Hello,

I'm in a bad way today, there is a bug doing the rounds here in the Rehab. A few people have had it but it seems to last only a day or two. Suffices to say ouchy mumma. I have decided to do an assignment in group tomorrow about the abuse I exerienced when I was 8. Its been hard writing it and very emotional. My councellor has suggested, if I'm able, to share with group. This fills me with dread but I know I have to get it out and really own it. It wasn't my fault but was done to me. That being said I have hidden it for so long that breaking that behavior pattern is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. Following the initial disclosure to my counsellor it felt quite liberating and empowering. That being said I have realised that these behaviours are firmly ingrained. I have a school photo of my children with me, my son is basically mini me and it breaks my heart to think that when I was that age I did 't have anyone I could tell, and would subsequently suffer in silence for 35 years. Clearly I have a lot of therapy and work to do in the community. He's a year older than I was when I was raped by 5 older boys. I just could't imagine him going through something like that, hes just like me a sensitive soul. The only difference is that I was the first born and he was the second. There is a theory that te first born child is generally more resilient than subsequent siblings.

 https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=5dCOxdgAAAAJ&hl=en

Quite interesting theory also states first born are more attractive and intelligence. I suppose they get more off both parent before other siblings are born. Nurture at its best.