3 years of dysfunction and absolutely no intimacy I was ready to leave. I had given my best to the relationship and stuck it out for as long as I could. At the time I had be reducing from a drug called Subutex (Buprenorphine). Despite the chaotic life I was doing ok, this was to be the beginning of my 8 year period of abstinence from Opiate's. I met my current wife (potentially ex), we had known each other for a while but had never spoken of our fondness for each other. Well on the first night we decided to build a life and have kids, the whole 9 yards. Crazy you might say but it worked we were happy for a good few years, until my recent period of relapse. Sure the intimacy waned as we became mum and dad worked long hours and settled into the rat race of life. However we we were always best friends and on the same wavelength. Sadly I let my own stuff become dominant again, however unknown it was a that time. Once again drugs and alcohol began to impact our lives.

I now sit here thinking, shit how does this keep happening, unfortunately I know the answer but struggle to accept it. In 3 months when my daughter finishes her school year I will be back to one room God only knows where, my son and his mum are leaving in 6 weeks so she can start her new job and life. He gets to go to a school that can really help him and his grandma will be there to help him with homework, which historically has been a battle. I suppose I must be thankful that ultimately the only person left out on the cold following my relapse will be me, maybe rightly so.

Using dreams were vivid last night, including the death of someone I care about, very strange night but at least it meant I got actual sleep. Just as well as today I help my best friend move home today. He is an inspiration to me even though he is around 15 years my junior. My only regret is that I haven't been emotionally available for him for a couple of years now due to my own stuff.

Ciao for now

Hello,

As you may have noticed I have changed the title of this blog. This is to recognise my progress in recovery and not to focus on the Heroin Addict, although he must never be forgotten. Not quite as evocative but on point all the same.

A little more of my history:

When I was 25 I had been working as a roofer for several years. We landed a large contract replacing all the Facias and soffitts on one particular estate. Over the first couple of weeks I noticed an older women watching us work a lot. I thought nothing of it until one day she approached me and asked if I wanted coffee. I gratefully accepted, from this point on she made us lovely coffee 3/4 times a day. Even when we were working way past her flat. After four weeks we were due to finish the contract, on the last day, I was taking back the cups when she suddenly kissed me, in a very deep and passionate way. Although this women was 15 years my senior I was quite taken by her. She asked if I wanted to come round one evening and I agreed. However my life being what is was, my dedication to my drug use didn't allow me the time to visit. Before I knew it 3 weeks had passed and I hadn't seen her. Walking past a local pub one Sunday lunchtime after leaving my dealers I heard my name called. Confused I stopped turned round and there she was. We had a drink and a long chat, she invited me home. I had told her everything from the off, my addiction, the fact I lived in a damp bed sit and that I didn't have anything to offer but myself. She told me that was enough, within 3 days I was living with her and her 7 year old daughter. Within a year we were married. The first 3 years were great, however alcohol soon crept into our lives. I had stopped using Heroin at this point but was maintaining with super strength lager. 4 tins every night after work. She was hitting the wine, she became increasing violent when we argued and I had to fend her off several times. By this time I was using again.....

More tomorrow, ciao for now

Hello,

It's 2 hours from the dawn and this time of day is becoming a familiar companion. At times the long nights have been dark and harrowing but as I start to come through the worst of it they seem a little brighter. I'm averaging 2-3 hours sleep so that's an improvement. Once again I have had a message from Leanne which as always lifted my spirits. I am struggling to motivate myself during the day but have decided today to attempt a trip out on my own. I feel safe but also have a little anxiety about the social interactions I may find. I must motivate myself if I am to find employment any time soon. I suppose I'm very much caught in limbo. Stuck between exhaustion/recovery and the desire to get on and work/provide but I do heed the advice of others. Day by day, little by little. I must stay focussed on recovery and all else will fall into place. With that in mind I will take my Naltexone opiate to ensure safety in the community. Not that I feel I really need but do like the additional security.

