Hello,

Today has been hard, I finally disclosed to another person a trauma I had as a child. It was in a 1-1 session with my in house counsellor. Not sure why today was the right time but after 36 years I have finally shared. It was a massive relief and my counsellor pointed out that it wasn't my fault and the shame and self loathing I feel is normal. She has recommended that from this moment on I try to recognise when these feelings are rising and that I find a new way of dealing with them. In essence to be kind to myself rather than blame myself. This is a CBT based approach and I feel it could, in time help me. When I think back I always assumed my drug taking was a symptom of my environment and the parental encouragment and that the anxiety/shame i felt was due to my drug taking. I had spent so many years burying what had happened that I never associated my self medicating with the earlier trauma. The worst of all this is that the guy who perpetrated the trauma is now married to one of my old school friends and has a great life and a lovely family. This i didnt know until i reconnected with her on facebook 6 years ago. When I think back this preceded my relapse by a matter of months. Slowly but surely all the pieces are starting to fit together. This being 1 in a series of events which triggered my vulnerability and eventual relapse. I was 8 when it happened and he was about 5-6 years older than me. Its no wonder i was ripe for addiction. Man this is one hell of a journey of self discovery. I need to find who I an and start to be kind to myself.

Ciao for now