On a lighter and more musical note I heard a cover of Simon and Garfunkels sound of silence by a rock band called the Disturbed. I was expecting screams and raw guitars but instead was surprised by this very moving song and video. Well I got goosebumps anyways. Enjoy:

http://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4

Ciao for now

Hello,

I managed another 3 hours last night from 11.30-2.30, feeling really reflective this morning. I guess this is the time where I am starting to feel a little better and have to make choices and plans that will effect the rest of my life. It's a race to earn enough wages to pay 3 months mortgage. Perhaps look at some cheap transport or a train/bus pass. Need to find clothes, only have a couple of sets at the mo. I have been telling myself that doors open once a person has recovery under their belt for a time. However time is a luxury I don't have, I can do it though, need to be more positive. As I sit here typing this I hear a torrent of water coming through the kitchen ceiling, reaaaaally, that just about says it all. I really must make an effort to be more upbeat. I'm sure the few loyal readers I have are getting fed up of all the doom and gloom. I have just been real but I need to bring myself up and sort out some stuff in my life. Major responsibility in 4-5 weeks time, sole care of my daughter through the week. She is very independent but I am still the adult and need to provide whatever she needs. That being said we do have some good support and safety plans in place should the worst happen. I'm not going into this without ensuring she is safe and cared for no matter what. Being her main carer again will be very self affirming for me, build some self esteem and confidence. Real confidence that is not pretend. So much to do must use the smart approach thinking about everything at once tends to shut me down. Small steps and all that.

Much love to all.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Actually got some sleep last night, from 2am till about 6am. It was great proper restful sleep. Still cramping legs and uncontrollable full body stretches, yawns and poorly tummy. However having sleep has made these so much easier to deal with. I must pull my finger out and find a job this week. It's time to get back into life, a bit daunting but I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I've never been work shy. Ironically I may have landed a job as a delivery driver for a Brewery of all places. Well at least they know the stock will be safe. Need to try and rescue my house so my daughter can stay here and finish her school year before moving on. She's doing so well it will benefit her to complete the year before transitioning to a new area. My son is going in 6 weeks with his mum to start his new school. This is ideal as he really has had trauma with bullying at school and the school not recognising as such for 6 months. Shocking really but I do feel for the bully as his dad's not around and who knows what homelike he has. I've tried educate my son towards a more deeper understanding of life and how there is usually a reason people are bad. I fully believe that nearly all humans are born a blank slate and learnt behaviours and environmental factors contribute to their make up. I suppose it's the nature versus nurture argument but however it comes people are born a clean slate. Funny how some religions put the sins of the world onto new born children till they are baptised, I've never managed to get my head round this concept.

Well I've digressed and gone off at a tangent but still it's all relative.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Just seen this in Facebook, I certainly agree with his:

https://www.facebook.com/RussellBrand/videos/10153479189883177/

#RussellBrand

Ciao for now

Hello,

It's 4am again, as ever sleep is elusive. I really thought the proverbial camels back had broken following 3 hours last night. I was hoping to build upon this improving day by day. I guess all it did was recharge my batteries. These damn noradrenaline storms are a nightmare. The family are asleep, happy in their slumber. I envy them, this probably sounds a bit selfish but I long for a full nights sleep. One of life's basic needs, cruelly ripped from my grasp by years of drug and alcohol fuelled dependence. I begin to wonder if this my lot now. My mother has a sleep pattern that is pretty erratic. I really don't want that. I used to find laying in bed listening to the rain would slowly lull me into a deep sleep, if only I could rely on that now. I may try walking a good few miles today to see if I can gain some restful sleep tonight. This must end soon or I may go a little bit insane.

I find myself thinking, what can I use to get to sleep, perhaps a strong anti histamine, realisation that this is old reliant behaviours surfacing and I must not fall into that dangerous trap again. At least though it is the weekend and my family are around to help me fill the fuzzy exhaustion filled days.

Ciao for now

Hello,

I actually slept for a whole 3 unbroken hours last night. I feel refreshed and ready to face the day. I am due to attend my first Community SMART Recovery meeting today. This will be a big step as its in the same community where I one worked as a Drug and Alcohol worker. That being said, taking ownership of my addiction and practicing complete honesty is a way forward I am committed to. I think I would like to, in time, return to facilitating groups. The SMART Recovery model is ideal for me as it is completely client led. I believe they even provide a level of additional training. I could definitnely use a refresher. I'm looking forward to gaining support from like minded folk and I really do hope the group members who may be active still are discreet. I certainly wouldn't want to prejudice people who are still struggling but I also see the need for absolute safety within the group. It's a very fine line between what's acceptable and what isn't. As in most things in life there is always a grey area.

I have created a Google+ Community with the idea of raising awareness. It is very embryonic as yet with only 3 Members. Hopefully it will gain more members and become an open forum for service users and service providers to gain support or information. It would be wonderful if this helped just one person resolve their ambivalence and make change but obviously the more the merrier. If anyone reading this blog would like to take a look, here is a link:

https://plus.google.com/communities/108852432853447536523

Have a great day, one and all.

Ciao for now

Hello,

I made it through the night, not sure how. My drug and alcohol worker screened me for Methadone which came up negative so I was prescribed Naltrexone. I was soon to realise that perhaps my receptors weren't quite empty. In 26 years of using that is by far the most intense withdrawal I have ever experienced. D + V, loss of consciouness, I kept finding my self on the floor, half on/off the sofa. Severe Pain in every ounce of my being. It was horrific, I am too frightened to continue the Naltrexone and must speak to a dr first, in case it was a reaction as well as withdrawal. Methadone is indeed a horrible drug to get out of the system. Yes I understand it can stabilise people when their lives are chaotic, stop crime etc. However the reality of getting off it is a whole other ball game. It must be done in a slow controlled manor. Rapid Detox followed by Naltrexone for blocking, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Once again I find myself thinking of education, not only with service users/addicts but perhaps with Service Providers and Writers of legislation. Sadly it's all about the money and drug abuse is still very much misunderstood. It is a health issue, no one chooses to become addicted to anything it is a process, generally caused by deeper underlying issue. That may seem a bit all encompassing and I realise every ones journey is personal to them, however I haven't met anyone who fell in to addiction who hasn't got a traumatic story to share. Awareness needs to be raised, if someone isn't ready to change then give them their drug of choice, and safe areas to use such. The crime levels would reduce, health issues would lesson, and when people are ready they can engage in treatment. There are indeed a few places where this approach is used.

This approach is called DCR and has been attempted in a few cities/countries. Sadly though it hasn't been more widespread.

http://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2013/12/16/246606797/denmarks-fix-rooms-give-drug-users-a-safe-haven

Stop Criminalising, Raise Awarenes, Pave the way for the future.

Ciao for now. (Glad I have access to a pad again, blogging via a phone was, tricky)

Hello,

Well that was a long night. I think I could deal with the insomnia a bit better if I just had a reprieve from the pain. Abdolutely every part of me is aching. Found myself in all sorts of weird and wonderful, sitting, laying and standing positions. All to no avail, at some point this must get easier.

I just found myself looking for my phone, hilarious as I'm using it to create this entry. That about sum's up how battered my mind is. Frazzled would be a good word. One thing I am sure of I will never as long as I live take Methadone again. I would rather chew tin foil.

Watching the news a lot at the mo, i do worry what sort of life my children will have. Will there still be an NHS. Will the world still be run by the few hidden elites. Will governments still be corrupt, will there still be ongoing wars. Sadly i supect that my children will not have the simple approach, requiring ipads and iphones etc etc. Instead they could be running free, in a rural and healthy setting. The outer hebrides looks about right, it is something I'm considering, not sure I

Hope u all have a good deto mr

Hello,

This insomnia is getting really old now. I did manage 35 minutes sleep only to wake up drenched from prolific night sweats. How can such a drug as Methadone actually be used, getting clear of this is way harder than the Heroin itself. In 12 hours I provide another screen which has to be clear to be prescribed Naltrexone. Surely it must be clear of my system by now.

On a different but related issue, I have been told why I was prejudiced against when it came to funding. It turns out that the Treatment Based project i worked for and eventually had to report to the care quality commision have received all the funding for Rehab in this area. Basically the project was told they were gonna have to close a year ago. In response to this the director of said company has basically blackmailed the local authority by saying. If you dont fund us, I was get loads of crack/heroin dependants from out of the local area. He's ruthless and it's all about profit for him, not life. I wonder what this person may have on the decision maker.

You know it strikes me that I am feeling sorry for myself and there are people starving in the world. Somehow that puts things into a little perspective. Yeah I made the choice to use but god knows no one deserves this type of slow ongoing torture.

Ciao for now

Hello,

Had an odd day, went to see my community drug and alcohol worker today to collect my opiate blocker script - Naltrexone. Had to do a urine screen to ensure I am totally clear of opiates, if I still have any opiates at all in my system the naltrexone would throw me into a severe withdrawal. Bearing in mind my last dose of Methadone was 9 full days ago. To my surprise I screened positive for Methadone. Thats some Half-life. As I was informed the Naltrexone likes the opiate receptors and is stickier than the opiate metabolites. Not only does it bind to the receptor it blocks it too. However if there are the slightest amount of Opiate Metabolites left in the receptor the Naltrexone forces them out and makes you feel intense withdrawal. Gotta wonder could I feel any worse?? Well its been 3 days at home with about 3.5 hours sleep in total and lots of Noradrenaline bombardments. Wide awake, leg cramps. Uncontrollable stretches and sneezing fits. Why does this even occur in nature? Hope those that read Gary's poem earlier enjoyed it, or if in recovery or use could relate to it.

A big thanks to Leanne for her positive vibes and support.

Well it will soon be another long dark night, its crazy how 8 hours can seem like a lifetime, feeling run down and lonely at these dark times. Perhaps I need a hobby.

Ciao for now

Goodbye

      

Gary Harkness

I find myself pondering through the annuls of my life,

Wondering why I chose to walk the prickly path of strife,

Why I chose to seek out chaos, rather than routes more sublime,

Why I never chose to change my path, over this epic length of time,

I felt comfortable in the madness, happy with my lot,

The feelings that were true and real, were the ones that I forgot.

Closed myself off from my ability to see nature’s beauty pure, 

Sought my only solace, through addictions chemical cure,

It robbed me of everything to which I should stand true,

And her sedatory powers, meant, I never had a clue,

My drug became my mistress, encompassing every part of every day,

I sought out my Kryptonite in every possible way.

It brought me to my knees, took everything I ever had,

She took my dignity, my marriage and ability to be a dad,

But still I never saw her wiles, were robbing me of me,

And every second of my day with her I chose to be,

My mistress made sure I was dependant through and through,

Spun her web and convinced me, you need me to be you.

Now no longer do I her have ruling my entire life,

It has been a process similar to the divorce from my wife,

She left me cold and bare, standing all alone,

With every part of me aching, every organ, every bone,

She convinced me that without her I was lost,

Meaning all that joy love could bring was out of reach at any cost.

However I now look with eyes newly born,

I am starting to be able to function, through my mistress’s scorn,

She is clever, she is wily, she is very sly,

Without her grip around me, my heart again can fly,

Life is the choice for which I opt today,

And life is what I choose to live, whatever cost I pay,

No longer am I beholding to her vice like claws,

Free from now from her tight suffocating paws,

These eyes behold the beauty of the breaking dawn,

No longer am I prisoner to her clutches and her scorn.

  

So long, my long lost lover, it is life that I choose,

No longer to your beat I’ll dance, no longer a prisoner to your blues,

You’ve been deceitful and misguiding for a major part of my life,

I never took the same amount of grief from my ex bloody wife,

I’m no longer in your clutches, not your puppet on a string,

I’ve chosen to seek my solace, and love, under nature’s wing.

So long my old mistress, it was you and I for so long,

Now my heart beats freely with a joyous rhythmic hum,

I’m free from you now you nasty piece of work,

No longer in every thought of the day does my reliance on you lurk,

Good to you, you’ve been my lover, almost a wife,

But in your grips I am no longer I have chosen life,

So its to the job of DIY, and patching up a broken past,

I never thought it would be easy to let you go, but you are gone at last,

I see my future burning bright, like a burning star,

And I going to go and find it with the speed of a racing car.

Ahhhhhhh, insomnia is driving me insane. It's 4:23 and I still havent got any sleep. Surely something has to give soon. I'm so run down, this is f#$¥ing b&£#€¥it.

I lay here in misery.
Legs cramping,
Brain frying,
Omg, this cant be the way,

I wonder the house,
Pain and suffering wonder with me,
I try to be as quiet as a mouse,
I dont want to wake my spouse,

No more will I use,
My body was abused,
I suffer long term,
Will I ever truly learn,

My hot tears run down my cheeks.
I feel so tired, i feel so weak,
How long can i cope,
I must keep up hope.

Ciao for now

Hello,

I'm home, the final meeting before discharge was very emotional. I shed many a tear. My peers were so positive and supportive and even though i've only had 30 mins sleep in 36 hours its great to be home and I actually feel really positive for my future. Cooking some nice pulled pork for my family.
I have some literature to get typed up and I will type these up and post them tomorrow. The previously mentioned poem by my new friend from treatment. His name is Gary Harkness and he was an inspiration in treatment is determined to live the rest of his life. He has been using for 26 years too. We were very like minded. I also have a very short story well more like a pro-logue that I wrote in Creative writing. We were given the wors Hero and had to write about it in any way I like. I'll get them on tomorrow. I'm going to spend this evening in the warm embrace of my family. I start community based secondary treatment on Monday. I am apprehensive however because there are active addicts in community based groups. However N/A is totally substance free but is only once week. I'll get good support in place and feel excited for life and maybe love if I can prove my sobriety to my wife. It'll be a goodly long time before and indeed if the trust can be repaired. So be kind to hourselves and take it one day at a time.

Ciao for now